Secrets Don't Keep Friends
by KTBass
Summary: AH. Everyone has secrets, and Bella Swan is no different. For months she's kept quiet, but the arrival of blunt Edward Cullen forces her to come clean with terrifying consequences. Secrets push friends away, but can honesty bring them back? Complete.
1. Chapter One: She Covets

**Author's Note:** Everyone in this story is human. I've changed some details from the Twilight universe to better fit with the characters in my story, but I promise they are all very minor. There will undoubtedly be some OOC elements as well, but I guess that is a hazard of writing an all human story. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish Stephenie Meyer didn't own them either.

**Chapter One – She Covets**

A sewing machine whirred in the background, but the noise was so comforting, so familiar that Bella Swan didn't even try to drown it out with her iPod. Enjoying the steady thrum of the old beast, she lay, book in hand and bowl of fruit by her side, in the incredibly eccentric bedroom of her equally eccentric best friend, Alice Brandon.

Turquoise blue walls were accented by smatterings of silver glitter and pink moldings in a lacquer finish crowned the room. The same paint was used on an antique coat rack which stood near the door, mostly so Alice's boyfriend, Jasper Hale, had somewhere to hang his well worn black leather bomber jacket. Next to it, because Alice thought a hat rack was incomplete on its own, stood an art deco, mirrored umbrella stand. A simple black satin comforter adorned the bed, serving as a backdrop for what could only be described as a rainbow colored explosion of pillows in all textures in sizes. A black leather arm chair next to the sewing machine corner provided the only classic lines in the bedroom, but the nail-head trim had been replaced with giant stones pilfered from costume jewelry.

As insane as the décor was, Bella had always felt at home in the room for the simple fact that it was just _so_ Alice. Even the blue tinged light, tinted by a light scarf draped over the lamp, didn't interfere with her reading. In fact, it was only when her pixie like friend jumped up and screeched a rather self-satisfied "Ta da!" that Bella finally felt the urge to lift her eyes from the nineteenth century romance that had consumed her.

"What do you think?" Alice demanded, brandishing a neon-blue, almost tutu-like skirt in the air.

Bella raised an eyebrow as she took note of the canary yellow ribbons that seemed to explode from beneath it and the black glitter that frothed over the garment. "Um, it's very you."

Her best friend beamed. "I know, right? I still need to add some pink, but it's a start. Wanna come watch?"

Bella was already collecting her things. "Like I even had a choice."

Alice stuck out her tongue before skipping from the room, the unfinished skirt billowing out behind her like a peacock's plumage. With an eye roll, Bella followed her, shrugging on her cardigan as she went. She slipped her feet into the moccasins she'd kicked off by the door and made her way through the maze that made up the rest of Alice's house to the room the Brandons referred to as the Grand Studio. With capitalization. The capitalization was very important, Bella had discovered.

When she got there, Alice had the skirt on her mannequin and was splattering pink paint onto the turquoise tulle with passionate zeal. She sighed as she flopped into an armchair upholstered in deep purple velvet, pulling out her book once more.

"No reading!" Alice sing-songed as she pranced around her creation.

"So I'm just supposed to sit here and lavish attention on you?" Bella teased, rolling her eyes.

"Obviously," a deep, masculine voice intoned.

Both girls jumped, Alice squealing in delight. Bella bit down hard on her lip to try to keep her face casual but friendly. Still, she could feel the heat in her cheeks and knew she would be the color of a tomato. Before she could meet Jasper's eyes, she tucked her chin to her chest, allowing her long, mahogany locks to form a familiar, protective cocoon around her face. She couldn't bear to watch Alice launch herself laughingly into her boyfriend's waiting arms, but even with her eyes closed she wasn't able to drown out the obvious sounds of Jasper's lips meeting those of her best friend. With a resigned sigh, Bella straightened and gathered her books.

"Ummm…I'll see you later Alice."

"Oh, Bella, you don't have to go!" Alice said, pushing herself away from Jasper.

"Yes, please, by all means stay," he said with an eye roll and a pointed glare at the door.

Alice shot him a look, and Bella felt her cheeks warm once more.

"No, I need to get home. Charlie'll be home soon, anyway," she whispered.

"All right," her friend replied, her voice showing her concern. "Want me to pick you up tomorrow?"

"Yes, please," Bella said, backing toward the door. "Charlie's taking the truck into the shop in the morning."

"Jesus, Bella, you're not still pumping money into that piece of shit, are you?" Jasper said, barking a laugh. "Put it out of its misery already."

She wanted to glare at him. She wanted to defend her truck. She wanted to hatefully point out that not everyone felt it necessary to spend money they didn't have in an attempt to make people respect them. She wanted to point out that such efforts never worked, and certainly not in his case.

But she didn't.

She couldn't.

Instead, she bit down harder on her lip and tried to blink back the tears that were threatening to form. "You're right, J, I really should. See you in the morning, Alice."

Turning on her heel, she walked as quickly as she could toward the front door. She wished she could run, but the humiliation of falling where he could see was too much to even think about. With as little sound as possible, she closed the door behind her and stepped out into the mist.

Her steps were heavy as she trudged toward her poor truck. She passed Jasper's shiny silver crotch rocket and, for a split second, was overcome with the urge to tip the motorcycle to the side and drag it along the rough gravel of Alice's extensive drive.

But she didn't.

She couldn't.

And she hated herself.

Bella stood with the door of her truck ajar, staring at the bike and letting the rain fall down and soak through to her bare skin. If she could have, she would have stayed rooted to that spot for hours and let the water wash her clean, but she knew that if Alice didn't hear the familiar rumble of her engine soon that she would come out to check on her.

Soaking wet, she climbed into the truck and started the engine. Too late she remembered that the reason her truck was going into the shop was to have the heater fixed. With a rueful chuckle, she let her head fall forward until it hit the cool leather of the steering wheel before sitting up and heading toward the highway. She pressed the gas pedal all the way to the floor, feeling the truck lurch forward as it barely increased in speed.

As she passed through Forks, she saw a shiny Volvo come flying up in her review mirror. She squinted in an attempt to see who was driving, but the windows were tinted almost as black as the paint.

"Tourists," she muttered under her breath as the car continued to ride her ass through town.

Still angry about her encounter with Jasper and desperately needing a distraction, she couldn't help wanting to make someone else miserable and frustrated as well. With a grin and a glance behind her, she allowed her foot to ease up on the gas pedal. The truck began slowing rapidly, causing the driver of the Volvo to slam on their brakes. She laughed as she immediately began moving toward the center of the two lanes, knowing that the driver would try to pass her.

Her laughter only increased as the other car saw her intent but was too late to do anything to stop her. Crawling along at thirty miles per hour meant that Charlie would have to wait to eat, but it was well worth it. She could almost feel the annoyance pulsing from the dark recesses that hid the mysterious stranger as the car swerved angrily back and forth trying to trick her into lurching too far to one side of the road.

The game ended when she spotted a logging truck in the distance and was forced to maneuver herself back into her own lane. As soon as the Volvo was clear, it went shooting out of its lane. She knew she would never be able to accelerate in time so she sat calmly, preparing to watch the car fly past.

But it didn't. It pulled right up next to her. The passenger window began to roll down and she felt her heart do a strange lurch as the excitement of getting to see the owner coursed through her. She glanced down, suddenly very curious about the driver of the sleek black car. She caught a glimpse of pale skin and almost choked on her laughter as a long, slender middle finger poked its way into her view.

She kept laughing long after the driver had booked it past her. The encounter, strange though it had been, had lifted most of the weight that had been pressing down on her. With a significantly lighter mood, she hopped from her truck and managed to land on both feet instead of her butt. Charlie's car was already in the driveway and she felt a pang of guilt that she didn't already have his dinner ready, but the feeling disappeared almost as soon as she stepped into the house and was greeted with the delicious smell of hot pepperoni and cheese.

"Hey, Bells!" her dad called. "I got off early so I picked us up a pizza."

"Thanks, dad," she answered.

The kitchen was silent as they both loaded up paper plates with pizza. Bella grabbed a coke out of the fridge and followed her dad down the hall, waving goodbye as he headed toward the den and a game and she climbed up the stairs. As soon as the door clicked shut behind her, her gratitude for the pizza evaporated. Not having to cook meant losing the hour long distraction from the misery she'd managed to put from her mind since the encounter with the Volvo.

She fell back onto her twin sized bed with a thud, sliding the suddenly unappetizing pizza onto her nightstand along with her coke. Her stomach worked itself into its usual knots as she thought about Jasper. She wished more than anything in the world that she'd never started to look at him as anything but a friend. More than that, she wished that she could reconcile the friend he had been with the unapologetic bastard he had become.

Bella liked to tell herself that she still wanted him because of that friendship and her fond memories of it, but she was no longer sure. His cruelty got worse and worse every day, and still she kept coming back. There were bright spots – he couldn't be an ass _all_ of the time, not while he was dating Alice – and every time he held open a door for her or offered her a ride home her heart did its familiar little flip and she found herself forgetting the mocking smiles and harsh words.

Inevitably, though, they came back to her when she was alone. She wanted to cry as she remembered her meekness earlier but refused to give him the satisfaction. It was so hard to care about him. Impossible, even. He_ made_ it impossible. And more impossible still was the fact that dealing with his general douchery was nothing compared to having to see him with Alice.

Anger bubbled up in her before she could stop it. It wasn't rational and she knew it. It was completely unfair to blame Alice because she'd never told her about her crush. But…Alice was her best friend. They'd been best friends since the Brandons moved to Forks six years ago. They were so different but they knew each other as well as they knew themselves.

Or so Bella had thought.

With a scowl she flipped the tab to her coke, popping it open and reaching for her now cold pizza. It did no good to focus on what had happened. She'd never given any indication of looking at Jasper as anything but a friend, and she herself had never guessed of Alice's crush. She couldn't stop the pang she felt when she remembered how she'd found out, but she refused to think about it. It only made her ache and, more importantly, it only made her hate herself even more.

She was distracted from her self-loathing by the ringing of the phone at her bedside. Rolling over and reaching for it, she answered with a halfhearted greeting.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," Alice said immediately.

"For what?" Bella responded, confused.

"For Jazz. He'd just gotten into it with his sister and…well…"

"It's fine." Her voice, though it sounded dead, filled the silence and, judging by the relieved sigh she heard from the other end, clearly made Alice feel better.

"He felt so bad about it, but – you know him – he doesn't ever apologize. His parents –"

"I know, Alice. Really, it's fine. I'm fine."

"Are you sure? Because I can –"

"I'm sure. I know what his parents and Rosalie are like. It's all forgiven."

The word tasted bitter in her mouth. It was difficult to forgive someone's behavior when they had never apologized for it, and Jasper never apologized for anything. Ever. But then, why should he? She'd never demanded an apology from him nor had she ever really expected one.

She let Alice gush out apologies for another few minutes before interrupting her to tell the story of her earlier adventures on the open road.

"Holy shit, Bella!" her friend exclaimed. "I bet it was totally the new kid!"

"New kid?" Bella asked.

"Yeah, the new doctor at the hospital, Dr. Cullen. Jasper was telling me about him. He's some totally talented surgeon and he's doing this study thing on how the stress of the logging industries affects people's hearts or something. I don't know. Anyway, he has a son who's a junior too! Jasper said everyone in the family drives super nice cars."

Bella snorted. "I'll bet the Hales freaking _love_ that."

Alice chuckled as well. "I know, right? Seriously though, way to give the kid a good ol' fashioned Forks welcome."

"Well, serves him right. We have speed limits!"

"Ok, Chief Swan," Alice teased.

"Oh shut up," Bella replied. "God, that has to _suck._ Can you imagine having über rich parentals who just up and move you to _Forks_? I almost feel sorry for the poor kid."

"His parents are still über rich. It isn't like they wasted all their money trying to save the spotted owl or some ridiculous shit," Alice pouted.

"Don't get all bitter on me, Brandon. It isn't like you're the kid of a single police chief."

"Touché," Alice giggled.

Bella glanced at the clock. "Crap. I've got to go, Alice. I have Biology to read."

"Oh like anyone actually does all that pre-lab bullshit but you, Bella. Come on! Let's sneak out and go to the beach."

"No way. Besides, if I know you – and I do – you are going to show up here an hour before school starts so we can stake out the parking lot for the newbie."

"Obviously. All right, I'll see you in the AM. You better be ready, too! And please, for the love of all that is holy, don't walk out the front door in your usual uniform."

"We'll see," Bella hedged.

"I could –"

"You could, but you won't. I'm not wearing the peacock skirt, Alice. You know better than that."

"But –"

"No buts! I will walk out the door in whatever fits my morning mood. I'm hanging up now. Bye!"

Before Alice could respond, Bella followed through on her promise and dropped the phone back onto the cradle. Heading toward the dresser and opening the drawer that housed her pajamas, she tried to process the news she'd just been given. The fact that it wasn't a tourist but a new resident filled Bella with nerves. She hated meeting new people, and Alice always insisted upon it. She was thankful that the truck was going into the shop so that, whoever this boy was, he couldn't place her as the bitch from the highway.

As she crawled back into bed and turned out the lights, she again felt that strange tightening of her chest as she wondered just who exactly owned the pale finger that had so brazenly dismissed her and why the hell she even cared.


	2. Chapter Two: She Acts Out

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish Stephenie Meyer didn't own them either.

**Chapter Two – She Acts Out**

As Bella's eyes fluttered open, she felt strangely exposed. A familiar tingle ran over her skin as she rapidly tried to blink the sleep out of her eyes. The sudden feeling of self-consciousness could only mean one thing…she was being watched.

Sitting bolt upright, she clutched the covers to her chest.

"Damnit, Alice!" she shouted over the peals of laughter coming from the foot of the bed. "What the hell? I told you not to sneak up on me when I'm sleeping!"

"I brought the skirt," Alice replied simply, gesturing to the explosion of color heaped on Bella's antique rocking chair.

"Super," she replied, rolling her eyes. "I'm not wearing it."

"What if – "

"Absolutely not. As I told you last night, I would rather spend three weeks on a desert island with Rosalie Hale than trot around like a fucking peacock," she snapped.

"God, you're so grumpy," Alice pouted, crossing her arms across her chest as she threw herself down onto the bed. "A total killjoy. I have to hate you now for the next…twenty minutes at least."

"Perfect." Bella grinned. "That's just enough time for me to get dressed without having to feel like I should listen to you because you love me and have my best interests at heart."

"Yeah, I just hate you more now."

Bella stuck out her tongue as she ducked into her closet, grabbing a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a cardigan before running down the hall to her bathroom. After pulling her hair up into a lopsided bun, she washed her face, brushed her teeth, and put on deodorant. She buttoned her jeans as she walked down the hallway, heading toward her dresser for socks and lip gloss.

"Bella!" Alice whined. "I offer you a gorgeous, one of a kind creation and you want to show up to meet the new boy in _that_?"

"It's the same thing I wear every day. And anyway, I don't care about meeting the new boy. He's a total ass."

"You don't even know him!"

"He has to be," Bella pointed out as she applied the gloss to her lips with a tiny pop at the end. "He's also a reckless driver."

"So's Jazz."

"That's different. Jasper…" Bella trailed off, catching herself just in time. "Jasper knows these roads so it isn't reckless."

Alice's sapphire eyes stared her down, eyebrows raised thoughtfully. "That isn't what you were going to say."

"Yes it is. We're going to be late. If we don't leave now you'll lose out on the table."

"Fine," Alice said, and her concession sent relief flooding through Bella.

She jumped up from the bed, and Bella noticed for the first time the weathered black leather jacket, pink bejeweled tee, and feather coated skirt over teal tights her friend had selected for herself. The magenta of the plumage made her look like a tiny, stilted flamingo. Not that Bella would ever tell her that.

"Stop judging," Alice scolded, wagging a finger. "I don't get all high and mighty with you when you dress in the same boring thing every day."

"Yes you do," Bella laughed as the two girls headed down the stairs.

They each kissed one of Charlie's cheeks when they reached the bottom. Bella slid on her moccasins while Alice stepped into glitter encrusted ballet flats. With a hasty goodbye, they headed out the front door and toward Alice's tank.

The ancient, hunter green BMW was a product of her parent's original wealth. When they'd spurned their future inheritances and run away with their trust funds to be artists, this was the car they had fled in. The interior was well worn, and the lingering smell of clove cigarettes and, as Alice liked to joke, assorted other herbs, permeated the air. Red Bull cans littered the floor, and Bella had to kick them out of the way to make room for her feet and her bag. Still, piece of junk though it might have been, it was a piece of junk made by German engineers, placing Alice's ride on a level above most of the other kids'.

As usual, the drive to school was loud. Between the pulsing of the bass, the slight screeching noise as the worn wipers scraped across the windshield, and the full on shout of Alice's one woman sing-a-long, it was a miracle Bella's eardrums didn't explode. Thankfully, the trip was short and, two excruciating renditions of Paramore songs later, they were pulling into the parking lot of Forks High.

With a turn of the key, the deafening noise ceased its assault and Bella breathed a sigh of relief. Surprisingly few students were present, and Bella glanced around at all of the empty spots in shock.

Alice followed her gaze and smiled knowingly. "Not just anyone can have the inside scoop. Rosalie doesn't even know about him yet. This is going to be _awesome_."

Bella couldn't help but agree. The only thing more exciting than a new student was watching the rest of the student body freak out. The population of Forks hadn't seen a new face since Alice. Then there was the fact that the new specimen was a male with oodles of money. Desperate harpies like Jessica and Lauren were going to absolutely _shit_ themselves in excitement.

Her step faltered as her eyes landed on the lone picnic table on the lone patch of grass at the school's entrance. Stretched out across the table lay Jasper, his blonde hair dulled to silver by the gray clouds hovering above. His familiar bomber was partially unzipped, revealing a bright white undershirt stretched tight over his broad chest. She felt her face begin to flame and automatically tucked her chin to her chest, hoping to avoid the mocking of his steel gaze.

Alice chattered happily beside her, but the buoyancy of the morning was long gone for Bella. She sat down on the picnic table with a thump, pointedly ignoring the sight of the cuddling that was commencing. Her stomach was starting to twist into knots, but it wasn't from the scene before her. She kept thinking about the new boy, and, because she refused to become a screaming fangirl, she sought a distraction. With a sigh, she pulled out something to read. She had barely gotten the pages open when she heard the derisive snort.

"Jesus, Bella, ever heard of socialization," Jasper scoffed.

"Jesus, J, ever heard of minding your own damn business."

The words were out of her mouth before she realized what she was saying. She could almost see them slipping out, and all she wanted to do was grab them all and stuff them back in. Then, as she took in Alice's look of absolute shock and the scowl contorting Jasper's features, a smile stole its way across her face.

She knew she wouldn't be able to stand up for herself again so she buried her face in her book. Though she tuned out the growing hum generated by the arriving students, she couldn't fully give herself over to the fictional world she was trying to immerse herself in. Her whole body was tensed and on alert, and for once it had nothing to do with the cavalier attitude of the blonde boy watching her out of the corner of his eyes.

Ten minutes before the final bell was set to ring she sensed a slowing of the scurrying around her. She glanced at Alice only to see her friend rolling her eyes at the entrance to the parking lot. Her gaze drifted in the direction all eyes seemed to be pointing and she heaved a sigh of disappointment. Instead of the expected Volvo, a familiar red mustang was pulling into its usual parking spot.

"She is such a fame-whore," Alice scoffed.

Jasper chuckled, pulling her to his side. He didn't speak, but his eyes never left the leggy blonde figure emerging from the car. To anyone else, the look would have spoken of a casual indifference with perhaps a dash of mocking thrown in. But Bella knew better. If Jasper had been able to, that look would have melted Rosalie into a pile of the disgusting sludge he thought her to be.

An irrational urge to reach out and touch his arm caused her to lay her hand gingerly on the crook of his elbow. She came to her senses and was about to snatch it back when she felt his hand come to rest on top of hers. Her heart raced as she looked up. He wasn't scowling. He wasn't even frowning. His attention was still directed fully on his sister and the crowd of admirers that had rushed to her side as soon as she and her boyfriend, Emmett McCarty, had emerged to demand their worship.

A thumb started to caress her palm and she thought she might faint. Suddenly, the gentle touches stopped as he froze. She watched as his eyes darted to Alice, sitting perfectly still and staring intently at the crowd before them, before down at his arm. He disentangled his hand from hers, though not with the usual disgust. Bella snatched her own hand back, recoiling. Of course he thought she was Alice, though the timidity of her touch should have told him otherwise.

He turned to stare at her, but there was no mocking in his gaze. Surprise was the prevalent feature, as though he couldn't believe the boldness she'd displayed not once but twice, and in the same morning even. Her cheeks began their traitorous color change, but she resisted the urge to hide. Instead, she met his stare. Her chin jutted out defiantly, but her attempt at confidence was undermined by the way she automatically bit her lower lip. Still, she refused to flinch. Her cheeks growing redder by the second she just stared at him, watching him size her up. He opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by Alice, still so focused on the parking lot drama she hadn't noticed their stare down.

"Oh…my…god. I told you! This is going to be the best day _ever!_"

Immediately Bella's attention shifted automatically to the parking lot. _There_ was the car she'd been waiting to see, and, just like that, all thoughts of Jasper vanished from her head. Now that she didn't have oncoming traffic to worry about, she really looked at it. The windows were as dark as she remembered, but there was a subtle metallic sheen to the black paint. Even the rims were black.

The Volvo pulled into her usual parking space and stopped. For the first time, Bella took in the scene around her. She started at the red mustang, where an irate Rosalie stood fuming as she became aware of the sudden change in the focus of the plebes that had moments ago surrounded her. Emmett stood smirking at her side, taking in the spectacle. Jessica and Lauren stood huddled together, whispering urgently, wolfish grins on both of their faces. Mike and the rest of his gang stood just beside them, staring in unabashed horror at what was so obviously the car of a new _boy_.

"A Volvo? Seriously? Is he a sixty year old woman?" Jasper's tone was scathing, but even he couldn't stop staring at the car.

"He doesn't drive like one," Alice laughed, shooting a glance at Bella. She was bouncing up and down, her tiny hands clapping together in unsuppressed glee.

"What?" Jasper demanded, whirling around so his attention was once again focused on Bella.

"It was nothing. He's just drives too fast, that's all. I messed with him yesterday on my way home from Alice's."

"I'll say. She...oh, look! He's getting out!" Alice squealed in delight before becoming uncharacteristically silent as the boy emerged.

Bella couldn't stop herself from gasping as she took in the tall figure that emerged from the driver's door. His hair was a strange shade of bronze, though the tips were dyed black. His eyes were a shade of green so intense that they rivaled the beauty of the cedars that framed the scene. The green was only enhanced by the thick, black liner smeared under them.

Her eyes went to his hands next, her heart thumping when she recognized the familiar delicate fingers. Today, though, his nails were a dull black. She frowned slightly, taking in the rest of his appearance. His shoes looked like chucks, but they had little chains and skull designs on them. He wore tattered jeans in a wash so dark they too were almost black. A black shirt with a pattern similar to his shoes covered a lean torso with a black military looking jacket hugging his surprisingly narrow shoulders perfectly.

"Fucking great," Jasper moaned. "Another goth kid."

A glance at the three kids who made up Forks High's goth contingent told Bella they shared Jasper's assessment, but Alice disagreed.

"No way," she said firmly. "He's decked out in Ed Hardy."

"Ed who?" Bella asked, only half aware of her question.

"Ugh, he's a designer Bella."

"I don't care," Jasper disagreed. "He's got guy liner on."

"He has fashion sense," Alice said, leaping to the boy's defense.

"And he drives a lame, grandma car."

"Don't be jealous, J," Bella bit out, still staring.

"What the fuck is with you today?" he demanded. "That's the third time today – "

"Shut up!" Alice whispered harshly. "He's coming this way."

And he was. Bella watched him take two steps toward the school before stopping. He stood, staring at the building, and she watched as his nose scrunched up like he smelled something bad. She could see him let out all of his breath in a huff before continuing, obviously pointedly ignoring the stares and whispers that followed him as he went.

As he approached their table, Bella saw that he had a tiny smattering of freckles over his nose, so subtle that, unless someone was staring as intently as she was in that moment, they were practically unnoticeable.

"Hey!" Alice called out just as he was about to pass them.

The boy stopped moving forward, but he hesitated before turning to acknowledge the greeting. His eyes took in Jasper's territorial stance before being drawn to Alice. Bella sensed amusement in his glance, and she knew immediately he was laughing at her friend's outlandish appearance.

"I'm Alice."

Bella cringed at her friend's obliviousness, and her subtle movement caught his attention. He stared at her, his green gaze pulling her eyes to his like a tractor beam. He frowned, his forehead wrinkling in consternation, and she knew he was trying to place her. As much as it pained her to tear her attention away from him, she didn't want him to figure out who she was quite so quickly. Her hair fell around her like a curtain, a gap just big enough to allow her to still see out forming directly above her nose. With Bella hidden, he turned his attention back to Alice for a split second before letting out an exasperated sigh and continuing toward the school, completely snubbing her and, through her, the rest of the student body of Forks.

The silence Bella didn't realize had taken over the parking lot ceased as soon as the door closed behind him. The noise level was more muted than it had been before his arrival. People spoke in excited whispers as they glanced between a still stunned Alice and the door the newcomer had disappeared through.

"That did _not_ just happen," Jessica Stanley finally said aloud, awe evident in her tone.

"Shut up, skank," Jasper hissed.

"Hey, we're on your side in this!" Lauren interjected in her friend's defense.

"Yeah, new kid is a dick," Mike agreed.

"Persona non grata," spoke a smooth, confident tone from behind the masses gathering around a still silent Alice.

Bella's head snapped up, allowing her to take in a smirking Rosalie. All the previous traces of jealousy and anger had been wiped from her face now that she knew her control would reign supreme.

"He doesn't want to talk to us, we won't talk to him," Emmett laughed. "Dude's a total loser anyway."

"Agreed," Jasper scowled.

Bella choked on a laugh at the ridiculousness of it. She knew the unlikely alliance that had suddenly sprung forth was equally as unlikely to last. The only thing that kept her from allowing her amusement to show was the sheer number of people crowded around them.

As quietly as possible, she slipped away from the crowd and into the building. She let her laughter come freely once she was sure she was alone, only feeling guilty about Alice for a moment. She knew her friend, and she knew the hurt wouldn't last long. Still laughing softly to herself, she turned the corner to her locker.

Her laughter stopped immediately as she caught sight of the fingers twirling a lock just two spaces down. She wanted to run, but he was already turning around to face her. As soon as he saw her, a crooked smile lit up his face.

"You," he said, leaning sideways against his locker to watch her struggle with her own lock.

She fought the blush that was starting to build in her neck, staring intently at the numbers whirling around in front of her. When she got to the final digit, she yanked upward on the handle to force the ancient metal door open. Trying to ignore the feeling of his eyes on her, she dropped her biology textbook in her locker and reached for her English notebook.

"I have English first period too," the boy spoke. "Walk me to class?"

With a quick glance, she found him still smiling at her. She was conscious of all the looks she was getting, not the least of which was Jasper's. He must have already dropped Alice off at Biology before heading to English as well. She glanced back and forth between the two boys, unsure what to do. Jasper scowled at her as he began heading in her direction.

Bella bit down hard on her lip, hating her insecurity and indecision. She was spared from speech by Jasper's arrival.

"Come on, Bells, you'll be late." He said the words with quiet menace, like they were just meant for her, but his eyes were on Edward.

She frowned without being able to stop herself. He hadn't called her that in years and, now, when it was convenient he wanted to be feign affection for her? Her whole body stiffened when he glared pointedly between her and the hallway that would lead to English.

Before rationality could catch up with her, she stepped away from him.

"It's fine, J, I already promised…ummm..."

"Edward," the new boy supplied helpfully, his easy smile replaced by a sardonic grin.

"That's right. I already promised Edward I'd show him where Mr. Mason's room is."

"He can tag along," Jasper said, giving her another pointed look and stepping back to her side.

She slid out of his reach, moving so that she stood right next to Edward. "We have to stop by the office first so he can get a sign-in sheet," she lied.

"But – "

"She'll catch you later," Edward said. "I really need her help. I don't want to be late and start out on the wrong foot." His expression was innocent, but she again saw the thinly veiled amusement.

"Too late for that," Jasper mocked. He directed his attention back to Bella, and she almost quelled under the fury of his gaze. "Seriously, you're helping him?"

"Yeah. I promised Charlie to be nice." She added the last part because, despite her current defiance, she couldn't bear to go against him.

"Whatever," he grumbled, and Bella's shoulders fell as he turned and walked away, the tension of the conflict lifting.

"Boyfriend?" Edward asked, eyebrows raised.

"No," she replied, starting to move.

He followed her in silence for a few steps before speaking again. "Want him to be?"

"No." Her words were too quick, too forceful, and she knew she'd given herself away.

"God, that figures," he chuckled, rolling his eyes skyward and shaking his head.

She stopped, pivoting so that she stood face to face with him. He paused too. She thought he was about to speak, but he checked himself at her expression. It would have been nice to think that it was anger that had quelled his likely sarcastic comeback, but she knew she probably just looked pathetic.

They stood there, just staring at each other for several minutes until the final bell jolted her back into sanity. Without another word, she turned and started back down the hallway, Edward following her out into the drizzle in silence. She paused just outside their classroom.

"I'm Bella, by the way," she said softly.

"I know," he answered cryptically, reaching around her to open the door with a frown.

He didn't even look at her for the rest of the period.


	3. Chapter Three: She Contemplates

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish Stephenie Meyer didn't own them either.

**Chapter Three – She Contemplates**

Edward may have been looking resolutely away from her all class, but she could feel Jasper's eyes boring holes into the back of her head. It took a considerable amount of effort to stay sitting upright, attention focused forward. All she wanted to do was bolt for the door and make a run for it, but she was trapped. Each second seemed to tick by, and she felt the walls closing in. She hated that he could make her feel so small, and she hated even more that he would.

She wished that she could pinpoint a moment, some specific place in time where Jasper had switched from her childhood friend to the cold, inconsiderate son of a bitch he had become. So many theories had run through her mind over time: the attention lavished on Rosalie, the unreasonable expectations of his parents, the arrival of Alice. She didn't know. It was like one day he'd woken up and decided that she was dirt so low he couldn't even deign to walk on it.

Even more frustrating was the fact that she still didn't know what went through his head when he thought of her. There were times when she felt sure that he hated her. There were times when she thought he missed their friendship. There were times when she thought he wanted something even more. There were times when it felt like all three at once.

She had thought the idea of him hating her would be too much to bear, but it was the moments when she sensed in him something more that hurt the most. She felt angry, jealous, sad, and guilty all at once in those moments. She knew, deep down, that he loved Alice. She knew that. It killed her to know it, but she did. He was a different person around Alice, and that made her more jealous than anything else. As hard as it would have been, she could have lived with her unrequited feelings if she'd been able to keep Jasper as a friend – she just wanted him to be happy – but watching him become this shell of the boy she fell in love with and then watching him fall in love with her polar opposite has almost killed her.

If she'd had any guts, she would have just asked him. But she didn't, and so she just took it. Or she had until Edward arrived.

He was sitting in a seat two seats over from her, staring at the ceiling and drumming his long fingers on his desk. Knowing that he couldn't see her, she let herself watch him from the corner of her eye. On closer inspection, the eyeliner that was smeared below his eyes looked awkwardly applied, like he'd never done it before. The black of his hair were a deep, inky black, and the length of the tips was so equal that it too looked recently done. Even his clothes looked brand new. The only thing that seemed well worn was the only element of his ensemble that seemed out of place: a worn, brown leather messenger bag.

A small, folded piece of paper landed on her desk and distracted her from her inspection. She opened it cautiously, taking care to be as surreptitious as possible. When she was sure Mr. Mason wasn't looking, she flattened it on her desk.

_What the hell, Bella? _

She exhaled sharply through her nose as she stared at the paper. It was easy to be angry with him in writing, when she didn't have to suffer his stare.

_What do you care?_

As soon as she had scribbled her response, she again waited until Mr. Mason's attention was elsewhere before tossing it behind her. Her pen tapped against her thigh and her foot jiggled as she waited nervously for his reply. It didn't take long.

_I care._

She felt her body stiffen as she took in those two little words. Two little words that meant so much. She longed to believe him, but she couldn't do it. She wanted to crumple the paper into a ball and pitch it straight at his head, but she didn't.

_You haven't cared about me in years._

For several long minutes she just stared at her response. The truth of the words was undeniable, but it hurt to see them spelled out, memorialized on the page. It made their truth even more painfully obvious. Her pen was poised over the paper preparing to scratch her last line out when it was snatched from under her hand. Her first response was abject fear, thinking it had been confiscated. However, as soon as she saw Mr. Mason with his back to the class she realized where the paper had gone.

His response came almost instantaneously.

_Don't be a fucking idiot._

She bristled at his cavalier response.

_I'm not a fucking idiot, J. I know that you don't care about anything but your god damn self._

Again, his response came within seconds of getting the paper.

_I care about Alice._

She wanted to scream.

_I know you do._

His response infuriated her further.

_And I know you care about her too. How do you think she'd feel if she knew you were getting so fucking chummy with the fucker who just snubbed her?_

Bella was about to point out that Alice would get over it. She was just about to tell him that if he had something to say, he should say it himself instead of hiding behind his girlfriend. Unfortunately, Mr. Mason turned around right as she was about to start writing.

"So, because I'm getting lazy in my old age and you kids seem to be even lazier, I've decided that I want to grade half as many term projects this semester. As a result, you're going to be in pairs." He paused to let the inevitable collective groan make its way through the room before alleviating their worries. "Don't worry, you get to pick your partners."

Jasper was already tapping her on the shoulder, and she had automatically turned around to face him, though she kept her eyes downward. No matter how many problems they had, they were always partners if Alice wasn't in their class.

"Partner?" he asked gruffly.

"Yeah," she whispered, preparing to turn back around in her chair.

As she was situating herself, she saw Edward's hand shoot into the air.

"Mr. Mason? I'm new here and I don't really know anyone. I was wondering if it was possible if I could work with Bella, since she's kind of showing me around."

She froze, staring at him aghast. He still hadn't so much as glanced at her, but he was trying to circumvent the rules to make her his partner.

"Miss Swan?" Mr. Mason questioned, eyebrow raised.

"Umm…I already agreed to be Jasper's partner, sir."

"Well, Mr. Hale, Miss Weber is out sick today and she'll need a partner. Perhaps you wouldn't mind pairing with her."

"Bella is always my partner," was his reply, and Bella couldn't help the rush of warmth that hit her face. "I'd prefer to keep it that way. Can't Cullen partner Angela?"

"I suppose he could. Be that as it may," Mr. Mason said slowly, a grin stretching to reveal his too large teeth, "I'm inclined to partner you with Miss Weber. Miss Swan, you will partner Mr. Cullen."

"But you said we got to pick our partners! I picked Bella! It isn't fair that everyone else – "

"Absolutely, Mr. Hale. It isn't fair. I've taken your complaint to heart and rescinded my earlier offer. You have shown me the error of my ways – I will be assigning partners, and I am assigning you to Miss Weber and Miss Swan to Mr. Cullen."

As Mr. Mason raised his voice to assign partners over the grumbles, Bella turned around to look at Jasper. He was scowling at the front, and his face didn't relax at all as he met her anxious gaze.

"This is so shitty," he huffed.

"Yeah," she whispered.

"Alice is going to be so pissed that you're his partner."

Her heart sank in her chest as the implication of his words sunk into her brain. Of course he was only trying to keep her away from Edward for Alice's sake. Of course it had nothing to do with him. She turned slowly to face the front, her frown frozen on her face, not wanting to look at him anymore. Her mind remained blank and her eyes unfocussed until the bell rang, when she picked up her bag and headed for the door like a robot.

"Bella!" a voice called out, and she was startled to see Edward jogging to her side.

"What do you want?" she mumbled.

"I have U.S. History next," he said simply.

"Come on," she sighed, heading toward the history portable without even bothering to look back and check Jasper's expression despite the feeling of his eyes on her.

She couldn't believe her bad luck. All the anticipation she'd felt over Edward's arrival had fizzled into nothing. Now, the sight of him was enough to fill her with dread. Her life was complicated enough already, and she didn't need the aggravation he was apparently going to bring with him.

"I was thinking we could do a Nabakov for the project," he said casually.

"I don't think that's what Mr. Mason had in mind," she replied.

"He might make a special dispensation if we asked."

"Let's just do Hemingway."

"If we wanted to be boring and just like everybody else, maybe," he mocked.

She scowled, her eyes narrowing as she stared up at him. "Oh yes, and _you_ couldn't possibly be like everyone else. That explains the ridiculous make-up and the edgy outfit. God, you really are just like the rest of them. Equally as unworthy of my time."

He let out a low whistle. "Temper, temper," he teased mildly. "I don't see you applying any of this fire to – "

"Say one more word and you'll be sorry. You have no idea what you're talking about, none at all, and you don't get to spend an entire class not even _looking_ at me and then lecture me about things you couldn't possibly understand. We're here, by the way," she said, stomping toward the classroom door, swinging it open, and walking to her desk in the back corner without another glance at him.

Mad as she was, it was a struggle to keep her eyes away from him. She felt her eyes welling up with tears and so buried her face in her arms, enveloping herself in a dark cocoon and letting the cool wood veneer of the desk cool her heated cheeks. She knew she was being watched, but she also knew the whole class was likely staring at her.

She shot straight up in her chair. "Miss Robbins?" she asked tentatively.

"Yes, dear?" her teacher responded, absent-mindedly flipping through a book on her desk.

"I'm not feeling very well. Maybe I please be excused to the nurse?"

Her teacher's worried blue eyes found her face and frowned. "Of course, Bella. Would you like someone to accompany – "

"No!" Her voice was practically a shout. "Ummm…no," she continued more quietly. "I can make it by myself."

"Are you sure?"

Bella didn't even bother to answer. She grabbed her bag and ducked her chin to her chest, bolting for the door. It was a miracle that she didn't trip until she got outside, and then managed to make it to the nurse's office in one piece. Despite her occasional instances of skipping with Jasper and Alice, she'd never once made a deliberate trip to the nurse's office. Luckily, this made her story more plausible and Nurse Rand clucked over her for a few minutes before leaving her to lay on the tiny cot in the back room.

She stared at the ceiling, imagining patterns in the water stains of the ceiling tiles. The speed with which her life had managed to turn itself upside down amazed her. For months each day had marched by looking and feeling exactly the day as the one before it. All it took was a single moment on the highway to upend her routine. She wanted to go back in time and pull safely to the shoulder, letting Edward pass her by rather than starting the game she was afraid she was still playing. But then again…she didn't know what her prize would be at the end.

For the first time in as long as she could remember, she thought about someone besides Jasper…imagined her fingers tangled into thick, auburn locks rather than silky, honey gold strands. She shook her head violently to free the traitorous images from her brain. As intriguing as she found Edward, she still needed and wanted Jasper.

It was true that she couldn't place the moment that signified the start of his descent into douchery, but she recalled the moment she knew that their friendship would never be the same with perfect clarity. Again, an irrational hatred of Alice overcame her and it was all she could do to fight it back.

It wasn't Alice's fault.

She'd shown up in Forks every bit as eccentric as she currently was. Of course, her vivacity had taken the small town by storm, and, for a reason that Bella still didn't understand, she had clung to her like they were soul-mates. For three years she'd been a part of their group of friends, hanging out with Bella and Jasper or, occasionally, the kids from the rez or Angela.

In eighth grade, Bella started noticing the changes in Jasper. They came on slowly, and it took her weeks and weeks to even notice that his bad mood wasn't getting better. He pushed her away and she clung closer to Alice. At the time, she'd feared that he knew her secret, that he knew how she thought about him all the time and thought she was ugly or not worthy or just….not enough. She was too heartbroken by the reversal in his treatment of her, too afraid of what he might say, to fix things. With the same astonishing speed that her life was turning upside down yet again, her whole world had crumbled along with their friendship.

A year later, during the summer before their sophomore year, he'd shown up at her door and she'd almost fainted from the combination of anxiety and excitement. He'd quietly asked to come in, and Bella had wordlessly led him into the living room. She sat on the couch, hoping against hope that he'd take the cushion next to hers, but he sat in Charlie's worn recliner in the corner.

All of the optimism that had welled up with his sudden appearance on her doorstep had immediately evaporated as soon as he asked her to find out if Alice maybe liked him. _Liked_ him, liked him, he'd emphasized. She'd almost thrown up. As calmly as she could, she promised him she'd find out and put in a word for him. As soon as he thanked her and let himself out, she'd dissolved into hysterics, sobbing with reckless abandon into her pillows.

Bella had wanted to do what he asked, she really had. She'd sat in her friend's room, watching her glue crystals all over her backpack, and she'd wanted to say something. She'd even opened her mouth, preparing to tell Alice that her ex-friend and current crush wanted her to be his girlfriend.

The words had died before they'd even left her lips. She couldn't make herself say them…couldn't condemn herself to the life that would come with Alice and Jasper dating. She'd told herself she wasn't hurting anyone – Alice had never expressed even an inkling of interest in Jasper, and Alice told her _everything_. Loathing herself more than she'd thought possible, she'd gone back to Jasper and told him that Alice really liked him as a friend, but that was it.

Only it wasn't it.

Jasper's hatred of her seemed to only increase in its intensity, and she thought it was just a case of him wanting to shoot the messenger.

Of _course_ that wasn't it.

It still made her shudder to remember the moment that Jasper and Alice's…coupledom had become clear to her, the moment she'd known that her lie had been revealed. Again, she shook her head, needing to free herself from the torment the memories brought. A glance at the clock told her she'd successfully frittered away her entire history period.

She stood and stretched, feeling much more calm and relaxed even after the harrowing memories she'd relived while on the cot. Gathering her things, she ducked through the door. She gave Nurse Rand her promise that if she felt ill again she'd head home and take it easy and prepared to leave the office. She paused outside of the building, checking her bag for her pre-cal notes. Relieved she didn't have to stop by her locker, she was about to head toward class when she heard someone clear their throat loudly from her side causing her to jump.

"Jesus, Edward. You scared the shit out of me," she gasped breathlessly

"Sorry," he said, sounding surprisingly genuine.

"Come to torture me some more?" she asked, heading toward class.

"Not exactly," he hedged.

She paused in her step, cocking her head to the side and looking at him. "You're in every single one of my classes aren't you?"

"All of them but Spanish. I have independent study that period."

"How did you finagle that?" she asked curiosity and jealousy warring for prominence.

"Parlo Italiano. La mia madre nasceva a Roma."

"So you tested out of foreign languages?"

"Sì."

"Wow, I'm embarrassingly impressed. And insanely jealous."

He shrugged. "It's easy when you start early. Esme only ever speaks Italian to me. It's actually pretty annoying."

"Why are you talking to me?"

It was his turn to falter at her abrupt non-sequitur. "Uh…What?"

She whirled on him. "You heard me. You spent all of first period ignoring me. Then you demand to be my partner. Then you are a total jackass to me on the way to History. And now you're waiting for me outside the nurse's office and making small talk. I don't get it."

"I needed someone to – "

Bella barked a laugh. "Trust me, Edward, you had no shortage of options for guides, Rosalie's 'persona non grata' bullshit aside. So please, just be honest with me. I can't _bear_ being played with. Not right now."

"You make me laugh."

She just stared at him.

"You do. Your stunt in the truck, bitchy though it might have been at the time, was pretty hysterical in retrospect. And I got the impression it wasn't the first time you'd done it. Plus, your dad told me you'd keep an eye on me."

"My dad?" she asked, incredulous.

"He gave me a ticket after our little encounter. I was perhaps less than respectful, and I asked him where he'd been when the crazy girl in the red truck was driving down the middle of the road and playing chicken with logging trucks. He just laughed and said he'd deal with you when he got home. I'm guessing by the look on your face he didn't." He paused to flash her a crooked grin, sending her pulse racing. "Yeah. Real fucking fair, Chief Swan."

She couldn't stop a smile from twitching its way into place. "So if you had apparently decided to be my friend, why did you ignore Alice with this morning? Why didn't you just stop and say hello?"

"It's…complicated," was his only reply.

A sharp retort died on her tongue as she watched his green eyes drift over her shoulder and toward the door to the classroom. She didn't have to glance behind her to know that someone was watching them.

"Damnit," she sighed, turning around and ignoring him the rest of the way to their building.

She walked straight past Jasper's post at the door and hurried to the table she shared with Alice, giving a tentative smile as she plopped into her chair. A raised eyebrow was the only inquiry into her mood, but all Bella could do was shrug in response. She watched as Edward stalked past Jasper, brushing him roughly with his shoulder before going to hand his slip to Mr. Varner as Jasper too entered the classroom and took his seat.

Suddenly, Bella was laughing. She tried to hold it in, her whole body trembling from the effort. Alice eyed her curiously before she, too, was almost doubled over in giggles. In that moment, Bella knew her friend could care less about her interaction with Edward. As the two girls tried to blink back tears of mirth, they grinned at each other and then looked back toward the front of the room.

There, standing poker straight, was Edward, staring at the lone empty seat in the classroom with the same expression of disgust that he'd displayed that morning. And, sitting directly next to that empty chair was an even more annoyed Jasper sending murderous glares at the sources of the laughter behind him.


	4. Chapter Four: She Cowers

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish Stephenie Meyer didn't own them either.

**Chapter Four – She Cowers**

Bella's hand copied down equations on auto-pilot as she tried to take stock of her morning. More than anything else, it was a weight off to know that Alice wasn't mad at her. She'd known at the time that any pouting or ranting done by Alice would be for attention purposes only, but it was nice to be sure. She wasn't sure what exactly was going on with Edward – she had, after all, only known him for a grand total of about three hours – but she knew that there was _something_, and she couldn't bear having to keep another secret from her best friend.

The thought startled her. She hadn't even considered not talking to Edward, hadn't thought about going back to how things were. The strange unwillingness to give him up already was surprising and, if she was honest with herself, more than a little scary. Without being conscious of it, her eyes had drifted to him. He'd pressed his chair as far away from Jasper as he could get it, his seatmate mirroring his stance. His narrow shoulders were hunched over, and she could see him writing furiously. Occasionally, he would pause to run those his long fingers through his hair, leaving it wild and – heaven help her – incredibly inviting.

The longer she stared, the more the tension that had wound him up so tightly seemed to lessen. She wanted to think that he could feel her eyes on him and that he liked it, but she knew she couldn't take full credit – Jasper's obvious seething probably amused him to no end. Her theory was confirmed when he glanced quickly over his shoulder at her, flashing a wink that sent all the blood in her body rushing straight to her face. Alice watched the entire exchange, smiling knowingly at Bella who just stuck out her tongue in response.

Cautiously, Alice ripped a piece of paper from her notebook as silently as possible and placed it between them.

_Bella and new kid, sitting in a tree…K-I-S-S-I-N-G!_

_**His name is Edward. He's nice.**_

_Oh yes, he was soooooooo nice this morning. Real Mr. Manners, B. But hey, I like them grumpy and mysterious too so I can't blame you._

There was a winky face following the pronouncement, but Bella saw the faint hint of guilt in her friend's eyes. Everyone knew that Jasper didn't like Bella, but no one knew how to handle it. She liked to just ignore it as much as possible, and, as usual settled for a humorous deflection.

_**You are molting all over the floor, you realize.**_

_It's a literal manifestation of my unforgettableness._

_**Do you even know what that means?!?**_

_Nope. But who cares. I'm cute and interesting!_

Bella was barely able to fight back a giggle. Mr. Varner sent her a reproving glance and she tried to wipe the mirth from her face and failed.

_**Ok, enough of this. I'm going to get in trouble.**_

_No! As delightful as I find your wit, I didn't start this note to flirt with you, woman! Why does Jasper hate new kid?_

It was several long minutes before Bella could decide how to respond to Alice's question. She wished she knew the reasons. In theory, he hated Edward because she wasn't his English partner anymore. In theory he hated Edward because he was new. In theory he hated Edward because he was mean to Alice. In theory, he hated Edward because he hated _everyone. _Still, those were just theories, and she knew it had to be something more. It had to be more, because she'd seen the way Jasper had looked at Edward's car and heard the way he responded to her crazy encounter with him. But she couldn't say that to Alice…she could barely admit it to herself.

**_It's Edward. And I don't know. There was an incident in English, but I'll have to tell you at lunch. Don't even try pouting at me, either. It's too long to write out._**

_Summary?_

_**I'm not J's English partner anymore…**_

Alice's blue eyes widened in shock, her jaw dropping open in momentary surprise. Immediately, her mouth snapped shut. She sucked on her top lip as she sent nervous glances to the ball of fury Jasper had slowly shrunk into as the period progressed.

Bella was just preparing to write again when Mr. Varner spoke.

"Bella, perhaps you can kindly give me the solution to this equation?"

"Umm…which one?" she asked, her voice timid and small.

"Number seven, Miss Swan, though you'd know that if you were listening to what I just said."

She sent a desperate glance at Alice who shrugged helplessly as she looked at the army of equations that had filled the board during their chat. They were all related to vectors, she knew that. She also knew she had no hope of solving one on the spot. She bought time by trying to explain how to solve the equations, and was just about to admit that she hadn't been paying attention at all and had no idea what the answer was when Edward leaned over in his seat, three numbers written in huge letters on the page that his movement revealed.

"So, the solution would be…" She trailed off, unsure of whether she could trust him. It only took her a second to realize she had no other options. A wrong answer was better than no answer when faced with Mr. Varner's penchant for detentions.

"Negative one, two, and seven?" She phrased her response like a question, hoping to cover her ass just in case Edward was every bit the douche he'd acted like earlier in the day.

"Very good," Mr. Varner said, begrudgingly. "Mr. Cheney, you – "

Ben was saved by the bell, and Bella joined the rest of her class in hurriedly packing up her books so that she could bolt before she was asked to stay after. She followed Jasper and Alice out of the room, watching her try to soothe him with gentle caresses up his arm. Seeing the contact reminded her of the short period their hands had touched that morning. Her whole body broke out in goose bumps just from the memory.

"Bella, wait up!" Edward called, and she realized she'd been waiting for him to say her name.

"Hey," she said quietly, conflicted and confused by the response she was having to his presence. "Thanks for that. The thought of another hour of detention with that man is enough to make me vomit. You really saved my life."

"Well, I had to make sure you had permission to talk to me," he teased, though all traces of his smile were wiped away as soon as he glanced over her shoulder. The swiftness with which his smile switched to a grimace was disconcerting.

"God damnit. Is this going to be a regular occurrence?"

She was just about to turn around to face whatever he was glaring at when a large hand clasped her arm. The grip was forceful rather than rough, but she could feel the anger and tension in Jasper's fingers.

"Excuse us, please," he practically growled, tugging Bella away.

Edward opened his mouth as if to speak but was silenced by her beseeching gaze. She watched him over his shoulder while Jasper drug her away like a child, staring at him long after he'd turned back toward the main building. When he finally disappeared from sight, she faced forward again.

Alice stood waiting from them, twisting her tiny hands together and frowning up at her boyfriend.

"Jesus, Jasper. That was totally unnecessary!"

"That would be where you are wrong," he replied, releasing his grip on Bella and sending her in Alice's direction. "That kid is a total fucking dick. She doesn't need to be his new BFF."

"I don't think that's possible," Alice said, her smile fake and her voice unnaturally bright. "She already _has_ a BFF, and I'm pretty damn irreplaceable."

"Oh, _so_ irreplaceable babe. That's why she's been fucking drooling over him all god damn day. Even after the way he treated you."

His last sentence almost seemed like an afterthought, and Bella felt her traitorous heart do a flip inside of her chest as she flushed. She wanted to back away and flee, but Alice rolled her eyes at Jasper and linked arms with her before she had a chance.

"Come on, BFF. Someone is in a snit. And that _someone_" she added, glaring at Jasper, "can walk his own bitchy ass to lunch."

Bella just gaped at her friend as she was tugged through the halls. They'd almost made it to the door when she heard Jasper start to move forward. She knew he wasn't following them, but it was a small school and there were only so many ways to get a round. The fact that he hadn't chased after Alice, flashing his devil-may-care grin and kissing her nose with an over the top apology surprised her, and she could tell it surprised Alice too.

Still, Alice kept marching resolutely forward. Bella often marveled at the other girl's strength. How easy it was for her to just puff herself up and ignore him. How easy it was for her to just ignore _all_ of them. How sure of herself she was. It was almost maddening.

She knew that Alice wasn't perfect – she'd seen the look of hurt and shock when Edward had so clearly snubbed her – but she bounced back, and Bella knew that the rebound wasn't normally an act. Alice only ever wore her too vibrant smile when she was trying to cheer up someone else, usually Jasper.

When they rounded the corner to the cafeteria, Alice hustled her over to their regular table. The cafeteria, normally reflective of the school's hive mentality and abuzz with noise, was eerily hushed as people leaned across their tables to whisper to each other. All their looks were drawn to the same place.

"You'd think he was a circus freak show or something, the way they keep staring at him," Alice said, rolling her eyes and pulling out a Tupperware container full of cheerios before popping a handful into her mouth.

"Well, for Forks, he kind of is," Bella pointed out, her eyes shooting toward Edward. She felt a pang when she realized that he wasn't looking at her. She followed his gaze to see Jasper, standing in line with a tray and staring at her.

"Puh-lease," Alice said. "I'm a bigger freak show than him any day!"

"Of course. You are a unique and delicate snowflake," Bella teased, faking a laugh as she kept a wary eye on Jasper.

"Damn skippy," Alice chirped, tapping her spoon against her bowl and looking over her shoulder. "I really shouldn't piss him off before lunch. Dry cereal sucks."

"You know he'll be over here with milk and an apology in five minutes."

"He better be."

Sure enough, Jasper was nearing the front of the line. The tension in his shoulders was obvious to everyone - even the lunch lady seemed to cringe away from him. He was wound so tight that Bella knew that it was only a matter of time before he exploded. She also knew that if she was sitting at their table when he finally made his way back to Alice's side, he was likely to explode all over her.

"I need some air," Bella said, watching for a momentary distraction

Alice simply slid the keys across the table to Bella with a knowing look. "See you after school. I'll fix this before then."

Bella took the keys with a grateful smile and bolted, but not out the rear doors. She headed out like she was going to the library, hoping she wouldn't be followed. As soon as the cafeteria doors swung shut behind her, she hurried down a side hallway and slipped out the door. She walked briskly through the ever present mist, not even bothering to pull the hood of her raincoat into place.

With a relieved sigh, she unlocked the doors to Alice's car and collapsed into the back seat. Her book was in her bag, but fictional release was not what she needed. Instead, she just closed her eyes and tried to relax. She'd spend all day worrying about her current predicament and thinking about everything that had gone wrong, so she tried to remember back to happier days.

She thought back to the time that she and Emmett had gone fishing with their fathers and he'd pushed her in. She remembered Rosalie teaching her how to braid hair. Mostly, though, she remembered Jasper as he used to be. She remembered him coming over to watch cartoons every day during the summer. She remembered lending him novels when he forced histories upon her. She remembered the days when his smiles had been easy and carefree, and when his eyes sparkled with something other than malice. She remembered him as one of her best friends and not as the most complicated part of her life.

Her eyes flashed open when a loud scraping, like nails on a chalkboard, startled her from her reverie. She sat bolt upright, her eyes widening and her mouth falling open as she took in the sight before her. Standing two spots away, his back to her, was Jasper. His fingers held a key as he ran it down the side of Edward's shiny black paint job, leaving behind a deep, silver gash.

As if he felt her eyes on him he froze, whirling around. It didn't take long for him to spot her, still frozen in the backseat. It took a moment for his expression to switch from shock to anger, and Bella could have sworn she saw a flash of hurt in between. Too soon his familiar scowl spread its way across his features. He stuck his fist in front of his face and beckoned her sarcastically with his finger.

Her first thought was to stay in the safe confines of the car. The idea of a sturdy steel door between herself and Jasper's temper was incredibly appealing. Still, she found herself opening the door and climbing out into the rain. She told herself that it was because she wasn't a coward, but deep down she knew that it was an excuse to be near him. It was almost sick how much she thrived on these moments alone, hate filled though they seemed, but she could worry about that later – she _would_ worry about that later.

"Stalker," he said, as soon as the door closed behind her.

"I was out here first," she pointed out, her whisper barely audible through the rain.

"Who cares?" he snorted. "Now get back inside."

"What are you going to – "

"None of your damn business!" he interrupted.

"It may not be mine," she said, starting to seethe, "but it sure as hell will interest Edward!"

Jasper scoffed at her. "Yeah, sure. Tell him. Be a crybaby tattle-tale. Do you really think my dad would risk allowing the blame to be placed on me? Do you really think he'd give me a detention without proof?"

"_I'm_ the proof!" she huffed, though she knew that Principal Hale would never stand to see his son involved in scandal.

"And your word means _nothing_. Everyone knows we don't get along! Everyone knows you're just a bitter, jilted – "

"_Shut up!"_

"I don't think – "

"I said toshut the fuck up, J! Just _shup up_! You can't just _do_ this. He didn't do anything to you! And, you know what? Your dad may not care…_your_ dad may not look into this…but mine sure as shit will!"

"You wouldn't dare," he hissed, his steely eyes narrowed menacingly.

"I don't know _what_ I wouldn't do anymore," she shouted, throwing her hands up into the air.

For a long moment, he just stared at her. Her brown eyes flashed in anger, but the way she chewed on her bottom lip gave away her confusion and insecurity. Her skin was unnaturally pale from the cold, but her cheeks were flushed from the heat of their argument. Combined with her long hair whipping wildly around her face as the wind increased, she looked positively wild.

Jasper couldn't stop his eyes from widening as he stared at her, and the same shock and hurt from earlier returned. She watched as he warred silently with himself, clearly considering a tactic. He frowned for a split second before his scowl was back.

"I know _exactly_ what you wouldn't do," he said, mockery dripping from each word.

Fear raced through her. "J, you can't just – "

"I _can_. Would you like to know why I can?" He paused for a second, but she knew that his question was rhetorical. "I _can_ because you won't stop me. You wouldn't dare. You wouldn't dare risk it if it meant everyone finding out your secret. _Everyone._"

Bella gasped, staring at him in horror. The blood drained from her cheeks, the spark faded from her eyes, and her whole posture deflated under his amused stare.

"That's right_, B_. If you so much as _think_ about this around Edward Cullen or your father, I'll tell anyone I can get to listen to me about your sick little obsession with me. I'll tell Alice about how you betrayed _both_ of us. I'll let Rosalie's lapdogs know about your _unrequited_ little crush. And I'll make sure everyone knows about how you just stood and watched when – "

"Stop it," she stammered, backing away from him. "I won't say anything."

"Exactly," he replied with a self-satisfied smirk.


	5. Chapter Five She Gets a Surprise

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish that Stephenie Meyer didn't own them either.

**Chapter Five – She Gets a Surprise**

Rain pattered softly on the exposed windowsill, a fresh breeze blowing through the tiny opening left to let the clean smell of cedar cleanse her mood. Snuggled in her ratty quilt and one of her dad's old Forks Police Department sweatshirts, Bella was toasty warm despite the draft. She burrowed deeper into the cocoon she had created for herself, leaving exposed only the very tips of her fingers that were necessary to hold her book in its place. Despite these favorable reading conditions, she had not turned a single page in over half an hour.

The rest of her school day had been a disaster that she'd been reliving since she'd stumbled from Alice's car and managed to make her way back inside the sanctuary of home. Her dinner preparation had been mechanical and simple – fried fish, salad, and baked potatoes – but she'd barely been able to eat any of it. Charlie's worried glances only made her feel more pathetic, so she'd called up a blush, stammered that she wasn't feeling very well, and fled upstairs.

For hours she'd just lain there, idly flipping pages she knew that she would have to go back and re-read later, because all she could think about was the disaster her day had become. As bad as the morning had been, it looked like fluffy bunnies and sunshine compared to the aftermath of her confrontation with Jasper.

It made her shudder just to remember it. She'd wanted to flee but was too paralyzed. Instead, she'd completely crumbled, following him like a dog into the building and back to their lunch table. Alice hadn't said a word. She hadn't even made eye contact, instead staring resolutely at the last remaining cheerios in her bowl and batting them about with her spoon.

The ringing of the bell had at first seemed like a blessing, but it ended up being a curse. She'd wandered to Biology, glad that for once she would finally have class to herself. She couldn't bear Jasper's glares or Alice's worry or Edward's frustrated sighs. It was too much.

But fate's a bitch, and when she'd swung open the door to the portable, the only seat in the room that had been empty now contained a familiar face sporting its heart clenching crooked smile. And that seat? Right next to her own. She'd wanted to cry, but knew it would only make the situation worse. Instead, she'd sat silently, ignoring Edward's confused looks and, later, his hurt glances and annoyed glares.

She couldn't talk to him. She had no right. She'd pledged her allegiance long ago, and those emerald eyes – so full of fire and life – weren't going to make her sacrifice her secrets. She wasn't going to become a laughingstock just to see if running her fingers through that hair would feel as amazing as she'd imagined.

Hours later, the feeling of absolute defeat had not waned. Jasper knew he had control now, and she knew she lacked the strength necessary to defeat him. She was, as usual, at his mercy and she _loathed_ it. And him. And herself.

A glance outside revealed an inky black sky, the usual cloud cover obscuring any hope for her to see the moon. The wind increased in intensity and the branches of her tree made tiny clacking noises as they were buffeted against the rain soaked window panes, but she couldn't be bothered to get up and close it. She heard the rain picking up and closed her eyes, willing herself to be lulled to sleep by the familiar sound.

Just as her eyes were drifting close, a loud thud caused her to sit bolt upright, panting for breath. She crawled to the foot of the bed and stared in awe at the window. There, barely clinging to the worn, slippery wood of the windowsill were those unmistakable white fingers, the black polish on the nails already chipping. She watched in horror as the hands slid for a second before finally getting a sure enough grip to keep from falling. Bronze hair appeared followed by a pale forehead, intensely green eyes whose color was only enhanced by the lack of ridiculous makeup, and a scowl.

Edward stared at her blankly for a minute, breathing hard, before rolling his eyes.

"Jesus, Bella, are you really so afraid of having to live a life of your own that you're just going to let me _die?_"

She stared at him in confusion for a long minute before comprehension dawned. Her first inclination was to just let him fall but she knew that any accidents would just have to be explained later. As quietly as she could, she slipped from her bed and padded across the floor toward the window. She tried to get a grip on his forearm, but he was soaked from the rain.

"You're too slippery," she huffed. "I can't get a grip."

"Grab a hold of my belt," he grunted, straining to keep himself held up.

She hesitated for a second, trying to formulae the best way to grab him without falling out the window herself.

"Any time now," he snapped.

"Maybe," she replied lightly, leaning out the window at his side to loop her fingers through his belt loops, "if I'd had some advanced notice of this little stalking incident, I might have come up with a better plan for getting you in my room."

"Or maybe," he grunted as she began to pull, "if you'd been paying attention to all the shit I threw at your window, you could have just talked to me while I sat in the damn tree."

"Or_ maybe _–"

She never got to finish her thought. Just as she began speaking, Edward came sliding through the open window. His momentum combined with the force with which she had been pulling him sent them both to the floor in a heap.

"Oh mother fu- "

"Shut _up_," she hissed. "My dad is downstairs."

Sure enough, about a minute passed before she heard Charlie. "Bells?" he called groggily up the stairs.

"I'm fine, dad! I just tripped."

"Ok, kiddo. Be more careful, ok? I don't feel like a trip to the emergency room in the rain."

"I will," Bella called, shooting Edward a death glare as he muffled his laughter in his hands.

"Accident prone?" he whispered, once he'd gotten a hold of himself.

"You're completely soaked," she said, ignoring his earlier comments.

"That's what happens when you sit out in the rain for an hour."

"An hour?" she asked incredulously.

"Yes, an hour," he said. He ran his fingers through his wet hair before shaking it out like a dog.

"Give me your clothes," she said, grateful for the dim light as her cheeks flushed.

"What?" he asked, visibly startled.

She was already heading to her dresser. She yanked open a drawer, digging around before she found another of Charlie's old sweatshirts. Some more digging revealed a pair of exercise shorts.

"You put these on. Your stuff needs to get put in the dryer."

His mouth was open in shock and he was giving her a blank look.

"You can go change in the closet," she said, helpfully gesturing to her tiny walk-in.

It only took him a few moments to take the dry clothes and disappear into the closet to change. When he emerged, she choked on a laugh. His legs were unnaturally pale and the shorts that were much too big on her were almost too small on him.

"I'll just go put these in the dryer," she laughed, catching the wet clothes he threw at her in obvious annoyance.

Quietly, she snuck down the stairs into the utility room. Charlie was snoring softly on the sofa, the TV glowing in the background. She tiptoed down the hall, walking slowly to ensure that she stayed upright. As she was checking the labels of Edward's clothes to make sure she wouldn't ruin them, the full magnitude of her situation finally dawned upon her.

Edward Cullen was in her room.

Edward Cullen had spent an hour in the tree outside her window.

Edward Cullen had _jumped_ from her tree through her window.

Edward Cullen was _in. her. room. _

Her breath caught in her throat as she turned to head back up the stairs. It was slowly occurring to her that she should be pretty creeped out – that Edward's behavior was pretty inappropriate. As she pulled a towel out of the upstairs hall closet, all she could think of was the fact that she wasn't bothered in the least.

As soon as she opened the door, he jumped. He'd situated himself at the foot of her bed and was wrapped snugly in her fleece throw. She tossed the towel at him. As he rubbed at his hair, she stood with her arms crossed, staring. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally met her gaze.

"Well?" she demanded, her eyebrows raised.

"Well, what?"

"Why the hell are you jumping in my window in the middle of the night," she asked seriously. "And insulting me as you do it!"

"I didn't insult you."

"You did."

"Ok, maybe I did, but – "

"No buts, Edward. I want to know what the hell you are doing in my room, and I want to know right now."

"If you'd just stop talking for five seconds and let me – "

"You're like some crazy stalker, aren't you?"

"No! It's not like that!"

"So what? You act all weird at school today and decide the cherry on top of your sundae of strangeness would be to climb the fuck through my window?"

"You want to talk about strange?" he demanded, his green eyes sparking as he ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "You spend all day staring at me, talking to me despite the fact that you have psycho friends, and then you fucking ignore me in Bio. And _then_, as if today wasn't already going to be the day from hell, someone keyed my damn car."

"So you spent an hour sitting in a tree outside my window to accuse me of keying your car?" Her voice came out in a squeak, and she almost grimaced. His appearance at her window had made her forget Jasper, and remembering him sent her into a panic.

He raised a brow at her, and she noticed again how much different he looked now that the eyeliner was gone. "I know who keyed my car, Bella," he said simply. "And I couldn't care less. My dad's mechanic is coming out tonight to fix the damage. I didn't come here to accuse you of anything. I came here to apologize."

She snorted, hoping to hide her fear long enough to formulate a plan. "You're doing a _super_ job."

"Well maybe if you weren't the most exasperating person alive…"

She just stared at him.

"You're right. That was uncalled for. I'm sorry. I don't know what I did – "

"You didn't do anything," she interrupted, and immediately wanted to suck the words back in.

"I know I didn't."

"Why are you here?" she whispered, collapsing into her rocking chair, suddenly too exhausted to stand.

"Hell if I know," he replied, and again his hand went straight to his hair. "I've never done anything like this before."

"It is a little creepy," she said, smiling tentatively.

"Yeah," he agreed, his eyes sliding shut as he tilted his face toward the ceiling. "But I figured if I wanted to talk to you without getting my ass kicked drastic measures were necessary."

"Can we please not talk about that?"

"Talk about what? Talk about your abusive _protector_ and your self-centered best friend."

"Get out."

Her response was immediate. Her voice sounded dead even to her own ears, but she tried to be firm as she stood and pointed resolutely at the window. She'd spent all night ignoring thinking about Jasper, and the last thing she wanted to do in her mood was be forced into defending him after the horrible things he'd said to her. A fight was the perfect way to get him out of her room before she was allowed to forget herself again.

Edward stood, but made no move to exit the window. "My clothes aren't dry."

"I don't care."

"I do. I'm not going anywhere."

"Yes you are."

"So make me."

"My father is downstairs. He's very protective of my virtue. He's also heavily armed and the chief of police. I don't think it would be hard," she said, a mocking smile contorting her features.

"So do it," he said.

"I'm counting to three," she warned, her heart starting to race as he took a step toward her.

"And I'll still be here for four."

"One," she said, and he took another step toward her. She wanted to step back but she was practically pressed up against the slope of her ceiling already.

"Two," she whispered, and again he took a step closer. His eyes had tiny sparkles of topaz flecked around the irises, making the green seem to glow.

She didn't get to three. As soon as her mouth opened, he took the final step, his lean body pressed up against hers. One set of long fingers wove themselves gently into her hair as his other hand found its way to the small of her back. Her breath came in gasps as their gazes remained locked together. He bent down and paused, green eyes searching brown. She knew he was asking permission, knew that he didn't want to scare her.

When she didn't flinch, his eyes fluttered shut as he pressed his lips tentatively to hers. A tiny tingle ran through her whole body, and her hands found their way into the coarse locks she'd been longing to touch since she'd seen him that morning. As his kiss became more insistent and she found herself melting into his arms, she couldn't help but marvel that she'd only known him a day – that she didn't really know him at all.

Screwing up her courage, she pulled away from him. "Oh my God," she whispered, her fingers touching her lips.

"Yeah, pretty much," he agreed with a worried frown.

Her back fell back against the wall with a thump. Slowly, she slid downward, collapsing into a heap on the floor. "Oh my _God_."

Edward, still looking concerned, came and fell gracefully at her side. With a finger under her chin, he tipped her face upward. "Tell me what you're thinking," he said, searching her face.

"I'm thinking Oh. My. God."

"You're wonderful."

"I'm horrible."

"You aren't."

"I'm an awful, selfish person. I can't believe I just let you do that." And she couldn't. Especially when she would have to go back to pretending he didn't exist the next day.

"I can," he said, moving his hand to lay it gently on her cheek.

"Oh, thanks," she scowled.

"Hey." He put his hands on her shoulders and gave her a small shake. "Don't do that. I meant that you let me do it for the same reason that I _did_ it. There's something about you…about _us_...I don't know what it is, but it's something."

"But – "

"No," he interrupted. "Don't say it. Please don't"

"Edward – "

"God, I couldn't stand it if you said…I'm going to go." He rose quickly to his feet, moving toward the window.

"But, your clothes!"

With a frustrated groan he turned back around. "All right."

Bella didn't say anything as she awkwardly climbed to her feet, hurrying from the room with her eyes on the floor. The breath she didn't realize she'd been holding in came out in a whoosh as her door clicked shut behind her. She plodded down the stairs to the utility room, swinging open the dryer door just before it buzzed, and she sighed in relief. The clothes were still warm, and it took a surprising amount of effort not to bury her face in them. Instead, she hugged them to her chest.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Jasper could just – she paused mid-step as a startling revelation occurred to her. Jasper had never told her to keep away from Edward. In fact, the only promise she'd given was not to tell him about the car, and she didn't have to. Hell, she didn't even have to feel guilty about _not_ telling him, since he so obviously knew who it was.

With a careful briskness, she began her trek back up the stairs. She didn't even bother being quiet, so deep were Charlie's snores emanating from the couch. When she finally reached her bedroom again, she eased the door open to find Edward standing in the same spot she'd left him, staring out the window. He tensed with her approach.

"It's stopped raining," she said, stating what he must have been aware of since he'd just spent at least ten minutes staring outside.

He took the clothes she offered to him without a word, and her heart inexplicably sank in her chest. She could feel tears forming in her eyes, and she hurriedly brushed the offending drops away. She should have known better. She should have known that she couldn't have it both ways – that she could never, ever win.

Her stomach churned as the door to the closet opened and he emerged. Edward froze at the sight of her.

"Oh fuck," he said, moving immediately to her side. His hands cradled her face. "I'm sorry. I don't…I can't…Jesus."

"You have _no_ idea," she sobbed out. "I just – "

His lips silenced her, and again that strange feeling of absolute serenity flooded through her. Perhaps if she could just keep kissing him all the time, the confusion would stay away forever. The thought was appealing for all its impracticalities. As a tiny moan escaped him and her very bones turned into absolute mush, she thought that maybe somewhere beneath all the confusion he had brought into her life was the answer to the question she'd been asking herself for ages.

She whimpered as he pulled away, and he cradled her to his chest with a gentleness that took her off guard. His scent was comforting, and she let herself relax. He'd seemed so rash, so dangerous from the very first moment she'd encountered him, but – demanding though he might be – he'd shown a strange amount of care with how he treated her.

"We don't have to talk about anything, yet," he murmured. "I think we both need some time to figure out what the fuck is going on here."

"Yeah," she agreed.

"Have lunch with me tomorrow," he said, pulling away and forcing her to meet his gaze.

"I don't know," she hesitated, wishing his eyes didn't seem to understand so much.

"I don't either. All I know is that I can't come eat with you now, not after my grand experiment proved so successful."

"Grand experiment?" she asked, confused.

"It's a long story." He paused, his eyes alight with mischief. "I'll tell you at lunch tomorrow. It's a one hour window of opportunity. Take it or leave it."

She frowned. "That's not fair."

"I want you to eat lunch with me tomorrow," he said, completely unrepentant.

"And I want to eat lunch with you," she replied, realizing how true the words were as she spoke them.

"I'll save you a seat then," he smiled.

"It's more complicated than that, Edward, and you know it."

"So _un_complicate it."

"I wish I knew how to do that," she sighed.

"Look, Bella, I want you to eat lunch with me. And I want you to want to eat lunch with me, so I'm not going to pressure you. There will be more than enough room for you at my table. If you join me then you join me, and if you don't…I'm going to keep trying."

With that, he bent down and placed what could only be called on affectionate kiss on her forehead before climbing out the window. He'd pushed himself away and leapt to the ground before she could say anything else. She heard a dull thud and, gasping, hurried to lean outside and glance around. Relief rushed through her when she saw Edward's lithe form jogging toward the front of the house.

She stayed that way, half of her exposed to the elements, long after he'd disappeared from her sight. Only when the rain returned did she finally pull herself back inside the window. Though her room had dropped significantly in temperature, she couldn't bring herself to close it.


	6. Chapter Six: She Has a Very Bad Day

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish Stephenie Meyer didn't own them either.

**Chapter Six – She Has a Very Bad Day**

As the alarm on her nightstand began to screech its shrill wakeup call, Bella let out a deep groan. Exhaustion turned her arms into glue. Instead of giving the instrument of her annoyance a sound thump, she merely knocked it to the floor where it continued to let out its pitiful cries. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she sat up slowly. A yawn escaped her as she slid to the floor with a thud, grimacing as she fished her ancient clock out from underneath her bed.

"And so it begins," she muttered to herself, when she'd finally hit the tiny button that granted her silence.

It became more and more obvious as each minute ticked past that she was about to have the day from hell. After her alarm fiasco, the hot water heater wasn't working. She shivered through the fastest shower she'd ever taken and, when she was done, slipped and whacked her chin on the sink. Her favorite flannel was missing from her closet. Her moccasins had a hole in the toe, meaning the death of her favorite pair of shoes of all time.

Miraculously, she made it downstairs in one piece and thought her troubles were over until she opened the cupboard and discovered that not only was there no more oatmeal, but that Charlie had taken the last granola bar. A scream of frustration turned into a gasp of shock when she turned around.

The cherry on top of her morning of suck was Jasper, leaning against the back door and watching her.

"You scared me," she breathed, her hand still clutched to her chest.

"Sorry. Old habits die hard."

The obvious reference to the old times – the times when he came through that same back door every morning with one of his mother's muffins – made her stomach tighten.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, wishing she hadn't sounded quite so accusatory when she saw him frown.

"Your piece of crap truck is still in the shop, isn't it?"

She ignored his dig. "Is Alice putting on fifteen shades of eye shadow in the car?"

He laughed. He laughed and it was as amazing as she remembered. Sure, he'd laughed in her presence since their falling out, but never at something she'd said, and rarely with such obvious good humor. It put her on edge, her instincts making her want to hide away.

"No, Alice is putting on her fifteen shades of eye shadow at home. It's just me."

"Just you?" she asked.

"Yes," he said, raising his eyebrows at her.

"On your bike?" she squeaked.

"Yes,' he said again, and some of the malice was back in her smile.

"I can just walk since it's not raining," Bella said, stepping farther away from him.

"Nope. I'm under strict instructions to ferry you to school, and I'm not dealing with the shit storm that will occur if you show up twenty minutes after me and on foot."

"Oh." Her voice deadened as all the many kinds of tension she'd felt immediately deflated. "Alice sent you."

"Of course,' Jasper said with an eye roll. "Why else would I be here."

It was a stab to the chest. She'd known better than to fall for his act, but fall for it she had. Even as she'd tensed against it, hope had burrowed its way in only to laugh in her face again. The stress of dealing with him was exhausting. If she hadn't known that he was right – that Alice would never let either of them hear the end of it if they showed up separately – she would have gladly walked to campus just to avoid him.

"Ok, I'm ready then," she sighed.

"You didn't eat," he pointed out.

"I know."

"Have Lauren and Jessica been teasing you again?" he asked, his eyes narrowed in suspicion. He didn't come out and accuse her of anything, but she knew he was remembering the two days their seventh grade year when she didn't eat anything after her former playmates told her that she looked like a cow in her favorite jeans.

"No. And stop it. Stop pretending like you care. Let's just get to school and get this over with."

"Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

His voice was flippant, and she knew it was deliberate. She could see the anger in his eyes despite the casual smile he wore like a mask. If she'd been Alice, she would have hit him with her shoe. If she'd been Rosalie, she would have kneed him in the balls. If she'd been Edward, she would have said something cutting that would leave _him_ to lose his temper. But she was just Bella, and so she simply walked silently to gather her backpack and coat before heading outside.

"Here," he said roughly, thrusting his leather bomber and helmet into her arms.

"What?" she asked, confused.

"It's windy today. Your coat won't keep you warm."

Rather than deal with the additional explanations that would be required by more questions, she dropped her bag to the ground, kneeling to stuff her coat in it. She slid her arms into the sleeves of Jasper bomber, still warm from its proximity to him. With considerable effort, she avoided burying her nose into the collar and letting the scent that used to be so familiar wash over her. Trying to preserve the limited control she still had over herself, she jammed the helmet down over her hair.

Jasper was already on the bike, tapping his wrist in impatience. She put her backpack on before climbing onto the seat behind him. Her eyes slid shut as her arms encircled him, and her hands locked exactly over the taut muscles of his abdomen. A tiny sigh escaped her lips as his back pressed firmly against her chest. It almost sickened her to think of how relaxed and comfortable she felt in his arms, knowing that not ten minutes earlier he had gone out of his way to hurt her feelings.

A hand rested on her knee as he maneuvered the bike around, and she almost forgot every mean thing he'd ever said to her. Her grip became more firm as he released her to start the bike. Soon the sound of the engine filled her ears and the vibration of the engine made her hold him closer still.

The ride was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. She loved the excuse to be so close to him – Jasper on his bike was the essence of him – close beyond the fact that she was wrapped around him so tightly not even a breeze could pass through. But it was the obvious closeness that terrified her. Could he feel the hammering of her heart? Could he sense the nerves that were shaking her to her core? Could he tell that the tiny trembles were the result of something else entirely?

A cold wind rushed past, but his jacket kept her warm. Not that she was really conscious of anything besides the broad planes of his back and the strange sizzle that came when she held him so tightly. It felt strange to be so close to him after so long. Even stranger was the fact that he allowed it. The bike may have been his pride and joy, but it was not his only means of conveyance. He'd had options. Alice's demands aside, if he'd just driven his mother's car or even Rosalie's convertible, the current situation could have been avoided.

He'd wanted her arms wrapped around him. He'd wanted this – it was the only explanation. The question that she couldn't answer despite desperately wanting to was _why_. Why did he want it? The simplest and most logical explanation, and the one that most likely to be correct, was that he was torturing her. He knew how she felt; she hated that he knew, but he did. The idea of having to let him to let him go and hand him back to Alice with a smile was more hurtful than any verbal barb he could have thrown her way. It could also be revenge for Edward, for the previous day. That would factor into the torture idea quite well.

But somehow it didn't quite sit right. Maybe it was the eternal optimist Alice was always trying to bring out in her. Maybe it was the fact that – with regards to Jasper – she was just plain stupid. Maybe it was one of a million other options, but deep down Bella had a feeling that it had nothing to do with torturing _her_. It was so unlikely, but she couldn't help but hope that he wanted to be close to her as much as she wanted to be close to him. And that hurt too. The idea of him wanting and still rejecting her hurt so much that she knew she would rather torture as his motivation.

The bike slowed and her eyes opened just as Jasper began the turn into the school's parking lot. She immediately saw Alice, vibrant in a sunflower yellow dress, waving from their usual table. Without thinking, her eyes slid to her own parking space. There, parked as it had been yesterday, was the black Volvo, its owner leaning casually against the passenger door.

Seeing Edward made her whole body tense, insecurity washing over her. His eyes, so vibrant the night before, seemed darker. The eyeliner was gone, but the black clothes weren't, and the scowl on his face as he stared at her made her cringe. Jasper's hand slid to her knee, but this time it brought none of the stomach flutters or heart palpitations his earlier touch had. She felt dirty, plain and simple. There was something about Edward, she knew that, but she also knew that there was something about Jasper. She couldn't help but feel guilty as she avoided the eyes of the boy she'd spent last night kissing to clutch at the boy who'd spent the past year making her miserable.

As soon as Jasper cut the engine, she was back on firm ground in a split second. She ripped the helmet from her head and yanked her arms from the jacket sleeves, thrusting them both at him. She tried to avoid his eyes, but couldn't escape the confused annoyance on his face.

"I need to run to the library," she said, giving Alice a quick hug before practically sprinting away.

"What did you _do_ to her?" Bella heard Alice demand just before she disappeared around the corner.

She made it safely to the library, collapsing into a chair in the far corner barely hidden behind one of the few bookshelves despite the fact that the small room was mercifully empty. For the first time in ages, skipping class seemed incredibly appealing. As complicated as life had been before, it had been manageable. Unfortunately, she'd never been a particularly capable multi-tasker, and Edward was one task too many if she wanted to maintain her sanity.

Tears pooled in her eyes, but she refused to allow them to fall. It was worse than pathetic – she was no better than Jessica or Lauren or any of the other ridiculous girls if she based her entire self-worth on a boy. And she liked to think she didn't. She just wished she knew what it was about her and her worth that Jasper hated so damn much. Footsteps were approaching, and she was thankful the tears had vanished, especially when she glanced up.

"What the hell do you want from me?" Bella asked, her voice already strained from exhaustion.

"_I_ don't want anything from you," Jasper replied with a smirk.

"Then go away."

"Nope."

"Let me guess," she sighed, "Alice sent you to make up with me?"

"Why else would I be here?" he questioned, and those words – the same he'd used that morning – incensed her.

"Because you want to be," she snapped.

"But I don't."

"God, stop with the games!"

"I'm not playing games. And certainly not with you."

"I can't keep doing this, J, I just can't. What's the problem? You don't want me – you've made that abundantly clear – but no one else can have me either? Is that it? Well, screw that and screw you. I'm going to English."

Grabbing her backpack in a huff, she stalked away from him. He was right behind her, and she cursed their nearly identical schedules. A light mist began when she was halfway to her building, but her coat was still in her bag. She wanted to scream. She could feel the pressure building up inside of her and all she wanted to do was let it out. But she couldn't. Instead, she settled for throwing herself into her seat and refusing to look at Jasper when he came in.

Edward was watching her. Even though she hadn't turned to face him, she could feel his gaze like a heat lamp. She meant to just glance at him through her hair, but she caught his eye and couldn't just look away. When one eyelid dipped down in a wink, she very nearly smiled. Her desk gave a sharp jerk, but she refused to turn around. She did, however, stop looking at Edward.

For the next half hour, her page filled steadily with notes and her eyes locked on Mr. Mason's constantly moving form. She focused intently on any area in the room that did not contain Edward or Jasper. She didn't snap at the latter for jiggling his long legs against the back of her chair. Her reverie was only shattered by the end of the lecture.

"Now, since everyone is here today, I want you guys to find your partners and get to talking about the semester project. I'm passing around the assignment criteria and a suggested readings list. This will take up the rest of the period, but I'm going to be coming around to get your book choices, so don't think you can just dork around."

A quiet murmur began to grow as the papers were distributed and Bella sighed, turning her desk to face Edward's. He raised an eyebrow at her as he turned his own desk, rolling his eyes in Jasper's direction. She couldn't suppress a groan as she heard her former partner gather his things to move next to a very frightened looking Angela Weber.

"You know," she said, "you are directly responsible for the torture of one of the only genuinely nice people in this school."

"It isn't my fault he's an ass," Edward said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Oh, no, he'll be perfectly nice to Angela. That's not the problem. The problem is that she's going to be terrified of him anyway."

"Because I would have been so much less intimidating?"

"Please," she said, shaking her head with a laugh. "You don't actually scare anyone."

"Oh, I don't know," he said, reaching out to play with the thin, woven bracelet she wore, "I think I _terrify_ at least one person at this school."

For a second, all she could think about was his fingers touching her wrist, the feel of those same fingers tangled in her hair as his lips were pressed to hers. She was about to smile at him when she noticed that his attention was directed across the room, his smirk in response to the anger so visible on Jasper's face. She whipped her hands away from him, scooting her desk back.

"So what book are we doing?"

Surprised by the harshness of her tone, he turned to face her again. "I thought we'd discussed Nabokov."

"_You_ mentioned Nabokov. I mentioned Hemingway, and he's actually on the list."

"The list sucks," he said.

"Well, pardon me, Mr. Cullen. What, pray tell, did you have in mind?" Mr. Mason asked, pausing by their desks.

"_Lolita_," Edward answered without pause.

Mr. Mason actually laughed. "I admire your pluck, kid, but fat chance. It is certainly a well respected piece of literature, rightfully so, but I can't let you use it for this class."

"Fine. _Pale Fire."_

"No Nabokov, Edward. Final answer. Miss Swan, did you have any suggestions?"

"_A Moveable Feast."_

"No way," Edward countered with a glare. "I'm not reading Hemingway again."

"Then suggest something else," she responded icily.

"_Atlas Shrugged_."

"Are you _crazy_?" she demanded. "I do, in fact, have homework for other classes. I don't have time for that book!"

Mr. Mason smiled as he backed away. "It looks like you two are going to have a lot of fun. Keep at it and let me know what you decide."

"I'm _sorry_ if I'm a little more interested in stimulating my brain than your _last_ partner, but – "

"My _last_ partner and I did _Heart of Darkness_, so you can kiss my ass."

"How incredibly fitting."

"What is your _problem?_"

"What the hell do you _think_ my problem is?"

All her breath rushed out in a huff. "I needed a ride to school."

"Oh yes, that looked _all_ about necessity to me."

He threw himself back against his chair, arms crossed across his chest as his eyes smoldered at her. She opened her mouth to speak, but couldn't. Her fish-like expression only made him smirk.

"Told you so," he laughed, but it lacked all of the warmth of the previous evening

"_As I Lay Dying_."

"What?" he asked, sitting back up.

"Faulkner. We'll read _As I Lay Dying._"

"Fine."

"Fine."

Because it was the morning from hell, there were still ten minutes left of class – ten incredibly long, incredibly awkward minutes in which she twiddled her thumbs, stared at the clock and watched the seconds tick by. When the bell finally rang, she gathered her books without looking at Edward, moving from the room as quickly as possible before her bad luck could strike again.

"Bella, wait."

She whirled around, her eyes slit as she stared at Jasper's approaching figure and wondered how long she had to stand still before lightning struck her.

"No, I'm _not_ waiting. I don't want to hear it. All I want in this moment is to go back to sleep and start over. If you can't provide that for me, then please, for the love of your girlfriend – who, by the way, is my best friend and will withhold sex if I complain – leave me alone."

Edward's chuckle echoed out from behind her, but she didn't turn to acknowledge him. She didn't acknowledge anyone once she got to history, either. She barely talked to Alice in math. Luckily, her normally talkative friend didn't pester her – a sympathetic smile and a soft pat on the hand told Bella that she understood.

At lunch she ignored everyone and headed straight for the library for the second that day. Though her stomach was grumbling since she'd missed breakfast, she didn't even consider being in the cafeteria long enough to get a snack. Instead, she sat in her chair, staring at her book and wondering if she'd ever be able to read more than a page at a time again.

"Boo!"

She jumped in her chair, her hand clutched to her chest. "Crap, Emmett! Don't do that to me!"

"Dude, I'm fucking _huge,_" he winked. "I can't sneak up on anyone ever. Don't blame me for taking advantage of the perfect opportunity."

"What do you want?" she sighed.

"I needed a book."

She snickered.

"What?" he demanded. "It's not like I can't _read_, Swan."

"True. You just don't like to."

"No, I don't like reading that melancholy, melodramatic shit you are so obsessed with. I prefer to keep my life fun and interesting. Like Monty Python says…always look on the bright side – "

"If you're going to stand here and insult me, you can go join the line waiting in the cafeteria."

"I don't need your drama, thanks."

"I don't need it either," she grumbled.

"Please," Emmett chuckled. "Your drama is all you."

She scowled. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that Jasper's an idiot, but you're a bigger one."

"I don't – "

"Look, Bella, it isn't my place to tell you this…mostly because if Rosalie finds out then I'm going to be in the doghouse for – "

"Spare me, Emmett. We used to be friends. If your – "

"I know we were, and _sometimes_ I'm sorry we're not anymore. But I'm about to tell you a secret. A good one."

"So spill," she said when he showed no intent to continue.

"Do you remember that time in eighth grade when I pretended to ask you out so Rosalie would finally say yes to me?"

She couldn't help but laugh. "Yeah. That was pretty much the end of Rose acknowledging my existence. It was the dumbest idea you ever had."

"I know," he sighed. "But for reasons besides just Rose."

"You mean because we can't be friends anymore?"

He grimaced. "Besides that, too. Remember how I missed three days of school after?"

"Yeah. Everyone said you and Rose were home having ridiculous amounts of sex."

"If only that were true," he said, smiling. "I was recuperating."

"Recuperating? From what?"

"An ass-kicking."

"Who the hell managed to kick _your_ ass?"

"Jasper."

"_Jasper_?"

"Yes. He fights dirty. Whodathunk?" he asked with a rueful smile.

"But why would he start a fight with you over messing with Rosalie's head? They've never gotten along!"

"It wasn't about Rosalie," Emmett said, staring at her.

"But – "

"God, you are the dumbest smart kid I know. He kicked my ass for asking you out."

"But you didn't mean it!"

"He is the second dumbest smart kid I know."

"So what did he do?" she asked, her heart pumping adrenaline through her.

"He told me I was a son of a bitch, launched himself at me. Then, once he'd inflicted a black eye and a bloody nose, told me to stay the fuck away from you."

"You're lying," she whispered.

"When have I ever lied to you?"

"That time with the worms in the can and – "

"Ok, smartass. I'm not lying to you _now_. Me telling you this benefits no one. Certainly not my reputation or relationship. Definitely not Alice. Jasper would kick my ass again if he knew I told you. And really, not you either. I just thought that you should know. He's the biggest douche I know, but maybe he didn't start this."

"Why did you – "

"I don't know. I really don't. Because he used to be my friend and you hurt him? Because you used to be my friend and he's hurting you now? Because this school needs some excitement and new kid didn't have a shot with you unless you knew? I'm a pretty simple guy most of the time, but something about you makes things get ridiculously complicated."

"I hate you right now."

"You've never hated me, Bells."

"I came close with the worms."

Emmett smiled. It was broad and open and so incredibly like Emmett – and so incredibly different than Jasper or Edward – that she couldn't help but relax.

"I've missed you, Em."

"Well, I haven't missed you at all," he said, still grinning.

"I forgot how busy and important you are now," she replied.

"Damn straight. Speaking of that, I have to go. Lunch is almost over and if I don't eat something soon I can't be held responsible for my actions."

"Are you _ever_ held responsible for your actions?" she asked incredulously.

"Nope," he laughed. "Smell ya later, Swan. Tell your dad I salute him."

"Smell ya later?" she called to his retreating back.

He thrust his middle finger into the air just before he disappeared out the door. As she settled back into the silence, she replayed the entire conversation in her head. She hadn't thought it possible, but she felt like an even bigger idiot than she had before. Without Emmett there to lighten the mood, the true weight of what he'd told her was a burden on her mind. She sighed.

The bell rang and she buried her face in her hands. Biology was next, and that meant Edward. The coward in her wanted to run, to hide away in the library until her day came to a merciful end. But she couldn't be that Bella anymore. Emmett was right: everything she touched turned complicated in a hot second because she was too afraid to uncomplicated it. Her fight with Edward was her fault, and she was going to stand up and admit it.


	7. Chapter Seven: She Spills Her Guts

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish SM didn't own them either.

_**Chapter Seven – She Spills Her Guts**_

Bella grabbed her bag as she prepared to rush from the library. She wasn't quite sure what her plan was, but there was no time to worry about that. All she could think of was getting to biology. She moved faster than she had in ages and managed not to fall down on the way, though a shallow puddle almost did her in. The biology classroom came into sight just as she rounded the corner. Her fingers ran through her hair as she contemplated what to do next. A quick peek in the room showed that only a few students had arrived.

For a second, she moved to enter and head toward her seat. A moment of revelation struck, and she moved to the side of the building so that she could see people approach but no one could see her. The warning bell rang and, still no Edward in sight, she started to worry that he wasn't going to show. Just as she was getting ready to step out from her hiding place, she saw a now familiar thatch of bronze hair approaching. A peek around the corner told her that no one else was coming, so she hurried across the lawn to intercept him.

"Come with me," she said, grabbing his arm as she kept walking.

"No problem. But you're going the wrong way," he pointed out with a confused frown.

"I know that. We're not going to class," she said, dragging him toward the parking lot.

"So where _are_ we going?" he asked, pulling her to a stop and staring at her.

Her cheeks flamed under his searching eyes. "Well, first we're going to your car. Then we're going to leave campus."

"I suppose that's good enough for now," he conceded, sliding an arm around her waist as they started walking again. "Won't we get in trouble?"

"Please. This is a small town. My dad is chief of police of a force of four. There's no budget for a truancy squad."

"Yes, but it's still a small town. Someone could see. Someone could tell."

They'd reached the Volvo, and Bella just smiled up at him as she slid into the passenger seat. She waited for him to walk around and climb in the car. The engine started with a quiet purr, and she was momentarily distracted as she watched him competently maneuver the stick shift.

"Well?" he asked, as they reached the exit.

"Left," she said simply, relaxing into the black leather. "It's already warm in here."

"That's what happens when your car was manufactured post-stone age. Are you going to answer my question?"

"If you're really worried, then yes."

"I really am. I'm already in trouble with my dad for a bad first impression."

"Why would your dad care?" she asked, turning to look at him.

He sighed. "Because my mom loves it here. She's wanted to get out of the city for ages. They're thinking about staying."

"Seriously?" she asked, her nose wrinkling in distaste.

"Seriously. Now quit distracting me."

"Well, we're not going to be in town so no one is going to see us to tell. My dad will likely be down by the coast or in La Push for lunch, so he won't see us either."

"What about the school?"

"What about it?"

"Won't they call our parents."

She just stared at him. "No…"

"The school doesn't call your parents if you miss?"

"Nope. I'll go tell Ms. Cope that I got sick and you drove me home tomorrow morning."

"Have I died? Is this heaven?" he wondered, clearly still confused.

Bella laughed, smiling brightly at him. "I wouldn't go _that_ far. Still, there are certainly perks to small town life. You'll get the benefit of the doubt because I _never_ skip. If it were Emmett, he'd be screwed."

"He's the one with the blonde, right?"

"Yeah, that's Rosalie." She paused. "She's Jasper's older sister."

Edward snorted. "I can see the resemblance."

"They do look a lot alike. They used to be mistaken for twins when they were younger," she replied, willfully ignoring the true intent of his words.

"That's not what I meant," he corrected with a glare.

She sighed. "I know that. But it's not time to talk about that. We'll talk about that when we get there."

"About that. Where exactly _is_ there?"

"You'll see," she said, staring at the green landscape blurring past as Edward sped down 101 heading east.

"Can I have a hint at least?" he asked, batting his eyes at her.

"It's one of my favorite places," she smiled. "And no more questions about our destination. You'll see when we get there."

"Can I ask _why_ we're going at least?"

"You know why we're going," she replied. "I want to talk to you. There are things to discuss."

"And apologies to give."

She scowled before she could help it. "Yes, apologies to give."

Edward's hand reached toward her from its perch on the gearshift. His fingers interlaced with hers on the seat, his thumb moving reassuringly over her palm with a feathery light touch.

"I meant me apologizing to you," he said, watching her out of the corner of his eye.

"But – "

"I'm sorry for English," he continued as if she hadn't spoken. "I was a total asshole. Seriously. I was peeing all over you and it was wrong of me."

"Peeing all over me?" she asked, raising her brows.

"Yeah, you know…marking my territory."

"So I'm your territory?"

"With any luck," he replied, squeezing her hand and never moving his eyes from the road.

A sense of calm enveloped Bella. It would have been perfectly reasonable for fear to be her first response to a statement like that, but she felt none of it. The same sense of absolute _right_ that she'd sensed when she first decided to man up and apologize soothed her again. Once she got home she would deal with the anxiety and the nerves again. For now, she sunk into the feeling of peace like a warm bath. Her eyes fluttered close so that she could focus on the feeling of Edward's cool fingers next to hers.

He cleared his throat.

"You know," he said gently, "it will be very difficult for you to tell me where I'm going with your eyes closed."

"In about five minutes you're going to see a lake," she spoke, hey eyes still shut. "Watch out for the brown sign that will point you toward the lodge. Turn left and then make another left at the stop sign."

"Lake Crescent, right?"

"Mmhmm," she sighed.

"My parents stopped here for lunch on our way into Forks. They have the weirdest pea soup I've ever eaten in my life."

"But they have the best fish and chips ever," she countered. "Fancy foods are funny foods most of the time."

His rich laugh filled the car, and a smile stole its way onto her lips. Bella kept her eyes closed until she felt the car slowing. Her heart fluttered when Edward didn't release her hand. Instead, he sandwiched it between the warm leather of the shifter and his own. As the gears shifted, she felt the power of the engine vibrating through her and sensed the absolute control he had over it.

"Can you drive stick?" he asked.

Without being able to stop herself she giggled.

"Mind out of the gutter, Swan," he teased shaking his head. "Seriously, though."

"Nope," she replied. "To be honest, I'm not a very good driver in general."

"Somehow, I can see that about you," he said lightly as he pulled into a parking space facing the lake.

Bella didn't question him about his meaning – she didn't have to. He just _got_ her. She didn't know how or why, she just knew that he did. It should have been obvious to her the first day. How he knew that, amid a crowd of people, singling her out would get her attention – how he knew that she wasn't a person people paid much attention to anyway. How he'd known that giving her an excuse to stand up to Jasper was the surest way to win her friendship. And, of course, how he'd known that sitting outside her window for an hour in the rain was the best possible way to make himself unforgettable to her.

It was hard to not feel self-absorbed or vain at those realizations. Because that was all Edward had done – paid attention to her when so few other people ever had. Fought for her when that had _never_ happened. Well, never that she knew of. The image of Jasper embroiled in battle with Emmett drifted across her mind, and she shook her head to rid herself of it.

Edward was suddenly opening her door, and she looked up at him in a daze.

"I didn't even notice you got out of the car," she said.

"I know," he replied, offering her his hand as he helped her out.

"I – "

"I know," he interrupted.

Her face flamed in guilt and embarrassment. If she could have a procedure done that would cut Jasper out of her – no, it was no good. She knew she'd never do it. For all the pain and heartache he'd caused her in her life, he'd given her just as much joy. The only procedure that was needed was one to cut out the cancerous growth that had invaded the personality of the boy who'd been her friend and turned him into the thing he'd become.

"Where exactly were you planning on taking me?" he asked when they reached the outside of the lodge.

"Come on," she said, pulling him down the long dock that jutted out into the glittering waves, a thousand different shades of blue twinkling even under the overcast sky.

Edward's arm slid around her waist and held her tightly to his side, protectively restricting her to the thin path that went directly down the very center of the dock.

"I come here all the time," she reassured him as they reached the two-person bench at the end.

As soon as they sat down, she reached into the pocket or her coat for something to keep her hair in place. With an annoyed sigh she found them empty, settling instead to grab her now tangled mane and shove it down the back of her shirt.

"It's kind of windy," he said, tucking a stray lock behind her ear.

All Bella could do was stare at him. The wind buffeted his bronze hair wildly around his face. The green of his eyes was enhanced by the cold-induced pallor of his cheeks, and his lips seemed to be getting redder rather than the dull purple she knew hers would soon fade to.

"I've had a thing for Jasper since I was little," she blurted out suddenly, compelled to honesty by the intensity of his look.

He didn't say anything, but he didn't look away either. His arm flung itself around her shoulders, sending a reassuring warmth through Bella.

"We used to be best friends," she said, turning to stare out over the water. The churning waves set against the backdrop of the mountains and mist was calming to her. She would have preferred the untamed, incomparable beauty of the ocean, but Lake Crescent was the next best thing when she needed to avoid Charlie.

"He practically lived at my house. We did _everything_ together. He read my novels and I read his histories. I watched his cartoons and he watched mine. No," she said, squaring her shoulders. "We watched _our_ cartoons. Because everything was ours. We shared everything. When my mom…"

She trailed off, inhaling sharply through her nose as she willed the tears to stay away. When she was sure they would, she opened her mouth to speak again.

"When my mom left…when I just woke up one morning and she was _gone_…Jasper was there crying along with me. When Rosalie told everyone that he slept with a night light, we put her hand into a dish of warm water at her slumber party _together._ We were everything."

"What changed?" Edward asked, and she could tell he was intrigued in spite of himself.

"I don't know," she replied. "But on day something just switched. Something in _him_ switched."

"And what happened?"

"It killed me. It killed me and I panicked. One day, he shows up and tells me he has a crush on Alice. I was so shocked…I mean, we were so young but he was so _serious_ all the time and…I'd never…he _never_…I was just surprised."

"Sometimes those realizations are just that way" he whispered, pulling me tighter to his side and drawing my head to his shoulder.

"I remember the horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. I thought I was going to throw up, though now I realize it was just the crazy surge of adrenaline I felt. Jasper was mine, I was his…the thought that the world would exist in any other form was terrifying."

"But it does."

"It does," she agreed. "And so when he asked me to talk to Alice I just…I didn't. I didn't mention it to her, even though I thought she maybe had a crush on him – _because_ I thought she maybe had a crush on him. I told Jasper that she just liked him as a friend, that she didn't _like_ him like him."

"Well, obviously someone found out you lied."

"No shit," she said wryly, rolling her eyes even though he couldn't see.

"And then?"

"And then, maybe like four months later, I went over to Alice's one day. As close as Jasper and I always were, Alice and I were almost the same. I felt at home in her house. Her parents, they're these crazy trust fund babies who gave it all up for the sake if their _art_, they're gone a lot and so we used to just hang out there all the time. I never knocked. Ever."

"Oh God," Edward whispered, and she knew that he knew where the story was headed.

"I walked in like I always did, but I was reading and so I didn't say anything. I was about to round the corner when I heard…"

"You don't have to say it," he whispered, pulling her to his chest.

"Thanks," she whispered before continuing. "I couldn't help it. I peeked around the corner and there he was, looking right at me with this cold smile on his face. I…I couldn't move. I just _stood _there and watched for god knows how long."

"Probably like two minutes," Edward said under his breath and Bella felt herself relaxing some at his joke.

"He just kept _watching_ me standing there until I finally snapped. I ran, like a coward, straight home. I faked the flu for three days. It was awful. I couldn't believe he'd done that. I knew Alice…something had to have been going on for a while for her to have agreed to that and…"

"It wasn't just his fault, you know," he said hesitantly, running his fingers through her hair in an obvious attempt to lessen the blow he thought he was about to inflict.

"It was mine too," she acknowledged.

"No, it wasn't. It was Alice's."

"No!" Bella argued, pulling away from him. "I mean, I knew she had a thing for Jasper and I knew he – "

"You guys are..." he trailed off, suddenly unsure of his words.

"Seriously fucked up?" she asked.

"I didn't say that."

"Why not? It's the truth."

"All I'm saying is that anyone with half a brain can see that you think that you're in love with Jasper. She should have known. She _had_ to know, Bella."

"But – "

"Jesus, I can't believe you don't _hate_ her for what she did to you. I would."

"I can't," she sighed. "I can't, because Alice _should_ be with Jasper. They're so good together. She makes him so happy. She's the only one he's ever _really_ listened to."

"How can you just know that, though?" he asked, and she thought she saw a hint of a smile.

"How can you _not_?" she asked incredulously. "With…I mean, you and…We…"

"I hate him for what he did to you. What he's still doing."

"I let him. I let him do it because I – "

"You _don't_ deserve this, Bella. And he isn't doing it to punish you."

"Edward – "

"Just shut up for a second and let me talk, because the longer I look at you the less saying this seems like a good idea."

He took a deep breath, staring out for a long moment at the fingers of light reaching toward the water as a hint of sunlight fought its way through the clouds. His face was smooth, and not until he reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose did he give away the strain that she'd known him to be under all along.

"Jasper is a total ass to you because he pretty much thinks you spurned him. He thinks he's in love with you, too."

Bella froze, breathing in with a shocked gasp. "Edward – "

"It's true," he said in a dead voice. "I've been trying to decide what to do about him since that morning at your locker because it's so obvious what's going on. It really is. I mean, I'm smart and all, but it doesn't take a genius to see what you two think…"

"I know. Believe me, I know. And I've _tried_. But it's like…I can't stop. I can't make it go away because the what-if part of my brain just murders me with possibilities."

"What if I helped you forget. What if you were my girlfriend?"

"What if _what_?" she whispered, stunned by the sudden change in the direction of their conversation.

"Look, you have issues. You have more issues than the people in my last school _combined_. But I don't care. I'm developing a pretty major thing for you here, Bella. And I know you feel the same thing, because you never would have told me all of this otherwise."

"But, Edward, I lo- "

"You don't. You _can't_ because you aren't supposed to."

"That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. When has anyone _ever_ fallen in love with someone because they were _supposed_ to?"

"Smart people do. How can you _not_ know that this is how it is?"

"So now you're going to be a jerk? Because I expressed some _doubt_?"

"I'm not being a jerk," he said, standing suddenly and turning to face her.

"Oh really?" she demanded, but her voice carried none of the heated anger she felt. Seeing him standing there, intensely pale against the reflective gray of the dissipating cloud cover, his bronze hair just barely glinting in the tiny glimmer of sunlight that made its way through the haze, almost took the wind out of her. Still, she refused to let herself be distracted. "I've told you, I'm messed up, Edward. I can't help it if I'm not completely ready to just leap into anything."

"Stop hiding behind Jasper, Bella. Just _stop_. You're completely ready to leap into something…just not with me. Be fucking honest for _once_ in your life."

"Me?" she asked, her face mocking as she dipped her head back and laughed deeply. "That's fantastic. You, with your stupid fake guy-liner and cowardly dye job, are going to lecture _me_ about being honest?"

"It isn't cowardly!"

"Oh it _so_ is! You couldn't even dye all of your hair black! You did just enough to make a difference but not enough to prevent you from easily undoing it. You _aren't_ a black nail polish kind of kid. You just _aren't_. But here you are, all weird clothes and – "

"Oh yes. Your best friend spends half her life trumped up like a peacock and my clothes are weird? For the record, my clothing is pretty much the same as it's always been."

"Whatever," she scowled, waving her hand dismissively at his attack on Alice. "Your entire personality here is a lie. What? You thought we were small town morons who would fall for your act?"

"Well, everyone did. And the clothes were just a deterrent," he grumbled.

"A deterrent from what? Fitting in?"

"Yes," he said simply, and the ease with which he admitted this floored her.

"Excuse me?"

"I didn't want to fit in. I didn't want to become attached to _anybody_ here. At _all_. So when my dad promised me a new car when we moved I got the newest version of mine in black. I went to Safeway and bought black nail polish and hair dye and eyeliner. I added to my collection of black clothing. And I practiced scowling in front of a mirror. I didn't _want_ to make friends!"

"And that's why you were such a douche to Alice," she whispered in realization.

"Yes. Because if I was weird to the person people thought I would fit in with, they'd all think I was an asshole and just leave me the hell alone."

"And the eyeliner and the dye?"

"Small town people don't like goth kids," he shrugged. "I figured I'd avoid most of the new kid mystique if I got written off as a freak right away."

"You are the dumbest person – besides me – that I know."

He snorted, and Bella could tell he was trying not to laugh.

"I'm serious. You made yourself a _legend_. Everyone knew who you were. If you'd picked a small group of kids you would have had to deal with them, but that would have been it."

"It didn't matter. I screwed my whole plan anyway."

"Why?" she asked, glad he'd spared her from having to bring it up. "Why did you do it? Why did you talk to me?"

"I couldn't not," he said with a sigh, jamming his hands in his pocket, walking back to the bench and collapsing at her side. "Part of me wishes I never had…that you hadn't been sitting there with that damn _smirk_ on your face while you watched me blow them all off. That you hadn't cringed when you watched Alice just fundamentally not get it. Because if you'd been like the rest of them – "

"I _am_ like the rest of them."

"You aren't."

"These people have been my friends my whole life, Edward."

"Some fucking friends," he sneered.

"Don't," she pleaded.

"You _aren't_ like them, Bella. All I had to do was look at you and I could see that. Alice was dressed like a clown, Jasper is a Ponyboy-wannabe, and the rest of the school…but there you were in your worn out little moccasins and your cardigan and your hair all in your face with a book in your hand and that fucking _smile_..."

"Just because I don't look like them doesn't mean I'm not."

"I know that, but to me it was the first sign. Sitting with these people who clearly thought they were so far above the rest of the school – "

"Would you stop with your insane labeling? Alice dresses like the only mirror she owns belongs in a funhouse, I'll give you that, but she does it because it's what she likes. She makes all her own clothes. Every piece. Her ridiculous wardrobe aside, she is the most approachable person at that school. She'll talk to anyone, and _not_ because she wants to be popular. It's just how she is. If she wanted to be popular she would've bowed down to Rosalie ages ago…but she doesn't. And Jasper – "

"You're not seriously going to argue with me about _him_ are you?"

"I brought you out here so that we could _quit_ arguing," she snapped.

She moved to get off the bench but Edward grabbed her hand, pulling her down into his lap. His grip was firm until he was sure she wouldn't move and then his hands slid slowly up her arms, across her shoulders, up her neck, and finally took a gentle hold of her face. Their eyes locked and they both let out simultaneous sighs. Bella found her head buried in Edward's chest as his arms wrapped securely around her.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I really am. I just…everything is so complicated. I really ought to try to figure some stuff out before I agree to anything. It wouldn't be fair to you otherwise."

"I'm sorry too, and I really don't care about it being fair to me or not."

"I…I want you, Edward. But I want him too. Maybe that makes me the biggest idiot alive, but I can't just stop _wanting_ him. Would you really be ok with that?"

"No, I wouldn't."

She wanted to answer, but he prevented it by tilting her chin up and pressing his lips to hers, not bothering to wait for permission. It wouldn't have mattered if he had – she would have given it to him. Selfish or not, she needed the reassurance and comfort that his kiss could provide. Her whole body relaxed against his. Edward's hands were firm on her back, but she could feel the slightest sense of desperation in the strength of his grip, the only sign he gave away of how much these moments meant to him.

When he finally pulled away, Bella felt completely soothed. She knew it should have been a sign, but, sign or not, she'd meant what she'd said. For as much as she knew she wanted Edward, needed him even, she wanted Jasper just as much.

"Come on, I'll drive you home," he said, sliding her off his lap and back to the seat next to him.

"Can we stay, just a little longer?" she asked, staring out at the water.

"Won't people start to show up soon?"

"Does it matter?"

"No," he said, pulling her back to his side at once.

The water was still rough and the sunlight had slipped back behind the clouds, but it was peaceful. An eagle flew back and forth in the distance, hopping from tree to tree, and a family of ducks ambled along the docks edge. The serenity of her surroundings embraced Bella, and she once again let herself forget.

"Thanks for bringing me here," Edward whispered, interrupting the moment.

Bella found that she didn't care at all. "Thank you for letting me."


	8. Chapter Eight: She Takes a Baby Step

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish SM didn't own them either.

_**Chapter Eight – She Takes a Baby Step**_

The next morning, her truck was back in the driveway when she woke up, and Bella had never been happier to see it. As she climbed into the cab and inhaled the familiar smell of worn leather and cloves, she could have cried in joy. It was ridiculous to be so excited over something as broken down as her truck, but it was _her _truck, and it meant no more confusing rides with Jasper, no more annoyingly loud jam sessions with Alice, and no more hurt looks from Edward.

It also meant she didn't need to come up with an excuse for where she'd gone if she wasn't there after school. Alice had left a message for her with Charlie and acted nonchalant when Bella returned the call. Still, she knew her best friend and she knew she was dying to know where she'd been and who she'd gone with. She also knew her former best friend, and he was smart enough to puzzle out the answer to both of those questions.

Bella rumbled into the parking lot fifteen minutes earlier than usual, parking in her usual spot before heading toward the attendance office. The breeze was crisp and cool as it blew across her face, the smell of impending rain lingering in its wake. The scent was refreshing, and the promise of a clean start was enough to keep her good mood intact all the way to Mrs. Cope's desk.

"Bella! You feeling ok, honey?"

"Yes ma'am," she replied, biting her lips. "I'm afraid I missed some classes yesterday. I must have eaten something funny."

"Oh, sweetie. Sure you shouldn't be home resting?"

"I don't want to miss anymore class than I have to," Bella replied with a half smile, inwardly berating herself for taking advantage of Mrs. Cope's good nature. "If I feel bad again, I'll go home."

"Of course."

"Oh, I almost forgot. My truck's been in the shop, so Edward Cullen gave me a ride home. He was walking with me to – "

"How thoughtful of him." Mrs. Cope gave her a genuine smile before whispering conspiratorially. "I hear he's a real looker."

A blush lit up her face before Bella could stop it. "It was awfully nice of him to drive me home. I just don't want him to get into any kind of trouble. He was just trying to be nice and he's new and all and…"

"Don't you fret, pet! I'm taking care of it right now. You come see me first if you have to leave again today, all right?"

"Thank you, Mrs. Cope."

As she stepped out the door, she saw Alice's vibrant figure leaning against Jasper's tall one near the front door. Bella began moving in their direction but hesitated when she saw the black Volvo pull into the lot right by her side. Without being able to help it, she paused, turning to watch it pause by her truck. A broad smile stretched across her face as she watched Edward take the parking space three spots down from her. She stood waiting, watching him park seamlessly and climb out into the windy gray. His eyes were already on her, a crooked grin taking all the heat out of the glare he was trying to send. With a laugh, she waved, waiting for him make his way over to her.

"Are we off the hook?" he asked.

"Well, hello to you too."

Edward rolled his eyes, and Bella noticed that the guy-liner was again missing. As stupid as she thought it was, she couldn't help but missing it – now she had nothing to distract herself from the way his look made her insides feel like goo. Instead, she focused on his wardrobe, taking in his ratty blue and black flannel and dark wash jeans. He still wore the skull and chain shoes from the first day, but he seemed a little less scary…a little more himself.

"Earth to Bella," he said, waving his hands in front of her face.

"Um, sorry," she stammered, taking in the chipping black polish still on his fingers. "What were we talking about?"

"You were mocking me for not saying hello," he replied.

"Right, well…you should say hello. And we're off the hook. I _told_ you it'd be fine."

"What were you thinking?"

"Nothing," she replied.

"Come on. Please?" he asked, turning to face her, his hands on her shoulders as he dropped down to her eye level grinning.

"Your clothes are different," she said, glancing over him to see a huge group staring at them.

Her face flamed, and she knew he had to notice it, but aside from a slight tensing of his fingers he gave no indication that he knew her attention was elsewhere. "They aren't. I told you that I didn't really change my wardrobe."

"I just…" she paused, trying to focus on the green of his eyes and not the death glares coming from across the courtyard. "I didn't figure you for a scruffy look, I guess."

"So what…I'm a boring beige and weird cream colored turtlenecks sort of guy?"

Bella laughed. "Definitely not," she said. "At least, you better not be."

"It wouldn't matter, you'd like me anyway. Come on, I'll walk you to English."

As his arm slid around her waist and she felt the softness of his flannel on the tiny sliver of exposed skin on her back, she couldn't help but tense. Immediately, he started moving away from her, but she quickly grabbed his hand to stop him.

"No," she whispered quickly, before reason could weasel its way into her thoughts. "Don't stop."

Edward gripped her waist more firmly, but didn't say anything else. They walked in silence to English, and Bella didn't look up from the ground the whole time. She hated herself for not being able to just throw herself into the walk, but she just couldn't. There was too much still there. Too much baggage to walk forward unencumbered. The only question was how to dump it all…how to get rid of it.

When they arrived at the classroom, they separated. Bella sensed Edward's reluctance to let her go, and a tiny shiver trembled through her as his fingers trailed across his skin. She shot him a look and found him grinning, so she knew he'd done it on purpose. Sliding across the hard plastic of the chair, she immediately missed his warmth. He winked at her from his seat across the aisle and she stuck her tongue out at him. Even the sight of Jasper, tall and imposing as he paused in the doorway, wasn't enough to erase her good mood.

Maybe ditching her burdens _wouldn't _be as hard as she thought.

Maybe _Edward_ was the answer she'd been looking for.

Maybe it _was_ going to be as easy as she'd always wished it would be.

A light tug on her hair told her that no, it was _never_ going to be as easy as she wished it would be. For a second, she hesitated. If she ignored Jasper, it _could_ be, at the very least, easi_er_. But she couldn't. As aware as she was of the pull she felt toward Edward, that happy feeling that swept over her when she saw him and that tiny tug that drew her to him, she was perhaps even _more_ aware of the pulsing presence of her former best friend radiating out from behind her.

There was another tug, and this time it was more insistent. Bella turned around, but it was out of annoyance rather than desire. Jasper had the decency to not look entirely smug.

"What?" she whispered.

"Alice is looking for you."

She just stared at him. "That is the single dumbest thing I've ever heard. She saw exactly where I was. She knows where my first class is."

"You know – "

"Do we have to talk about this _now_?" she asked, glancing meaningfully around the almost full classroom.

"Fine," he grumbled, hitting his chair with a quiet thud as he slid down in his seat.

The sudden silence that descended over the class told her that class was about to begin, forcing Bella to turn back to the front. As she watched Mr. Mason begin scribbling keywords for the day's discussion on the chalkboard, she contemplated the shocking ease with which she'd caused Jasper to back down. For the rest of the never-endingly long period, she thought about it. Edward must have sensed her distraction, because the smiles he flashed her were reassuring.

When class finally, mercifully ended, Edward was immediately by her side again. He walked her to the door, helped her back into her jacket, and slid his arm around her waist once more. She could feel Jasper's eyes on her back, but the reassuring pressure of Edward's hand was like a shield to the fear she normally would have felt.

They trooped into Miss Robbins' room just as the rain began, and Bella took her seat, surreptitiously sliding a novel between her textbook's cover. She almost felt bad. Miss Robbins was pretty much the most genuinely sweet teacher Bella had ever met, but her lectures were painfully dull. Most of the class was engaged in some form of distraction. Edward had a piece of paper he was doodling little squiggles on, though it was difficult to make them out from across the room. Jasper, too, had a book tucked between the cover of his text, and she couldn't help but smile knowing that it was probably a history of some kind anyway. He caught her eye, and she immediately looked away.

When the bell rang again, she looked up, startled. Her book had proven incredibly effective, distracting her so thoroughly she'd almost forgotten she was in class. Again, Edward waited by the door, and, again, she slid her jacket on and let him guide her to their next class.

Alice was waiting outside the door to their math class. She looked positively _normal_ for a change, sporting skinny jeans and boots, a t-shirt splattered in feathers, sequins, and glitter, and her favorite leather jacket. Bella couldn't help but grin as she watched a brilliant smile overpower Alice's delicate features as she bobbed up and down on the balls of her feet in eager anticipation.

"I hope you realize the agony I'm going to have to endure now," Bella sighed, glancing up at Edward's amused expression.

"She _does_ seem awfully excited."

"That's because she _is_."

"Of course," Edward chuckled as they reached the door. "She's all yours," he said to Alice, relinquishing Bella to her best friend before she had a chance to question him about his previous comment.

Alice looped her arm through Bella's and positively tugged her back to their desk. They got situated just in time to watch Jasper stop and stare at his desk in disgust. Alice buried her face in her hands to mask her giggles, earning her a glare. Bella, however, merely frowned.

Edward was clearly going out of his way not to antagonize Jasper. It was obvious before school that he was trying to keep his focus entirely on her. In English, he didn't make a single snide remark about her whispered conversation. But now, sitting at the desk in front of her as Jasper looked suspiciously between them, she couldn't help but notice that he was looking more than a little smug. The sympathy she felt for Jasper left her, as always, a little disgusted with herself.

Hadn't he _always_ gone out of his way to subtly rub in the fact that he was with Alice?

Hadn't he _always_ made it clear that he had absolutely _no_ interest in her?

She stubbornly told herself that the answer to both of those questions was an emphatic _YES!_, but the answer no longer seemed definite. As Mr. Varner began his lecture, Bella began putting the pieces together in her head. There was the very fact that he always managed to look at her when he and Alice were together, the way he'd touched her hand on Edward's first day, and the note he'd written her. There was his reaction to Edward and his general possessiveness. There was the motorcycle incident and the buildup to it. And then, there were her conversations with Emmett and Edward. And that was all in the last _week_.

"Earth to Miss _Swan_."

Bella jumped in her seat. "Um, what?"

"I will give the entire class an A on the final if you can tell me what I just said," Mr. Varner explained, standing over her.

"Something about math?" she questioned, eliciting snickers from her friends and groans from her naïvely hopeful classmates.

"This is the second class in a row you haven't been paying attention, Bella. You know what the third time means," Mr. Varner warned.

"Another opportunity for you to try to embarrass a student?" Jasper offered.

"Excuse me, Mr. Hale?"

"Oh, I think you heard me just about right the first time," Jasper replied, the barest hint of a smirk forming as he relaxed in his chair.

Alice elbowed Bella in the ribs, a confused crinkle forming between her perfectly manicured eyebrows. Bella could only shrug, too dumbfounded to say anything. Even Edward had joined in the shocked glances of the rest of the class.

"I expect an apology. Immediately. Or else – "

"Or else you'll send me to the principal?" Jasper asked in mock innocence.

Alice choked on a giggle. Other muffled gasps and snickers sounded from around the room. Edward was rolling his eyes, but Bella just stared at the back of the blonde head in front of her. With one comment, Jasper had completely deflected Mr. Varner's attention from her and sacrificed himself. All she could think was that if the now fuming mad teacher didn't throttle him, _she_ would.

"No," Mr. Varner laughed. "Contrary to your apparent belief, I am a creative disciplinarian. You'll apologize, or the entire class will be assigned fifty vector problems which must be turned in to me by tomorrow. For a test grade."

The snickering immediately ceased as everyone focused their angry glares on Jasper. Bella couldn't help but be impressed. Mr. Varner only gave three tests a semester, including the final, so they took up almost the entirety of everyone's final grade. Jasper, of course, always got an A.

"Which fifty problems?" he asked.

Mr. Varner's whole body tensed. "Chapter Thirteen. Problem sets A through D."

"But sir!" Lauren Mallory whined. "We haven't even _started_ that chapter!"

"Well, class ends in five minutes. If Mr. Hale apologizes to me before the end of the period, all will be forgiven."

Silence rang in Bella's ears, interrupted only by Jasper's amused snort.

"I hardly consider this fair, sir" Edward said after two minutes had passed. "You're playing chicken with everyone's grades. That's a flagrant disregard – "

"_I'm_ the law in this classroom, kid."

"Great," Edward replied. "Since you're the law, you'll have absolutely no problem speaking with my father's attorneys – or my father for that matter – regarding why the smart mouth of one asshole is letting you play Russian Roulette with the grades of a bunch of juniors who are about to have to apply to college. Because I'm pretty sure that's gotta be a violation of some sort of state regulation or _something_."

Mr. Varner faltered. "I could use a six month paid leave," he finally said with a contrived eye roll.

"Or you could use a six month struggle of trying to find a new job, only to fail because termination for harassment of students doesn't look so hot on your resume and so you have to give up and flip burgers."

"Mr. Cullen – "

Hushed whispers were breaking out in the class as every single pair of eyes in the room alternated rapidly between the minute hand of the wall clock, Edward, and his sparring partner.

"Look, I wouldn't have said anything at all, but you know as well as I do that _this_ asshole," he said, jerking his head in Jasper's direction, "gets off on this sort of thing. Are you really going to let him win?"

Mr. Varner smiled as the bell rang. "Fair enough, Mr. Cullen. No problem sets. Mr. Hale, please remain behind a moment."

Bella sprang from her chair, ignoring Alice as she hurried to Edward's side.

"You have single-handedly won the devotion of an entire class, including me," she said.

He laughed as his arm wound its way around her waist. "Yours I'll take."

"Mr. Varner is such a grouch," she complained as they walked. "He always does that sort of stuff, just never _that _bad."

"I figured by the way _he_ reacted."

"Don't look at me," she said quickly. "I couldn't tell you what his deal was for a million dollars."

"Next time just pay attention. I could have used that A," he teased, squeezing her hip gently.

"So, it's…it's lunch time."

"I know."

"Do you – "

"Oh my _god_. That was amazing. The single most awesome in class throw-down of _all time_!"

"Alice, come on," Bella pleaded as her friend skipped to her side.

"No, I'm serious. It was epic. _Epic._"

"You're repeating yourself," Bella warned.

"I don't care," Alice replied. "I'm Alice, by the way," she said, turning to address Edward. "I introduced myself the other day, but you were all cold and broody so I thought I'd give it another go."

Edward frowned, shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other and loosening his hold on Bella. "I remember," he finally spoke.

"So you should sit with us at lunch," Alice said with a bright smile, twirling a lock of her insanely shiny, dark bob around her finger.

Bella cast a worried glance up at Edward. "Actually…um, we're going to eat in my truck," she told Alice, shooting her a meaningful glance she could only hope would be properly misinterpreted.

Alice's smile turned impish. "Gotcha. Well, poo," she pouted. "I guess this means I'm eating in the library."

"Nah," Edward said, squinting back toward the classroom. "Your troublemaker just got out."

"Fantastic! Later, losers," she called as she took off in Jasper's direction.

"Sorry," Bella sighed. "She's easily excitable."

Edward was silent, pulling her along to the parking lot.

"I mean, she _means_ well and all, she just…"

She trailed off, biting her lip and fidgeting with a loose thread on her cardigan. "She doesn't understand why – "

"Would you quit apologizing," he grumbled, his free hand raising to run roughly through his hair.

"Sor…oops."

He breezed right past her truck, pulling out his own keys and beeping his car open. She followed, waiting silently as he opened the door and shut it with a _click_.

"I don't like your friends," he said as soon as his own door had shut behind him.

"You don't _know_ my friends," she pointed out.

"I know enough."

"Please," she said. "You don't know anything. And you don't want to. I get that. But they _are_ my friends, Edward."

"I know that, too." His eyes were scrunched shut and his fingers were pinching the bridge of his nose.

"So what do you want me to do?"

He tensed all over before releasing a deep sigh and glancing at her. "I want you to not be friends with them anymore."

Bella bristled, biting the corner of her lip. "That's not fair."

"I know it isn't," he said, watching the tiny raindrops mist all over his windshield, though he didn't bother turning on the wipers.

They sat in silence for a long time, until their vision was entirely obscured by the water.

"I can't do it."

"I _know_ you can't."

"So why the hell did you even ask me to do it?"

"Because it was worth a shot," he replied.

His long fingers reached out, toying with the ends of her hair. Not bothering to analyze what was happening, Bella tilted her head down so her cheek was pressed against his palm. He brought his other hand up so that he was cupping her face and leaned in. Her eyes slid closed, but his lips never made contact. Instead, Edward rested his forehead against hers, the tip of his nose brushing her own. Neither moved to break the embrace until, in the distance, the shrill warning of the bell system told them that they would be late for Biology.

"Come on," he said quietly. "Time to go."

"We could skip again?"

"I don't think so, Bella," he chuckled. "Besides, I have you all to myself this period, so it's unnecessary."

"You haven't spent enough time with Mr. Banner," she mumbled as she climbed out into the rain.

Edward waited for her to reach him and tucked her into his side as they began a brisk walk toward their class.

"Try not to trip and fall on your face," he warned her. "I'd prefer to make it to class as dry as possible."

"How would you know about my tripping," she scowled.

"My father works at the hospital. Everyone warned him."

"You mean Mrs. _Hale_ and Mrs. _Mallory_ warned him."

"He just said everyone," Edward smiled.

"Ugh. I hate my life."

Biology passed quickly, and Edward again walked her to her next class, a class they were supposed to share but he'd managed to weasel out of. As they stood outside the gym, he grinned his crooked grin at her as he slid a folded slip of paper into her hands. He walked away backward, smiling the entire way, until he reached the corner. With a small wave and a mimed reminder to open the slip of paper he'd given her, he disappeared behind the building.

Bella stood for a long minute after he'd gone before remembering the paper in her hands. As soon as it was opened, she started to laugh. There, in a neat little square, was the answer to her second greatest problem. She practically skipped with glee to the Coach, handing the get-out-of-jail free card over. Coach Brian couldn't stop the relieved expression that spread over his features. With obvious excitement, he sent her to the library to pass the period.

"This is the best thing anyone has _ever_ done for me!" she exclaimed as soon as she walked in the door.

Edward looked up with a grin from the book he was buried in. "I'm pretty much amazing," he agreed.

"How did you get this?" she asked, waving the piece of paper around.

"My dad is a _doctor_, Bella. I asked him for it."

"And he just _gave_ it to you?"

"It was actually easy," he admitted. "He has this total thing about the uselessness of high school gym class as a beneficial…you know, you can ask him about it sometime."

"What?"

"I was thinking, maybe you'd like to come over to my house tomorrow after school." Sensing her hesitation, he plowed forward, talking too fast for her to interrupt. "I'll come and pick you up in the morning so you don't have to drive, since my house is pretty much impossible to find if you don't know where it is. And I'll take you home after. And my mom, she'll be there, and I swear she won't try to speak to you in Italian. She'll probably stuff you full of homemade baked goods of some kind, but I kind of doubt you'll care about that and…and…just say yes so I can shut up, ok?"

"Ok."

"Ok?"

"Ok, Edward. I'll come over."

"So I'll pick you up at seven?"

"That's fine."

"I'm going to read my book now," he said, holding up a worn copy of _The Fountainhead._

"Ew. You and Ayn Rand."

"Talking about it yesterday made me want to read it again," he shrugged.

_Yesterday_. The word rattled around Bella's mind, and she couldn't quite believe that it was only yesterday that she'd spilled her guts and told him her whole, sordid history. It was both incredible and terrifying.

"I have a book, so it's fine," she said, brandishing her own worn copy of _Wuthering Heights_.

"You _so_ don't get to judge," Edward said, pulling out a leather cord that had marked his space and recommencing his reading.

Bella let him have the last word, burying her own nose in the familiar story. They sat together, reading for the entire period. Occasionally, Edward would chuckle or frown, and she found her eyes drawn from the pages to watch him. When she let out a tiny groan at a particularly cruel remark from Cathy, she noticed his eyes flitting toward her as well. Even with the distraction he caused, she found reading with Edward soothing and comfortable.

When the final bell rang, Edward walked her to her car. She could feel the eyes on her, but already cared less than she had that morning.

"See, today wasn't so hard," he said.

"I suppose," she said, wrenching open the door to her truck and ignoring his exaggerated cringe.

"Tomorrow morning," he said, smiling and pinching her cheek.

"Bye, Edward."

When she got home, she threw together a shepherd's pie and put it in the fridge to let the flavors marry before dinner. She spent the next several hours lost in the English Moors, surfacing only to put the casserole in the oven and listen to Charlie describe his thrilling hearts victory over deputies Mark and Steve and Mrs. Crowley, the FPD assistant. Bella laughed in all the right places and gratefully accepted Charlie's offer to clean up.

As she climbed back up the stairs, her confusion over Jasper's reaction to Mr. Varner returned. With a violent shake of her head, she attempted to expel him from her mind. She exhaled through her nose in annoyance, shutting her bedroom door behind her and heading toward her laptop. Her fingers drummed in impatience as she waited for an internet signal to finally come through. When one finally did, she immediately opened Google and started looking for tutorials in Italian greetings – if she was going to be meeting Edward's mother, she better do some sucking up.

Charlie called a goodnight, and she glanced at her clock in surprise, goggling at the swiftness with which the past several hours had flown by – and how incredibly focused she'd been. She shut down her laptop and changed into her shorts and a sweatshirt. Almost as soon as she reached for her lamp, she heard a tiny _thunk_ outside her window. A smile stretched unbidden across her face, and Bella crawled out from under the covers to kneel on the end of the bed in anticipation.

Soon, though, her smile disappeared. The fingers that opened the window had no polish on their nails. The hair that slowly emerged was honey blonde and not bronze. The eyes that lifted over the sill were cool gray instead of warm green. And the expression was a scowl instead of a smile.

"Jasper?" she gasped.


	9. Chapter Nine: She Makes a Mistake

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish SM didn't own them either.

_**Chapter Nine – She Makes a Mistake**_

"Jasper!" Bella exclaimed as the rest of him climbed through the window. "What the hell?"

"Jesus, keep it down," he said, standing up and dusting a light sheen of water off the sleeves of his bomber.

"Maybe I don't _want_ to keep it down," she said, scuttling back toward her headboard and clutching a pillow to her chest.

"So now – in addition to acting like a total bitch – you want me _dead_?" he demanded, glancing meaningfully past her head and toward her door, beyond which her dad was only steps away.

"_I'm_ the bitch?

"I'm pretty sure I didn't stutter," he said, beginning to pace up and down the wall opposite her bed.

"Are you suddenly an elephant? Keep it down. You're going to wake Charlie," she warned, clenching the pillow between her trembling hands.

"What the fuck is the matter with you?"

"Ok, on second thought, maybe _I'll_ go wake Charlie."

Bella stood, backing away from Jasper. He stopped his pacing and shrugged, leaning back against the wall casually. He never broke his eyes from hers. The cool gray of them froze her to the floor, but she burned under their intensity. Her stomach twisted, a combination of nerves and revulsion. She didn't know why he was looking at her like that, but she _hated_ how easy it was for him to make her submit.

"Stop it," she begged, successfully willing herself to turn away from him.

She heard his soft steps approaching her, finally stopping halfway across the room. Pivoting on her heel, she turned to face him and immediately stumbled backward. He was almost right behind her, barely two steps away. Her whole body went rigid even as her insides melted."Jasper…"

"Just…just be quiet for a second," he commanded.

He took the final step toward her, and still she remained rooted to her post, the doorknob of her closet grazing against her back. His head tilted just barely, and he began leaning in. His lips were inching closer to hers, too fast and painfully slowly at the same time. Their gazes remained locked together; she didn't flinch, and neither did he. His eyes, usually so cold, had only intensified their smoldering. He'd come so close that she could see the tiny blue flecks sprinkled through the grey, sparking like hot flames.

"We can't," she said, but she couldn't stop herself from leaning even closer to him.

"We have to," he whispered gruffly.

She watched his eyes flutter shut, completely unable to prepare herself for what was about to happen. Years of wanting, months of frustration, weeks of uncertainty had all led her to this moment. Then…it happened. Cool lips pressed against hers. Rough hands cupped her cheeks. And her entire world tilted on its axis.

The first few seconds of the kiss were gentle, but that was as long as they could last. The next thing that Bella knew, she was being clutched to Jasper's chest as he pressed her hard against the steady surface of the wall, the doorknob to her closet digging into the small of her back. Everything seemed faster, more frantic: his touches, their breathing, her heartbeat…

Her hands, unable to reach under his jacket, found themselves tangled in his hair, luxuriating in the feeling of the silky locks between her fingers. They slid from his head, down the sinewy muscles of his neck, to rest on the broad shoulders that felt strangely narrow in her grip.

_His_ hands were all over her – clutching her face, sliding into her hair, running up and down her back, grabbing her shoulders…she'd never felt more wanted. She felt his tongue slide along her bottom lip and couldn't stop the whimper that escaped her. And then, one callused finger trailed along the small of her back.

Tears sprung to her eyes unbidden and she choked on a tiny sob. She couldn't make herself pull away, but neither could she cease the sudden onslaught of moisture cascading gently down her cheeks. Almost immediately, Jasper was pushing her away and stumbling toward the window. He glanced wildly round the room, looking for something to focus on – anything but her. She bit down hard on her lip, trying to feel something, _anything_, besides the hot tingle scalding her entire body.

He turned his back on her, but in the reflection of the glass she could see his face contorted in pain. However, once he faced her again, the anger was back, only now it had exploded into a blazing rage. His chest heaved with each breath he took, and he glared at her, watching her quiet sobs intensify under his furious glare. Without a word, he climbed out the window.

She heard a quiet series of clunks, and rushed to the window. Peering over the sill, she saw him, something large and long tucked under his arm as he headed toward the shed behind the house. Of _course_ he would remember the ladder Charlie kept stored on the back wall. Of _course_ he would be smart enough to use it rather than risk leaping from the grizzled branches of her tree.

Cowardice drew her back inside, and she shut the window with a decided _thunk_. As soon as the covers were safely pulled over her head, Bella finally let what had just happened really sink in. Her first feeling was, surprisingly, relief. She hadn't been thinking during the entire exchange and – she paused to rub at her now aching back – it was a miracle they hadn't woken up Charlie. As much as she'd threatened Jasper, telling her dad that a guy had climbed into her window would hardly have won her any brownie points.

She was teetering on the edge of a steep precipice in her mind, and with every tear that continued sliding down her cheek she felt closer and closer to the endless oblivion that lay below her. Gingerly, she placed a finger to her swollen mouth. The burning of her lips flared her temper into a flame. Jasper had been angry, but suddenly she felt like she could match him blow for blow.

Who was he to push her away and push her away without ever actually being man enough to actuallydo it? What was so special about him that let him climb in her window and think he could just kiss her? What the hell gave him the _right_?

Even in the midst of her anger, the answer to that question sprung unbidden to the forefront of her thoughts. _She_ had given him the right. It had always been her that had made it ok. For so long she'd just stood and took it…heeled at his every command. She'd been too afraid to speak up, even in the beginning…too afraid of his reaction. Because he was important.

"Im_portant_," she spat, her forehead crinkling as she considered it.

The word rang in the formerly silent bedroom. Important. Jasper was important. But could she ever fill the huge hole she'd dug for herself? Could she ever stem the tide? The wave of sadness washed over her, and Bella was sobbing again. She slammed her pillow over her face – pulling it so tight she could barely breathe – and screamed. She screamed until her throat was raw and her face was hot from the heat and the blood rushing to her face. And then the tears returned until exhaustion took her.

The next morning, she woke up at six, a full half hour before her alarm clock began its annoying screech. She padded heavily to her closet, staring at herself in the full length mirror Alice had hung on the door several years ago. Immediately, she wished she hadn't.

Her hair was a wild, tangled mess. Her eyes were red, puffy, and crusted. Her cheeks, too, were swollen and too pink, and she could see the paths her tears had taken. And her lips…thinking about her lips made her want to puke. Too many emotions were rushing through her. It was all just _too much_.

Groaning, she stumbled down the hallway clutching her stomach. Bella reached for the knobs as soon as she was in the bathroom, turning the hot water up as high as it would go and praying that it worked. When steam began fogging the mirror as she vigorously scrubbed out her mouth with her toothbrush, she sighed in heavy relief.

Stepping under the heavy stream, all her muscles instantly relaxed. She stood for a long time, trying to wash the memory of the previous night out of her brain.

"We'll smoke the monster out," she sang lightly to herself.

It was such a funny image – a gigantic Jasper with too large limbs poking out of the windows of her mind – that she had to laugh. Her laughter eliminated the last balls of tension that remained, and she found herself suddenly calmer. More rational. And only a little bit pissed.

When the hot water started to run out, she turned the knobs and stepped out of the shower. She dried off quickly and wrapped herself in her towel so that she could dry her hair. A glance at the clock told her she still had thirty minutes until Edward showed up. She hurried down the hall, knowing that she wanted to make tea or something for the car. Halfway into her favorite jeans, she froze. She was meeting Edward's parents. His _parents_. Her phone was immediately in her hand.

"Alice, help!" Bella cried.

"What's the occasion?" her friend asked.

"I'm meeting his parents! And I don't know – "

She had to hold the phone away from her to save her eardrums from the high pitched squeal ringing out.

"Well, you should wear jeans, because…I mean...you don't want to be someone you're not."

"That part's done."

"Not your _favorite_ jeans, Bella. The skinny ones. The nice ones that I bought you."

"But I look _stupid_ in those."

"Just because it isn't a cardigan or two sizes too big for you does _not_ cause it to make you look stupid. Anyway, wear your navy blue turtleneck. And keep your hair _down_. And wear the riding boots we bought in Portland. And put on some mascara for goodness sake. And your turquoise earrings and the hammered silver ring. And…"

"And?"

"Nope, I think that's it!" Alice said brightly.

"I don't know how you remember everything in my closet," Bella said.

"Well, there's not that much to mentally inventory. And, if it's worth wearing I picked it out for you anyway. I can't believe this! This is so exciting!"

Alice's exuberance brought her back to earth. Bella considered the final complication of the disaster that was her previous night – the one thing she – über-bitch that she was – hadn't thought of: she'd made out with her best friend's boyfriend. She'd kissed him back and hadn't even tried to stop it. How would she tell her? Could she?

"Yeah," Bella finally said, responding to Alice's dramatic sighs, deciding that now would be the worst possible time…that there would _never_ be a good time to say something like that. "It _is_ pretty exciting."

They said their goodbyes and Bella hurriedly threw on the outfit Alice had instructed her to, tugging on her boots and grabbing her bag. In the kitchen, she made two travel mugs of hot chocolate. While she waited for the milk to boil, she thought about Alice…and then she thought about Edward. She and Edward weren't _technically_ together, but they were _something_ and she hated that she'd done something she knew would hurt him. That she knew would just hurt everyone.

The sound of gravel crunching told her that Edward was probably in the driveway, so she hurriedly screwed the lids on the two mugs and hustled outside. Seeing him standing outside the car, smiling so easily at her, made her freeze. It was official. She was the most selfish human being alive.

Bella paused on the walkway, and Edward frowned. He'd know something was wrong – he always seemed to – and it only reinforced her sudden decision that even if she could never tell Alice, she would _have _to tell him. But when? And how?

With a tentative smile, she resumed moving and handed him the mug. He lifted it to his nose and taking a whiff.

"Hot chocolate. Made from scratch," she said at his puzzled smile.

"Wow. This is amazing," he said, taking a sip. "Trying to butter me up?"

She almost choked on her own mouthful of chocolate. "Ummm…"

"That was _supposed_ to be a joke," he said, drinking again and raising his eyebrows.

"I know," she whispered, climbing into the car and waiting for him.

"Spill it," he said, collapsing into his seat. He put his cup in the holder and his hand immediately went up to pinch the bridge of his nose.

"Edward – "

"No. You get this look on your face when you want to tell me something. You had it two days ago and you've got it now. And I can tell I'm not going to like it, so I'd rather not spend my entire day worried and distracted wondering what the hell it is. Just tell me."

"I don't know," she hedged, biting her lips and twisting her hands, her own hot chocolate forgotten.

"Like a band-aid, Bella. Right off."

"Like a band-aid," she mused, wondering if he would kick her out of his car and speed out of her life as quickly as he'd raced into it if she told him. But no. Not saying how she felt…not being honest…keeping secrets was what had started the entire mess in the first place. "Jasper climbed into my window last night," she said, so quietly she wondered if she'd imagined saying the words.

"What?" Edward asked, his eyes narrowing to slits.

"I think you heard me," she whispered.

"And what happened?"

His voice was calm, but she could sense his worry radiating through the awkwardness of the car. She wanted to take back the confusing ecstasy of the previous night. She'd have given up all of it if it meant not having to hurt Edward. Or Alice.

"He kissed me," she said. Her voice trembled, betraying the fear she'd tried so hard to hide.

"_And_?" he asked, the strain in his voice almost enough to break her resolve.

"And I started crying. And then he stopped and fled out the window."

"That's all?"

"That's all. And…I'm sorry, Edward. I'm so sorry."

"You really fucking suck. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I do," she said, biting hard on her lips and willing herself not to cry.

"I mean, _shit_, Bella. What the hell were you thinking?"

"I wasn't."

"That much's obvious. I mean, put me aside for a second – not that you had any trouble doing that last night – and answer me this: why would you let him do that to you? Why didn't you stand up for yourself?"

"I don't know," she whimpered. "I don't know! I couldn't. I can't! He makes me…he turns me into a coward. A beaten dog. And I _hate_ it."

She jumped when she felt his fingers, warm from his mug, grip her hands and hold them together, forcing them to still.

"I know you do."

Her eyes were wide when she stared up at him, tears blurring her vision. His face seemed stern, but he hadn't yelled at her. He hadn't kicked her out of the car. He hadn't pitched a still hot beverage all over her face.

"You're…you're not_ mad_"

He jerked his hand back. "Are you out of your _mind_? Of _course_ I'm _mad_. I'm really, _really_ mad. I'm fucking _pissed_, Bella. I'm taking you to meet my parents tonight and then _this _happens?"

Even though he wasn't yelling, Bella couldn't stop the tiny sob that escaped.

"Oh fucking hell," he moaned, burying his hands in his hair. "Please don't cry. I got a little carried away, that's all. Yes, I'm mad at you. But, I'm madder at him, Bella. He was here first, and he had his chance. He's had years to do what he did last night, but he didn't make a move until I was here…until he saw us together. And I am seriously considering running over him with my car. Or maybe taking out a hit on him. My college fund ought to just about cover one."

He tried to smile, but he was biting his lip and his eyes betrayed his nerves.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I felt awful about it as soon as it stopped. I was so mad at him, and so mad at myself. But…I think…" she paused, swiping at the tears still dripping down her cheeks. "I'm pretty sure I don't ever want to speak to him again."

"You don't mean that," Edward said with a sigh.

"Maybe not," she acknowledged. "Maybe it would be better to say that I'm not going to. I just…I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling broken and totally…defeated. And please, _please_ don't think I'm with you now because I think you're safe, because you so obviously aren't. You came in here, and now my whole life is upside down and I don't even know who I _am_. So…" she took a deep breath and looked him right in the eye. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, and I'm done with him. I'm…I'm done with that."

"So you're with me now?" he asked.

"If you'll let me be," she replied.

He was across the seat in a second, crushing her to him in a hug as he laughed in victory. "Ok, in the interest of full disclosure, I'm going to have a really hard time not giving that asshole a serious _neiner neiner_. We should just skip today, save me the temptation."

"No!" she said, laughing as she pushed him away. "If I'm not there, he's going to assume I'm home moping. And if you aren't there, he's going to assume that you're pissed as hell."

"Or maybe he'll assume we're together and I'm trying to make you forget about last night," he grinned cheekily.

Bella blushed and shook her head. "No. He's too self-centered for that. He'll think he's ruined our lives."

"Well, we'll show him that he didn't," he assured her, backing out of the driveway. "But I must warn you, I can't be held responsible for any of my actions today."

"I suppose I deserve that," she agreed as he smiled.

They drove to school in companionable silence. He had his stereo on, but not so loud that she couldn't say something if she wanted to. She watched, amused, as he downed the contents of his mug as well as hers.

"That was seriously delicious. Did you lace it with crack?" he teased as he tipped his head back to hold the cup upended over his mouth.

"No, just hot milk and a decent dark chocolate, though I suppose it's kind of like crack in its own way."

He parked in her spot – "I'm going to steal this spot if it kills me," he told her – and climbed from the car. Edward held her bag while she pulled on her coat. As she walked toward his side of the car, she couldn't help but marvel at how well he'd taken it. She could see the tension in the set of his shoulders, but she could also see the optimism. His face seemed more open when he looked at her, his green eyes more vibrantly alive.

"You ready to face the Socs, Sodapop?"

"His name was Ponyboy. Sodapop was his brother. Did the book not have enough pictures for you?" she laughed, nudging him in the side with her elbow.

He chuckled as his arm slid around her waist. For a split second she remembered that awful moment when Jasper had touched that same spot – _Edward's_ spot – but the reassurance pouring off of him was enough to let her keep her smile. It felt so amazing to be able to laugh and joke without the fear of scowls or biting retorts.

As they approached the edge of the parking lot, she couldn't help but search Jasper out.

"Ok, screw the _neiner neiner._ His face right now entirely makes up for how pissed I am. Maybe he thinks you didn't tell me?"

"No, I'm smiling," Bella laughed, surprised at the mocking edge it had taken, though not surprised that he'd used the present tense to describe his anger. "He knows me. If I hadn't told you, I'd look guilty."

"True," he agreed. "You have the worst poker face of all time. And, by the way, blue is definitely your color."

She was heartened when his cheeks flushed a pale pink as soon as the words left his mouth. She smiled, grateful for the distraction, and hid her own blush behind a curtain of her hair. They approached the school, and the closer they got the more angry Jasper looked. Alice ignored him, waving at them excitedly. Bella again felt a stab of guilt, but, after talking to Edward, she knew she couldn't tell Alice. Any attempt she made would just be to alleviate her own guilt, and would easily be twisted into a sad attempt to break up her and Jasper. She didn't protest when Edward led them straight to English, and stifled a giggle as Alice gave an exaggerated eye roll before turning her back on them.

"Watching that happen was almost enough to make your infidelity entirely worth it," he said with a wink.

"Infidelity?" she demanded. "Look, I said I was sorry and – "

"You're cute when you get all mad, but I was just joking."

"Old habits," she sighed, smiling up at him ruefully.

Edward mussed her hair, and she remembered the hot passion that had burned through her when Jasper had yanked her to him almost roughly. She glanced at Edward out of the corner of her eye as they entered the classroom and couldn't stop wishing that he would treat her as a little bit less breakable. Still, she knew the only way to make that happen was to _be_ a little bit less breakable.

She sat ramrod straight in her seat in English as Jasper walked in. He glared at her and cast a furious scowl at Edward, who was grinning angelically and relaxing in his chair, his hands folded behind his head. Jasper looked away, failing spectacularly in his attempt to pretend he hadn't noticed. He stormed to his seat, sitting down with a heavy _thud_ and pushing his desk back from Bella's.

Edward flashed her a wink, and she had to clap her hands over her mouth to keep from interrupting the beginning of Mr. Mason's lecture with a laugh. Just as she got herself under control, she felt a something slide into the boot that was hooked around her chair leg. Bella reached down and extracted a piece of paper, folded into thirds. She stared at it for a long moment. Then, with a small smile, she crumpled it into a ball and pitched it to the floor behind her. Only when she straightened and returned her attention to the board did she notice Edward watching her with a satisfied smile.


	10. Chapter Ten: She Meets the Parents

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish SM didn't own them either.

_**Chapter Ten – She Meets the Parents**_

The Volvo flew along the back roads of Forks, Edward maneuvering the car expertly over the slick roads. Though the needle was hovering right below ninety, Bella felt almost completely safe. _Almost_. That last part of her – that teeny bit that felt fear – relished in the danger. It was the most careless that Edward had ever been with her.

"And so after my dad set her ankle, she kept rambling on and on in Italian and yelling and hitting his shoulder. He couldn't figure out what the hell was the matter with her, and he couldn't get her to shut up, so, as he always tells people, he did the only thing he could think of."

"What?" Bella asked, genuinely curious. Edward had been telling her about how his parents met, and their story was so adorably romantic that it could have been a movie.

"He kissed her," Edward said with a grin.

"Oh, real professional," she joked.

"That's the joke my mother always makes," he laughed. "So then, she pushes him away and slugs him in the mouth. Right about that time, this guy comes storming in, and dad thinks it's her husband or boyfriend or something and – keep in mind that these are his words, not mine – pretty much shit his pants."

Bella could barely breathe from her giggles. "Oh my _God_. Please tell me it was her husband."

"Worse. It was her older brother. And she was _barely_ eighteen."

"You're _kidding_!" she gasped.

"Nope. And so my dad's resident comes in and sends him upstairs so he and the translator can try to smooth things out. When he finally builds up enough courage to come out and apologize, she's gone. A bunch of time passes, and my dad gets into a relationship with this nurse. He was even thinking about asking her to marry him."

"But he didn't?"

"My mom showed back up one day out of the blue. Said she'd been waiting for him to come look for her, and, since he hadn't, _she'd_ come to find _him_."

"She flew all the way from Italy?" Bella asked, only mildly horrified by the girlish sigh she emitted.

"More like she took the train all the way from the University of Chicago, where she'd been going to school."

"Still! That's the most romantic story I've ever heard!"

"Remember – I told you all of this so my parents didn't have an hour long story-time, cuddle fest in front of us. Please, if you care about my sanity at all, don't bring this up. _Please_."

"I'll do my best," she promised as he turned onto a side road. "Oh holy _shit_," she gasped, suddenly realizing where they were.

"What? What's wrong?" he demanded, looking at her anxiously.

"You live in the Erickson house?" she squeaked.

"Umm…if this is the Erickson house, then yes," he replied, his nose wrinkled in confusion.

"Holy _shit_," she reiterated as the imposing white house came into view.

There had been articles about the house built by the founder of Erickson logging when he'd first made his fortune chopping down half the trees on the Pacific coast. Charlie still talked about it from time to time – the scandal of a house the size of the entire town being built in the woods nearby when the hospital was about to go under. Seeing it for the first time, with its large windows, oversized doors, and two wings flanking the main house, Bella couldn't help but let her jaw drop open.

"My mom likes restoring houses," he said.

"Because this one needs _so_ much restoration," she snorted, staring up at the gables scattered over the roofline.

"You're going to freak out on me, aren't you?" he asked warily.

"Probably."

"It's just a house," he tried hopefully. "With a door and a roof – "

"And about sixty rooms and hard wood floors and imported marble and Louis XVI chandeliers and an in-home theater and – "

"How the hell do you know all that?"

"It's the _Erickson_ house," she reminded him. "Everyone knows about this house. There was an article in the Seattle Times about it when it was being built."

"Well, it's seriously just a house. Too much of a house, really. My first day here I got confused about which room was mine and…"

Edward trailed off and blushed as he pulled into a large garage on the far side of the house.

"What?" she asked, amused at his awkwardness.

"Trust me when I say you don't want to know," he grumbled, turning the key and opening his door.

Bella climbed out of the Volvo, noticing several other very new, very expensive looking cars in each of the available garage bays. When she looked back to Edward he was blushing again.

"My dad's into sports cars," he muttered, watching as her eyes ran over both a Mercedes and a vintage convertible. "The green one's a fifty-six Jaguar roadster."

"Like in – "

"Cruel Intentions," he finished for her. "Come on, let's go inside before – "

"Before you get any more embarrassed by your poor little rich boy-ness?" she teased.

"I hate you," he sighed, ushering her into a narrow hallway.

Edward led her through several side doors and into a large, bright kitchen. The cabinets were an antique white, and the upper doors had glass panes in them, highlighting an impressive collection of basket-weave dishes. As Bella paused to admire the blue granite countertops, she caught sight of the woman leaning casually against the bar across the room. She was exquisite, with pale, olive tinted skin, flowing chestnut hair, and pale brown eyes. Her full lips were spread wide in a warm smile, and the openness of her face made her relax immediately.

"Bella, this is my mother, Esme. Mom, this is Bella," Edward said, pushing her forward gently.

"It's very nice to meet you, Mrs. Cullen," Bella said quietly.

"None of that," Esme said, speaking with the barest hint of an accent. She crossed the room to pull Bella into a gentle hug. "Just call me Esme. I'm so very delighted to meet you. Edward has talked about you non-stop."

"Mother," Edward groaned, shooting her a warning glare.

"Well, you have darling," she teased, winking conspiratorially at Bella. "I was so pleasantly surprised, too. He moped about for months when we told him we were moving. I'd barely had a civil word from him until he met you."

"And you're unlikely to get another after this debacle," he grumbled.

Esme's warm laugh filled the room, and Bella found herself joining in. "I apologize for my son, Bella. He can be a bit of a boor at times. He gets particularly cranky just before snack time."

"Avete detto che sareste stato piacevole," Edward said, crossing his arms across his chest in a huff.

"Sto essendo molto piacevole! It is you who are being rude, speaking Italian when Bella cannot. I was just informing my son that I _am_ behaving, just as I'd promised."

"Where's dad?" Edward asked, glancing over his shoulder almost desperately as he so obviously tried to distract her.

The banter hit a momentary lull at his question, allowing Bella to marvel at the sheer normality of Edward's relationship to his mother. After years of basing her idea of family off of the dysfunctional lives of her own parents, the Hales, the Brandons, and the McCartys, it was strange to see. She marveled at the easy way with which Esme teased her son and the obvious affection in her tone as she did so. She marveled further at the good humor with which Edward took her spars and his ease in responding in kind.

"Did someone call for me," spoke a deep voice.

Bella looked up to see what must have been Edward's father. He was tall, though not as tall as Edward, with pale blonde hair and intensely blue eyes. Like his wife, he wore a smile that was both warm and inviting. She watched as Esme's eyes lit up, and she moved quickly to stand by her husband's side.

"Carlisle, mio amore, come and meet my beautiful Bella. I've just been telling her how very glad we are that she has managed to pull our son out of his little funk."

"You're going to put him right back into one with talk like that," Carlisle chuckled.

"That's what _I_ said!" Edward interjected.

"Well, I'm very happy to meet you," Carlisle said, shaking her hand as she blushed. Up close, she noticed the tiny gray flecks in his eyes. "I know your father, though not as well as I'd like."

"Do you play spades?" she asked.

"Why, yes, I do," he said, confusion etched into the wrinkles around his eyes.

"Pop by the station. He's been looking for a partner to take down his deputies – Mrs. Crowley is _awful_ – and he loves to talk while he plays."

"All right, torturing time is over," Edward said before his father could respond. He grabbed Bella by the hand. "We'll be in my room."

"Leave the door open," Carlisle warned. "Her father _is _the chief of Police."

Bella giggled awkwardly, pleased to notice that Edward's cheeks were as red as her own.

"I swear to God, I'm never speaking to either of you again," he exclaimed, burying his free hand in his hair.

"Yes you will, my sweet. Would you like some lemon bars to take upstairs with you? Perhaps some homemade marshmallows?" Esme asked.

Edward paused. "Fine. Lemon squares. But don't think this lets you off the hook."

"Would you like some tea, Bella? A glass of milk?"

"Umm…"

"I have drinks in my room," Edward said, snatching the plate of delicious looking treats his mother handed him. "Call me for dinner."

Bella waved a goodbye over her shoulder as Edward dragged her away from the kitchen and up two flights of stairs. She followed him down a long hallway, barely having time to take in the unique art and wall hangings interspersed amongst a huge gallery of family photos. At the end of the hall, he opened another door to reveal a steep, narrow staircase to what Bella could only assume was some sort of attic space. When they reached the door at the top, he paused and looked at her nervously.

"Oh get over it," she said, reaching around him. "You climbed into my window without even giving me a chance to tidy up first, let alone to feel awkward about you seeing my personal space."

She turned the knob, pushing the door open and stepping neatly around Edward to pause on the threshold. The walls of his room were a slate blue that blended seamlessly into the dull gray of the sky visible through his large, uncovered window. Ebony hardwood floors were covered by a large oriental rug in muted blues and greens. One whole wall was covered in walnut colored shelving complete with a built in desk. His tall, four poster bed – covered in a blue and green flannel duvet – took up the other wall. Hanging over it was a black and white photo that was out of focus, though in an artful way. The last wall held a well-worn black leather sofa with a silvery-blue blanket tossed over it.

"See," she said, scowling playfully. "You at least got to hide all your dirty undies and put away all embarrassing items before I showed up."

"True," he agreed, moving to fiddle with the iPod attached to his elaborate looking stereo system.

When he was satisfied with his musical selection, he moved across the room and sat the lemon squares on the table next to the sofa before sitting down. Bella, casting a long glance toward the bed, went to join him.

"Your parents are great," she told him.

"That's what they're always trying to tell me," he said. "Lemon square?"

"No thanks." She scooted closer to him, surprised by her own boldness.

"Something to drink?"

"No thanks," she said again, carefully placing her hand on his forearm and staring up at him.

"You sure?"

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up," she said, closing the distance between them and pressing her lips firmly to his.

For one fantastic minute he responded, his fingers sliding into her hair and his mouth just barely opening. She felt the same tingles she had the first time he'd kissed her – tingles that seemed to warm her through rather than burn her up as the previous night's kiss had. Her hand was just sliding to his chest when he pushed her away.

"That wasn't fair," he said angrily, standing up and storming across the room.

"What wasn't fair?" she asked, embarrassment and rejection flooding her.

"You. Kissing me like that."

"What's unfair about me wanting to kiss you?"

"The fact that less than twenty-four hours ago you were kissing someone else!"

Bella froze, unable to move as she watched him stand perfectly still and absolutely straight as he stared out his window with his hands buried in his hair. She wanted to go to him, but she knew she deserved whatever he might say. And she knew he deserved to let it all out.

"Can you honestly tell me," he said, turning to face her again, "that you didn't think of him even a little during that kiss?"

She couldn't, and so she didn't try.

"_That's_ why it's unfair, Bella."

"So what exactly do you want from me?" she asked, and she was surprised that she could feel her temper flaring up. "What, _exactly_, do you want?"

"Excuse me?"

"What do you want with me, Edward? Tell me. Answer me that question, because I still don't have a clue. You tell me you want me to be your girlfriend. But then you tell me to give up my friends. You tell me that you want me to be with you, but then, when we're alone, you don't want to be _with_ me. You only seem interested in me that way when we're at school. When _he's_ watching. So now, you look at me. You look at me and tell me you didn't think of him, even a little, during that kiss. That you didn't think about the fact that you've ostensibly won the battle. That you took me away from him."

"I didn't take you away."

"You're right. You didn't. I _left_, Edward. And it's hard. I thought…I mean…I fucking explained it to you. I've loved him for so long it's hard to remember a time when I didn't. I've wanted him even longer than that. Did you expect all of that to just _go away_ because you showed up?"

He stared at her, mouth half open, and smugness radiated off of her in waves as she saw how quickly his self-righteousness had deflated.

"I _wanted_ to kiss you. I _chose_ to kiss you. Just like I chose you over him!"

"But – "

"No. I picked you. I wanted you. And not because Jasper makes me miserable and because you make me safe. Because you've let me be _me_. Because I can yell at you when I'm mad and not be terrified! Because I can joke with you. Because I can sit in comfortable silence with you. Because when I'm kissing _you_ I feel like everything can finally make sense…like I'm doing something _right_."

"Bella, I'm – "

"Don't. Just don't. Why the hell did you bring me here? Why'd you act like you could forgive me this morning only to completely freak out just now? God, you are fifty times more confusing than he is."

"Oh fuck that," he bit out with a glare.

"He at least said he didn't want me and followed through. You're telling me you want me and then pushing me away." She knew this wasn't strictly true, but she was angry and ranting, and she didn't have time to take it back now.

"Just because I wasn't ready to kiss you just then doesn't mean I don't want to kiss you _ever,_ Bella!"

She just stared at him for a long moment, her eyebrows raised in amusement. "You brought me to your house. You ushered me up several flights of stairs, basically as far from your parents as you could get. You brought me to your room and closed the door even _after_ your dad told you not to. You put on this…this…" She paused to wave her hand in the direction of the stereo. "This _mood_ music. You didn't even turn on the _lights_, Edward. What was I supposed to think you wanted?"

"Shit. I'm a total fucking creep."

"I wouldn't go that far," she said, rolling her eyes. "You certainly have a penchant for the dramatic, though."

"I don't like the idea of you thinking about him when you're kissing me."

"And that's perfectly fair."

"And you were."

"Fine. I was. But not like that."

"Then what were you thinking," he asked, starting to move slowly back toward her.

"I told you," she stalled, suddenly very sure that it was too much, too soon to tell him what she had been thinking.

"You didn't," he argued.

"Does it matter?"

"To me it does."

"What if I told you I'm not ready yet?"

"I'd respect that," he said, sitting down at her side. "But it wouldn't stop me wanting to know."

"It's like I told you," she said, shrugging her shoulders in an attempt to seem nonchalant. "When I kiss you I feel warm all over. Like it's right…like it's supposed to be that way."

"And when you kiss him," he said, his lips pressing into a hard line as his eyes bored into her own.

"When I kiss him…" she trailed off, biting her lip. "When I kiss him I feel like…God, this is so stupid."

"Like a band-aid, Bella."

"I feel like the entire world is on fire…like everything is going to get caught up in the flames and burn up right along with me."

"You feel wrong," he said quietly.

"Yes," she whispered, though inside she couldn't help but think that it had felt wonderful in all its wrongness. _Too_ wonderful.

"You know that's true, don't you?" he asked, tentatively reaching for her hand.

"Yes. I don't want to see myself destroyed, and I don't want to destroy you or Alice or anyone else, either. I want things to feel right."

"I'm sorry I went a little spastic. I...I have a horrendous temper. And I'm judgmental. And I think that I'm better than everyone. And I always think I'm right, which makes me stubborn as hell. And…these are things you should know about me."

"I kind of already did," she said, bumping his shoulder and smiling cautiously at him.

He returned her smile. "It's just…I wanted you to know. Because what happened just now will probably happen again."

"Good," she said. "I hardly ever get to yell at anyone. I'm almost looking forward to it."

"So do you want to watch a movie?" he asked, changing the subject, and handing her a lemon bar.

"Not really," she replied. She wanted to kiss him again, but that clearly wasn't going to happen and she knew that sitting in a dark room right next to him would only leave her frustrated and annoyed. She took a bite of the chewy, tangy bar and her mouth almost exploded from sheer deliciousness. "This is the most amazing thing _ever_!"

"That's nothing…wait till you try her cannolis. What do you want to do?"

"I want to sit here and listen while you tell me all about your life before Forks."

"There isn't much to tell."

"Somehow I doubt that."

"What do you want to know?" he asked. "This may go better if you just ask the questions, and we'll play quid pro quo."

"Ok, Hannibal. Girlfriend?"

"I'm pretty sure. She's awfully cute too."

"I mean _before_," Bella sighed in mock exasperation.

"Several."

"Were they pretty?"

"No. Hideous. Every single one."

"All right, that was a stupid question," she conceded.

"It really was. And I'm not just sucking up when I say that none of them were nearly as naturally pretty as you."

"Naturally pretty is just another way of saying plain," she argued. "Next question."

"No wait! It's my turn," he scolded.

"You already know the answer to that."

"You mean to tell me you've never had a boyfriend before?"

"Nope," she said, blushing a little and shooting him a glare. "I've gone out with guys. I went out with a guy named Jacob for a few weeks to try to make Jasper jealous, but it didn't work so I stopped. I wouldn't call him my boyfriend though."

"Well, the rules of quid pro quo are that it doesn't have to be the same question, just so you know. Though I wondered about that one."

"Did your mom decorate your room?"

"Yes. What happened to _your_ mom?"

"Wow. I mean, umm…" Bella stumbled, caught off guard by the question.

"I didn't mean to be blunt," he apologized, reaching for her hand.

"No, it's ok. I just forget people exist who don't know the story."

"There's a story?"

"Not really. My parents got married when they were young – right out of high school – and had me not long after that. My mom wanted to move, to get out of the rain…but my dad's parents lived here and he couldn't just _abandon_ them. So one day my mom just took me and left. We moved to Phoenix. Then, when I was three, she bought two plane tickets, flew back to Forks, drove to Charlie's, and left me in the living room."

"Are you fucking _serious_?" he asked. "Fuck, Bella. I'm sorry. I thought maybe she'd died or – "

"And death is clearly superior to abandonment. No, it's fine," she said, waving her hands to halt his impending apology. "It's actually kind of funny. Charlie's a good dad. He isn't fabulous with the talking, but there're always snow chains on my tires when it ices, there's always pancakes on my birthday, and he – "

"What?" Edward demanded.

"No way," Bella replied, shaking her head obstinately.

"I'm using my next question. What?"

"That isn't how it works! You can't just _make_ me answer the questions!"

"Those are the rules of quid pro quo!"

"The rules you just made up," she laughed. "I'll tell you what. You tell me what happened when you were lost in the house and I'll tell you about this."

"Fine," he sighed. "It isn't that embarrassing. I mean, they do it _all the time_ so I guess I shouldn't get so upset about it."

"Holy shit. You walked in on them?" Bella asked, laughing even harder as she clapped her hands to her mouth in shock.

"Yes. I was looking for my bedroom, but I opened the door and…there they were," he said with a pained expression. "On the table in the crafting room."

"On the table?" Bella giggled.

"That's when I moved my room to the attic. There was no confusing of which space was mine. And there were also at least two doors between me and them at all times."

"It could have been worse," she said, patting his shoulder reassuringly.

"Believe me, I know," he said darkly, scowling at the floor. "Your turn."

"God, next to that mine's nothing. It's more embarrassing for Charlie than it is for me. It's kind of cute that he's willing to do it."

"You don't _make_ him…"

"Force him to buy my…feminine products? No, but somehow they are always there, waiting for me under the sink when I need them. I don't say anything about it, he doesn't either, and the world keeps spinning. I don't know why I get so embarrassed talking about it. It's stupid really."

"Yes, well…please let's not talk about it anymore."

"Fair enough. Why didn't you want to make friends at Forks?"

"Because I thought if I was miserable and unhappy and not making friends my mom would move us back to Seattle while my dad finished up his study."

"I doubt they could be apart that long," Bella smirked. "What, with the insatiable need for – "

"If you complete that sentence I'll…I'll think of something to do to you, and it will be both creative and terrifying. My turn. Why aren't you friends with anyone but Jasper and Alice?"

"I wouldn't say I'm not friends with them. It's just…when we were little, the Hales wouldn't let Jasper play with a lot of the other kids. They didn't want him associating with the lesser citizens."

Edward barked a laugh, and Bella smiled at him indulgently. "I know. It's seriously the dumbest thing ever, but his mother is a total loon. She has these delusions of grandeur because her husband is the principal of the high school and her dad was an attorney in Port Angeles. It's hysterical, and it embarrasses Jasper to no end.

But! It meant we didn't really play with all that many of the other kids. Then Alice came, and she and I were friends so she was friends with J too. And Emmett and Rosalie used to hang out with us, but Emmett, who is normally so great at reading people, figured the best way to get Rosalie to finally go out with him was to ask _me _out."

"And you said no."

"And Rosalie kicked his ass. Tell me about your experiment."

"I…well…it's complicated," he said, his eyes shooting unconsciously to one of the large, lower cabinets next to the desk area of his room.

Bella followed his gaze. "You know the rules."

"I made the rules up."

"Too bad. I liked the rules."

"You didn't like it so much five minutes ago."

"I was worried about talking about tampons with you five minutes ago. I'm over that now. This honest thing is fun, so please partake and spill your secrets," she said, parroting back his earlier command with a grin.

"It really is a very long story…" Edward trailed off, cocking his head before standing and pulling her up and toward the door. "A very long story that I will have to tell you at another time, because my mother is calling us for dinner."

"I'm not going to forget," she warned.

"Of course you won't," he groaned as they hit the second flight of stairs.

"Do I smell spaghetti?" she asked in a fit of compassion.

"And chicken parmesan. It's my favorite."

"I love chicken parm! With a delicious – "

"A deliciously rich marinara and some crusty garlic bread? You've come to the right place," Esme called out as they entered the kitchen.

"This smells fantastic," Bella said, breathing in.

"That's because it is," Carlisle replied.

They all gathered around the table, and Bella sat and watched. She was comfortable around people who were effectively strangers. Breaking bread with the Cullens made her feel like a part of a family in a way she hadn't in a long time. Charlie did his best, and the Brandons were always polite, but family dinner was a seldom if ever sort of event. She got the distinct impression that for Edward and his parents, it was the center of their day, and she liked it.

"Pass the bread please, Bella," Carlisle said, his eyes twinkling. "You may be a guest, but that doesn't mean I'm letting you eat more than your fair share."

"No problem," she said and handed him the basket, realizing in a flash that picking Edward had the potential to be the best decision she'd ever made.


	11. Chapter Eleven: She Has a Hissy Fit

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish SM didn't own them either.

_**Chapter Eleven – She Has a Hissy Fit**_

"Is he a good kisser?" Alice asked, looking up from the delicate embroidery she'd been sewing along the hemline of a voluminous and frothy dress in preparation for the following weekend.

"I choose to plead the fifth," Bella replied, closing her book over her finger and flashing her friend an enigmatic smile.

The two girls had been holed up in Alice's bedroom for most of the afternoon, reading, sewing, laughing, and trying to catch up after the whirlwind two weeks that had passed since Edward had made such an impression on Forks. Bella was in her usual post, plopped against the umpteen pillows Alice insisted were necessary for her to sleep, and Alice was sitting on the end of the bed with various colors of thread encircling her and a frightening number of needles poking out from various places. They were listening to some strange CD that Edward had lent her for the day - he hadn't explained, just handed her the CD as he kissed her goodbye after their date the previous evening. It wasn't until Alice had turned it on that she realized it was something Alice would like…something _only_ Alice would like.

"That means one of two things. One…he's _awful_. But I rather doubt it. So that leads the second option. He's _amazing_ and it makes you all hot to think about it and you know talking about it will make you blush and you hate that and AHA!" she exclaimed as Bella's cheeks burned. "I knew it."

"Alice," Bella warned.

She wanted to scowl, but she couldn't quite make herself do it because the image that had come into her head when Alice had talked about being hot all over had not been Edward at all. Despite all of her efforts, the memory of the kiss she and Jasper had shared would sneak up on her, often at the worst possible times. More than once she'd been assaulted by remembrance while talking to Alice, and the guilt was enough to make her do almost anything. It was hard to keep something from her in general, much less something as monumental as a, quite frankly, really hot make-out session with her boyfriend.

Edward had agreed that telling Alice would create more problems than it caused, and that it wasn't her place to tell anyway. She may have responded, but it had been Jasper who had climbed into her window. And it had been Jasper who had taken advantage of her and kissed her. It was hard to think of it as having taken advantage given her enthusiastic response, but the idea of it still rang true to her.

"Hello…earth to Bella!" Alice giggled, waving her hand around spastically.

"Sorry."

"Where'd you go? Fantasizing about your new boy toy?"

"He's not a boy toy," Bella sighed.

"But you want him to be," Alice said, waggling her eyebrows.

"Mind your own business."

"When have I _ever_ done that?"

"Look, Edward is a great kisser. I like kissing him. Kissing him makes me feel like I'm more of myself. Are you happy?"

"He's totally had his hand up your shirt!"

"Alice!" Bella exclaimed, pelting an acid green satin pillow at her friend's head.

"Needles! I am surrounded by _needles_," Alice reminded her, brandishing a spool of thread in surrender.

"New subject," Bella ordered.

"I wish we could double," Alice sighed. "Edward seems like fun."

"Yes, well…I don't see that happening. On either account."

"Boys suck," Alice said, gathering up all her embroidery tools and pitching them in her sewing bucket before coming to flop back next to Bella at the top of the bed. "Why doesn't Edward like me?"

She'd tried to sound blasé, but Bella could hear the pout in her tone.

"He tries not to like anyone," she said, sliding down and staring at the ceiling. "He picked out this CD for today, though. It seems that even in all of his arrogant standoffishness he finds you irresistible."

"He should join the club," Alice laughed. "Seriously though. What's his deal?"

"I don't think I can say," Bella hedged. "He's so private about things that sometimes he barely tells _me_ what's going on in his head."

"I'm your best friend," she said, turning on her puss-in-boots face.

"No way," Bella said, scooting away. "Don't you even start that."

Alice's lower lip trembled.

"Fine. You tell me what J's deal is, and I'll tell you about Edward's."

"That's fighting dirty," Alice said.

"I learned from the best," Bella replied, elbowing her in the side playfully.

"I wish I could tell you. I really do, but I only know so much. And most of what I know is based on my own theorizing."

"Which is?"

"That's not fair, Bella," Alice whispered, strangely subdued. "Jasper is your friend. You should be talking to him about this."

"He hasn't been my friend in years."

"That's ridiculous."

"It's not, and you know it. How did things turn into such a mess?" Bella wondered, picking idly at the sleeve of the blue flannel she'd stolen from Edward.

Alice didn't say anything. For a long time they both stayed oddly still, listening to the CD Edward had made them and thinking their own thoughts, Bella mostly worried what Alice could be thinking…what her theories were. She wanted to know what her friend _suspected_.

She sighed. She knew that wasn't strictly true. She wanted what Alice suspected to be what she herself suspected. No matter how she'd tried to forget about her feelings for Jasper – no matter how hard she'd tried to convince herself she was an idiot for even having them – it wasn't that easy. There were times when she'd catch him glaring at her that she'd feel absolutely vindicated. There were times when Edward kissed her that she knew her decision had been the best of any possible options. But then there were times when she was lying in bed alone at night, wondering what the hell that note had said…wondering if _he_ felt as awful seeing her hold Edward's hand as she had when watching him and Alice together.

"So…I think Charlie might be seeing someone," she said, attempting to lighten the mood and distract them both.

It worked. Alice sat bolt upright, her mouth half open and her blue eyes wide. "Oh my god! Who? How do you know? Have you seen her? Tell me _everything_!"

"Woah…slow down," Bella laughed. "I don't know her name or anything. He's just gone late sometimes, and he's being more quiet even than normal. That means he has a secret and he can't talk without just blurting it out."

"I really hope he does. Your dad needs to get laid."

"Alice!" Bella yelled, again reaching for a pillow to beat her friend with. "If you try to talk to me about Charlie's sex-life I won't tell you _anything_."

"Fair enough. I just think it's crazy sad that he's been pretty much alone since your mom left. Well," she amended, fixing Bella with a glare. "Minus the Felicia fiasco."

"That wasn't my fault. I was _ten_!"

Alice just stared at her.

"She wanted to be my _mom_. I didn't want one because the last one _left me in a strange house and abandoned me_! Total justification."

"But she was so nice, Bella! And she really liked Charlie and Charlie really liked her…and she made the best fucking brownies of all time. AND!"

"No ands, Alice. Please. I still feel bad about it."

"But you think he's dating again?"

"Yeah. I'm not even close to positive. It's all mostly wild conjecture on my part, but last Friday I asked if he wanted to come have dinner with me at the Cullens house and he got all pink and said he was going fishing."

"Let's spy on him," Alice said, climbing to sit on her knees and clap her hands in excitement.

"No," Bella said sternly. "Absolutely not. I don't want him to start to think I'm uncomfortable if I'm right."

"He won't ever know," Alice wheedled.

"Yes he will. And you know it."

Alice opened her mouth to respond, but was interrupted by the ringing of a cell phone. Bella scrambled for it, but Alice was in a better position and propelled herself off the bed to get to it first.

"Bella Swan's house of kill-joy, how may I help you?"

"Alice, give me my phone," she hissed.

"I'm sorry, sir, Bella is unavailable for the moment. For the rest of the day, really. Kill-joy though she may be, she was _my_ kill-joy first, and _you_'ve been hogging her."

"Damnit," Bella grumbled, getting off the bed and advancing toward her friend.

"That may be, but I have her until at least seven. Unless, of course, you want to come over and hang out with us."

Bella froze. She knew Edward would say no, but she couldn't stop herself wondering if after the CD-incident that maybe he might prove her wrong. Alice's half-frown indicated that he wouldn't, and she couldn't help but be disappointed.

"Well," Alice said, "it's not _my_ fault that you can't share. And it's not my fault that you're an ass and won't hang out with me." She paused. "Fine. I'll ask her. Bye, butthead."

"Did you just call Edward a butthead?" Bella asked, her mouth quirking into a semi-grin.

"I only speak the truth," Alice sighed. "He says to tell you that he's thinking about taking a drive and he wanted to see if he could come and get you."

"Oh," she said. "Well, I'll…I'm just…Give me my phone. I've got to call him and tell him no."

"You should go, B," Alice said quietly. "I know you want to."

"I do. But I want to hang out with you too."

"So why can't it be both?"

"Because he's a butthead?"

"Yes, he really is," Alice said, no hint of a smile on her face.

"That's not fair."

"Yes it is, Bella. He's pulling you away from your friends and refusing to hang out with us. He's isolating you! I'm – "

"He's doing no such thing," Bella countered. "He encourages me to hang out with you guys and – "

"And then he calls half a day in and tries to lure you away!"

"So it's not ok when Edward interrupts girl time but it's fine when Jasper does it?" she demanded.

"Jasper doesn't do that! _Jasper_ will hang out with both of us!"

"I don't like hanging out with Jasper, and I think you know that."

"That's total bullshit, Bella. You hang out with him all the time."

"Not by choice, Alice. Not by choice! He's horrible to me. He's a total fucking douche to me almost all the time, and I _know_ you've seen it. But you don't mind when J just shows up and interrupts our time together, never mind the fact that I always leave as soon as he gets here."

"I always try to get you to stay."

"But you never try to make _him_ leave!"

"He's one of your best friends, Bella."

"He _used_ to be one of my best friends. I don't know what the hell he is anymore. I don't know if he's _anything_ anymore. But you don't want to talk about that."

"It's not my place to talk about it!"

"_You_ are supposed to be my best friend!"

"I know I am!" Alice exploded. "But that didn't stop you from making out with my boyfriend, did it?"

She blanched. "What?"

"God, Bella, Jasper told me everything! He told me he tried to apologize to you and that you got the wrong idea and I just…I know you've had a thing for him and everything, but I just thought you'd grow out of it and realize how ridiculous it was. I forgave you for it! I know you wouldn't do it to hurt me, and I know you've been confused and upset and clinging to Jasper because you're scared of how you feel about Edward. I _forgave_ you for kissing him. I was _going_ to let it go. And now you're going to stand there and get up on a fucking soap box and lecture me about friendship? Get off your fucking high horse!"

Bella just stared at her, unable to comprehend the words that were coming out of her friends mouth. "You knew?" she whispered. "You knew how I felt?"

"I'm not blind," Alice scoffed.

"Yes you are," Bella replied, immediately turning to gather her things.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm leaving," she said, ripping the CD out of Alice's player and stuffing it and her book in her bag.

"Give me a break, Bella. I told you I forgave you and – "

"I don't forgive you," she said simply, sliding into her moccasins and stalking out the door. She dialed Edward's number as she walked.

"Don't be such a baby. Come back. We'll talk about it!"

"Bella?" Edward asked.

"Come get me," she said simply.

"I'm on my way," he replied, and she heard the Volvo accelerating as he spoke.

She continued to ignore Alice as she stormed out the door, pulling the flannel more tightly around her as she walked.

"You are such a bitch," Alice screeched, halting her in her tracks.

"This is all I'm going to say to you," Bella said, turning slowly to face the second best friend she'd lost in her life. "I've felt horribly about what went down with Jasper since it happened…so badly that I told Edward about it the next day. I would give _anything _to go back in time and erase it. I'm sorry that it happened, Alice. _So_ sorry. And I should have told you. I would have, if I thought it would have done any good. But you never believe me.

"When it comes between Jasper and I, you're team J all the way. And that's fine. But the fact that you didn't even stop to consider his story? That you didn't even think about how strange it would be for Jasper to be coming to my house to _apologize_? That you didn't think it was weird that I miraculously forced myself on him when he's twice my size?"

Bella sucked in a huge breath in preparation to continue her ranting, but Edward chose that exact, opportune moment to pull up. Without another word, she stormed over to his car, getting in and slamming the door behind her. As he reversed, she didn't even bother to look up at Alice.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, reaching for her hand.

"In a minute," she said, biting down on her lip hard and fighting to fend off the pending onslaught of tears.

"My house or Lake Crescent?"

"Your house."

They drove in silence, Edward speeding worse than was normal even for him, and they arrived at his house in record time. She climbed slowly from the car, and he was by her side in seconds, slipping an arm around her waist and guiding her to the door.

"My parents aren't home," he said. "Do you want to maybe sit in the kitchen?"

"Your room," she said, and he immediately headed for the stairs.

As soon as they reached his door, she slid away from him, walking quickly to his bed and burrowing her way under the covers. He was at her side in an instant. Sliding in next to her and cradling her to his chest.

"What happened?"

"She knew. She knew all along."

"I know," he soothed.

"You knew?"

"I figured that she knew. She had to know."

"Then how could she do it?" Bella sobbed, her tears breaking through at last. "Why would she date him if she knew how I felt? Why would she be so incredibly affectionate around him if she knew what it was doing to me?"

"Because she's selfish and she thinks she knows best."

She opened her mouth to defend Alice, but no words came to her.

"I'm so sorry," he said, kissing her forehead gently and tightening his grip.

"He lied to her, just like we said he would. He told her he came to apologize and that I put the _moves_ on him."

Edward snorted.

"I _know_, right?" she sniffled. "Apparently she's gullible in addition to being a selfish know-it-all."

"How did this even start?"

"She was trying to say that I was picking you over her, and I pointed out that she has no problem picking Jasper over me."

"It's my fault," he sighed. "It's easier to see what's going on from the outside, and I was worried about you. You deserve better friends than that, Bella."

"I still kissed him back, though. I still did it, even though he was _her_ boyfriend. I'm still a bitch in this whole thing."

"True," he acknowledged.

"Then why do I feel so justified in my anger?"

"Because you _are_ justified in your anger. No one is going to be completely right or completely wrong here. You all contributed. You all kept your secrets."

"So how do I fix it? How do we undo what we did?"

"I don't know," he sighed. "I don't think you can."

"I'm so _angry_ at them both. But mostly at Alice, and I shouldn't be – when Jasper wanted her I did my best to block it, to keep it from happening."

"But you did it because you were young and scared. Alice has continued doing this for years. She thinks she knows better. She thinks she knows how it should all turn out and that those imaginary ends justify the means she's used. It's why she's been so incredibly stoked about you and me…about _us_."

"Ok Dr. Phil…"

"If you're going to mock me, I'm not going to help you," he warned, though a smile tugged at his lips.

"Defense-mechanism. Sorry."

"I know."

"Part of me feels like I should just tell them both everything and be done with them. To tell Jasper he broke my heart and Alice that she stomped on the remains with her heels."

Edward didn't say anything for a long minute. "What would happen though, Bella? What would happen if Jasper told you how wrong he was, that he liked you too? What would happen if he came clean about what everyone else suspects?"

"Nothing," she said too quickly, earning her a set of incredulously raised eyebrows. "I mean, I don't know. I'd maybe feel vindicated. I'd maybe be able to forgive how he acted for so long…to some extent. But I don't…I don't think it would change anything. Too much has happened. He was too big of an ass."

"You're sure you don't want him?

Bella heard the insecurity in his voice, that tiny thread of fear that wove through his rational, level-headed advice. "I want him less and less every day," she said, burrowing her face into his shoulder. "And I want you more and more."

"I'm sorry for being jealous," he whispered into her hair.

"If I could go back in time and just erase how I felt about Jasper, I'd do it. I'd have waited around for _this_," she said, her hand clutching at him.

"So, I was thinking that we should do something next weekend," he said after a pause, his voice deliberately upbeat.

"Well, I'm apparently not going to have any other plans. What'd you have in mind?"

"Well…"

"Edward Cullen," she said, horrified. "There's a dance next weekend!"

"Yes. There is."

"I don't dance."

"Oh thank _God_," he exhaled. "I was afraid you'd want to go."

"Have you lost your _mind_?"

"I've seen the pictures in your living room," he pointed out.

"Alice always makes me go, but that's not going to be an issue this time." She rolled her eyes, but the words still sent a tiny dagger of pain through her middle.

"I was wondering if maybe you wanted to have a day trip. Seattle, or Portland maybe?"

"Portland," she said immediately, surprising herself.

"Really?" he asked.

"Yeah," she said, blushing. The thought of three hours in the car with Edward was incredibly appealing, as was the idea of getting as far away from Forks as possible. "I could use a trip to Powell's."

"Seattle has Elliott Bay Books," he pointed out. "Right by the Market, too. And there's Red Robin and freckled lemonade and saltwater taffy – "

"If you wanted to go to Seattle why did you even ask?" she laughed, punching his arm playfully.

"I just wanted to make sure you'd considered all of your options."

"I'll make you a deal," she said. "We can go to Seattle next weekend if we go to Portland the week after."

"Deal."

"Why'd you want to go to Seattle."

He shifted a little awkwardly and blushed. "Ok, so my dad's roadster needs to go into the shop. If we go, I get to drive it over."

"How will we get around?"

"Umm…they'll provide a driver," he mumbled

She raised an eyebrow. "You're serious, aren't you."

"He can just drop us off down by Pioneer Square. That's where we'll be hanging out anyway," he said defensively.

"I've never been in a car with a driver."

"What are you talking about? I hardly ever see you drive anywhere."

"That's not the same!"

"Is."

"Isn't!"

"Is."

"I hate you."

"You don't."

"I do."

"You don't."

Bella was about to protest again before she rolled her eyes and leaned back against the pillows in a huff. "Nice job with the distracting," she grumbled.

"I thought so."

"Now I'm thinking about it again. I'm sick of thinking about it."

"Time for Plan A."

"Plan A?" she asked.

"Plan B was the talking. Plan A is the kissing."

"Shouldn't those be reversed?" she asked with a smile.

"Kissing should never be Plan B," he said, sliding his hands up her neck into her hair and leaning in.

There was no time for witty comebacks. His lips pressed firmly against hers, and, as always, she found herself melting into him. She kissed him back, toying with the ends of his thick hair and readying herself for the same sort of gentle make-out sessions he seemed so fond of. She was surprised when his hands slid down her back, stopping at her waist to pull her tightly against him. His leg hooked around one of hers, tangling them together as one hand slid to the skin of her stomach, sliding slowly up her shirt and stopping just below the underwire of her bra.

Bella gasped into his mouth, moving her hands to his back so that she could press herself even closer to him. Goosebumps spread over her skin and a low moan escaped her when his hand slid further up and cupped her breast as he sucked her bottom lip into his mouth. Her fingers dug into his back as his mouth trailed across her jaw and to her neck. Every part of her seemed to light up when he touched it. He moved so that he was on top of her, and she arched upward, still needing the feel of their bodies tangled together.

Edward's hands were just beginning to tug at the hem of her shirt when Bella got the prickly feeling at the back of her neck that meant someone was watching them, and she pushed him off of her in horror. He hit the floor hard just as an amused voice spoke from the doorway.

"Well, now we know why the door was shut."


	12. Chapter Twelve: She Goes on an Adventure

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish SM didn't own them either.

_**Chapter Twelve – She Goes on an Adventure**_

Bella fought the urge to hide under the comforter, instead pulling the soft flannel of the duvet up to her chin and trying to get her breathing under control. Though she could hear their amused chuckles, she couldn't make herself so much as glance in Carlisle and Esme's direction. Edward's hands appeared on the edge of the bed as he hoisted himself up from the floor, shaking his head exasperatedly at her. She did hide her face when she saw his finger-sexed hair, red cheeks, and unnaturally bright eyes.

"Haven't you two heard of knocking?" he demanded, earning him a scandalized glare.

"We didn't realize you had a guest," Esme said lightly.

Edward scoffed, rolling his eyes and climbing onto the bed, sliding an arm around Bella once he was situated.

It was hard not to cringe away from him, knowing full well that his parents had just caught her with their son's hand up her shirt. Still, the light pressure of his arm holding her to him had the same calming effect it always had. Even though a blush had likely turned her into a very-embarrassed looking lobster, she found herself relaxing despite the horror of the situation.

"We warned you no locked doors," Carlisle said, though his stern tone was undermined by the grin he was fighting.

"It wasn't _locked_," Edward said obstinately. "And you aren't supposed to be home."

"We came home early to see if perhaps you and Bella would like to have an adventure," Esme laughed. "Little did we know you were already on one."

"Mother!" Edward growled.

"I'm sorry, but you do not get to be offended at me now, my pet."

"Says who?"

"Edward," Carlisle interjected. "We don't have to speak of this again, but there are rules. Rules you have been made aware of several times in the past."

Bella tensed at that statement, remembering Edward's supposedly hideous past girlfriends.

"And her father is the chief of police," Esme reminded him, shooting an indulgent smile at Bella, who could still barely look at her. "I know how male family members are. You don't need to spend a night in the…oh what's the word?"

"The pokie?" Bella asked, startling even herself.

Both of Edward's parents broke into laughter, causing him to scowl at her in annoyance. "Traitor," he whispered so quietly she barely heard.

"Yes, in the pokie. I do not want to have to bail my baby out one night."

"If this is some sort of cruel payback for – "

"It isn't," Carlisle assured.

"Now about this adventure," Esme reminded them.

"If it involves antiques and fields of lavender, we aren't interested."

"So cranky today. No antiques or flower festivals. We were thinking of taking a trip to the beach and roasting hot dogs."

"It'll be awfully windy," Bella warned quietly.

"That is why it is an adventure!" Esme exclaimed. "I have blankets and coats and boots. And there will be romantic fire and music – "

"Not that you two need the fire for – "

"Dad! I expect those cracks from her but – "

"Do you want to brave the elements and have a marvelous evening or sit at home and mope?" Esme asked, pouting at her son.

"Alone," Carlisle added. "And don't even think about arguing with me."

"I'd like to go," Bella said, hoping to head off a fight.

"Then we'll go," Edward sighed, running a hand through his hair and shooting his mother an annoyed glance. "We'll be downstairs in a bit."

"I'm leaving the door open," Carlisle said.

"Fine."

"And it will _stay_ open, Edward."

"Yes, sir."

"We'll leave in an hour and a half or so."

"Super."

"And if you keep being such a smart-ass, we will listen to Wagner the whole way," Esme teased as they disappeared out the door and down the stairs.

"I'm so sorry," Edward whispered, hugging her to his chest. "I didn't think they'd be home and I got carried away and…I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry for pitching you off the bed."

"You should be. That _hurt_."

"I was surprised! And your hand was up my shirt and _you_ didn't notice them!"

"They did it on purpose. My mom thinks it's hysterical."

"To catch you in a compromising position?" Bella asked.

"Yes. It was like a hobby back in Seattle. This one time…Oh fuck."

"Exactly," she said with a grim smile, sliding out of his embrace to look at him.

"I..umm…well, shit."

"I should have known by the way you touched me that it wasn't the first time you'd…I mean…" Bella trailed off, embarrassed.

"Do you really want to know about that stuff?" he asked her, gripping her hands as his mouth formed a serious line.

"No. And yes," she admitted. "The idea of you having been with someone else is…bothersome."

"I've only, erm, _been_ with one person Bella. I've kissed other girls, and my parents have walked in on some heavy make-out sessions, but I've only had sex with one girl and it was a disaster."

"A disaster?" she asked, curious.

"The first few times were fine and all," he said, rubbing the back of his neck and looking away from her. "But the time we got caught was the time…it was the disaster."

"What happened? Who _was_ she?" Bella asked, even though she was fairly sure she didn't _really_ want to know. Her inner-gossip – cultivated for so long by Alice and Emmett – got to her, though.

"Her name was Morgan."

"Was she blonde? Bet she was blonde," Bella mumbled.

"Don't be ridiculous. She and I'd been dating for a while and we were…well…"

"Doing it?"

"Shut up," he groaned. "We were, and then, all of a sudden, she said my dad's name."

"_What_?" Bella gasped. "Are you shitting me?"

"I wish I was. She just shouted his name – "

"Oh my God."

"And then she did it again."

"Oh my _God!_"

"I didn't realize my parents were home, and my bedroom was on the same floor as theirs in the Seattle house. I kept trying to get her to just shut the hell up…and then in busted my dad."

"Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy _shit_."

"Well, she _had_ been calling for him," Edward said, shaking his head as his eyes looked up..

"Most embarrassing story ever. I don't believe it for a second."

"Believe it."

"Why on _earth_ would she be shouting your dad's name?"

"It turns out that she had this crazy _American Beauty_-esque fantasy thing going. I don't know. We broke up about five seconds after my dad walked out laughing uncomfortably."

"How did you not know they were home?"

"I was a little pre-occupied," he said, his crooked grin stretching wide.

"This is too fantastical to be real."

"We can ask my dad about it if you want."

"What?" she asked, flushing pink. "No!"

"How 'bout my mom? She still thinks it's the funniest thing ever."

"Are you trying to make your parents think I'm a psycho?" she demanded. She saw the beginnings of his crooked gin and poked his side. "Don't even say it."

"What?" he asked innocently.

"You were going to make a comment about how they already think I'm easy, weren't you?"

"I was going to say no such thing!"

"You are so full of crap."

"Do you need a jacket for the beach?" he asked, abruptly switching to a safer topic, something she'd noticed was a bit of a habit with him.

"I have your flannel," she said.

"Come here," he said, pulling her off the bed.

He led her to his closet. Walking in, she inhaled deeply. Edward's smell was just so very _Edward_. Sure, there were the traditional boy smells – bar soap and cedars and the faintest hint of engine oil – but underneath them there was the distinct scent of the fancy blue Downy fabric softener. It never failed to make her smile. She waited patiently in the middle, hopping up on to the large island-dresser in the middle as he dug through a box in the corner.

"Here," he said, tossing her a black and gray flannel with a thick, padded lining.

"_More_ flannel?"

"I like what I like," he shrugged.

"You like what you like _a lot_."

"Fine, I'll take it back," he said, moving to snatch it away from her.

"No!" she argued and clutched it to her chest. "I like it."

"Good. Come on. If someone doesn't supervise, my mom will end up packing a five course meal in antique baskets for this little sojourn."

"_I_ wouldn't complain," Bella said, hopping on to Edward's back as he carried her from the room and down his stairs.

"Well, when you are seven years old and eating involtini and pumpkin soup, you learn to appreciate good old fashioned American processed deliciousness."

"I'll make you all the deliciously processed food your stomach can handle. You can…you can come have dinner with me and my dad." Her words came slowly, and, had she not been clutching his shoulders to keep from falling, she would have been clenching her hands together in anticipation of his answer.

"Well…" he said, pausing mid-step for a split second, "what kind of processed are we talking here?"

"Ummm…green rice made with cheese whiz? Meat-loaf filled out with saltines? Whatever you want?"

"Deal," he said, and she wished she could have seen his face when he said it.

They rounded the corner into the kitchen, and Bella was grateful when Edward dropped her on the blue granite of the island - it was awkward clinging to his back and feeling his long fingers holding her legs wrapped tightly around his waist in front of his parents so soon after they'd walked in. She sat, her heels bumping against the wood cabinetry below, and Edward leaned back against the counter next to her.

"So when is the adventure commencing?" he asked.

"As soon as your mother figures out how to put the contents of the pantry into the picnic hamper," Carlisle joked, dodging the dish rag Esme pitched at him.

"Damn you and your feline reflexes," she chuckled, brandishing a baguette at him.

"Woah, woah…what's with the French loaf? I was promised hot dogs. Hot dogs and cheap white buns and plain yellow mustard!"

"Well," Esme said, "I was thinking perhaps Bella might prefer – "

"Bella would prefer hotdogs," Edward interrupted with a glare.

"Who could prefer hot dogs to deliciously home baked baguettes and goat cheese and Greek olives and – "

"You can't roast Greek olives over a beach fire."

Bella couldn't stop the tiny laugh that escaped her, and she clapped her hands over her mouth when Esme shot her an amused look.

"But you can melt the cheese over the toast and then – "

"Mommm," Edward whined, giving her a very clear pout.

"Do not try that face with me, mister – "

"My love, I think Edward may be right. We should keep it simple. You'll be able to enjoy the beach more that way."

"See. What he said."

Esme started mumbling under her breath in rapid Italian, and Edward and Carlisle both rolled their eyes.

"Some hot dogs aren't going to kill you, mom," Edward said.

"When my stomach is in agonies, I am coming to your room in order to be vomiting."

"Her English gets all messed up when she's mad," Edward said in a low voice.

"But my ears…they are as good as ever."

"If we don't hurry we'll miss low tide," Bella said in hopes of a distraction.

Carlisle smiled gratefully at her, and she shyly returned his grin, eliciting a scowl from Edward.

"I'm not the rose petals type," she said, leaning down to whisper into his ear. A blush crept up his neck at her reference to his earlier _American Beauty_ comment, and her grin spread wider.

His ears turned pink and she ruffled his hair playfully. He leaned up to place a soft kiss on her forehead, and it was her turn to blush when she was reminded that they weren't alone. She cursed her pale skin as she felt the heat take residence in her cheeks. Fortunately, no one made any comments, and the rest of the meal was packed quickly while the Cullens all called out reminders of things to bring.

Once all of the necessities had been sorted, everyone headed toward the garage and piled into a silver Volvo SUV. Edward's hand immediately reached for hers, and she smiled as she gave it to him. Her smile broadened when she saw Carlisle with one hand on the wheel and his other hand clasped to his wife's on top of the gearshift.

The drive was filled with friendly chatter. Bella told everyone about the town and who lived in what house and who ran what business and who was employed in which store. Carlisle chatted about his work at the hospital and about the logger whose life he saved that afternoon when a tree had crushed his leg. Esme ordered the gore to cease and chatted about her plans for the gardens surrounding the house. Edward just watched her, a half-smile on his face as he played with her fingers and toyed with the thin jade bracelet Alice had given her for her last birthday.

It was enough to pull her out of the easy bliss she'd let herself fall into. Her fight with Alice crept into her mind slowly, with each cool touch of the jade to her skin. Every little bump made her think of a cruel thing she'd said. Every little jiggle made her think of another cruel thing she could have said…and wished she had.

Sensing that she had slipped away, Edward stopped his fiddling and squeezed her hand. The pressure was reassuring, and she felt grounded once more. Her smile was grateful as she met his concerned eyes, the green darker and more intense in the confines of the SUV. His fingers untangled themselves from hers and his slid his arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer to him.

"Where'd you go?" he whispered.

"Nowhere good."

"Glad you're back."

"Me too."

They pulled into the lot of Ruby Beach, and Bella smiled at the choice. Ruby wasn't as close to Forks as La Push, but she'd always found its sea stacks infinitely superior. When Carlisle had parked, Bella climbed from the door he opened from her. The sound of the waves roared over her and the salty air had her grinning in satisfied contentment. Looking around, she noticed only a few cars – tourist cars – meaning that the beach would soon be empty. She offered to help carry picnic hampers and campers, but Esme and Carlisle shooed her away with a smile.

"Want a lift?" Edward asked, gesturing at his back.

She eyed him speculatively. "I don't think so. The trail down is steep and muddy."

"You think I'd drop you?"

"I think you don't know the path well enough to risk it," she countered.

"I'm kind of insulted here."

"Oh, please. I've seen people lose their footing on the path down more times than I can count. Plus, you have to climb over all the drift logs on the way out and we'll probably have to push ourselves through the brush since it isn't really tourist season around here right now."

"I told you it would be an adventure," Esme said, sliding her free arm around her son.

"Yeah, danger's lurking around every turn out here in the middle of nowhere," he replied, rolling his eyes and stepping away from his mother.

"One time there was a black bear sitting in the path," Bella said, fighting back a smile when his forehead crinkled and his mouth twitched into a concerned frown.

"A bear?"

"Sure. They're all around. They like to be near the ocean because the fishing is good. Lots of salmon fighting their way out."

Edward blanched, looking nervously toward the woods that surrounded them, and she had to fight back a laugh. Carlisle had already turned away, his shoulders shaking, and Esme was biting on her lip to keep from smiling.

"But they won't come near humans," Edward said, still scanning the tree-line.

"It depends. The tourists leave food around and in the trashcans," she said gesturing toward the large green trashcan on its wooden stand. "And they're used to people now. We don't scare them so much."

"The other day, one of the doctor's at the hospital told me about a bear mauling from a few years ago," Carlisle said, his poker face back in play.

"Maybe we shouldn't…" Edward trailed off as he turned around and caught sight of Bella, now having to fight to keep from laughing. "Oh screw _all_ of you."

"You…should have…seen your…_face_," Bella laughed, bending over and fighting for breath.

"My poor baby is scared of the little bears," Esme giggled.

"I wasn't kidding about the bear attack, though," Carlisle said seriously. "So be careful."

"Oh, Carlisle, don't be ridiculous. That bear attack was caused by a bunch of college guys coming up here to go camping, passing out drunk, and leaving ground beef and hot dogs and buns and all sorts of food just out in the open. And one of them was still drunk enough to try to _fight_ the bear for their food."

Carlisle choked on a laugh. "Are you serious?"

"Ask Charlie," Bella said. "And the kid was fine. His buddies threw the rest of their food at the bear o distract it. By the time everyone got out there, the bear was munching on potato chips and hot dogs and the guys were locked in their SUV. It was a bunch of stitching and a couple gashes on his face. Hardly a _mauling_."

"This wilderness living…it is so quaint," Esme smiled.

"Only _you_ would find _bear attacks _to be _quaint_," Edward mumbled.

Bella smiled as he stomped over to her and grabbed her hand, pulling her toward the trail. He paused at the overlook, and she smiled as a smile broke over his features.

"Wow," he exhaled, tugging her into his side as he surveyed the wild, untamed beauty of the beach that spread out before them. "It looks like a beach for giants."

She just nodded, taking in his analogy as she truly appreciated the sheer scale of the beach for the first time. From the giant stacks to the huge driftwood logs piled in equally huge stacks to the enormous waves crashing against the endless expanse of gray sand. Even the high cliffs with their huge trees perched on the edge and the size of the smooth rocks lining their bottoms seemed too big to have been meant for mere humans.

"I want to build a house right here," Esme sighed from behind them, startling them out of their reverie. "A house made of nothing but glass."

Carlisle smiled indulgently. "Perhaps in a year or so when you're bored of the house now we'll look for some property right on the coast. You can start from scratch, though I might have to put my foot down when it comes to glass walls."

"Come, my darlings, the ocean is calling us closer."

Bella led the way toward the beach. Every step of the path was familiar, from the tiny drop that came after the log that had buried its way into the mud during a storm when she was ten to the stubborn tree whose roots reached across the trail. Luckily the brambles at the bottom had been trimmed down, and she was able to push her way through to the beach without scratching her face. She traipsed through the sand, the Cullens falling her in a single file, stepping over logs and walking carefully on the piles of flat, smooth rocks that had accumulated.

She headed away from the ocean after convincing Esme that the tides at Ruby were too unpredictable to spread a blanket close to the water. A smile came unbidden as she remembered the time she and Jasper had been trying to sketch a starfish for the ecology session of their seventh grade science class and a huge wave had come out of nowhere, knocking them off their feet and soaking them both, not to mention ruining an hour's worth of drawings.

"What are you grinning at?" Edward asked when they stopped.

"What? Nothing," she said quickly.

They stood to the side, watching Esme spread out a collection of plaid blankets and weigh them down with some of the rocks scattered around.

"We're going for a walk," Edward announced.

"Of course. Return with a sand dollar, si?"

"Si," Edward chuckled, already walking away.

"Won't they need help?"

"Nope. Dad will build a fire, mom'll coo over how manly he is, and then they'll probably make-out like twelve year olds."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. Now tell me what you were smiling at."

"Edward, it was nothing."

"It wasn't. I need you to know that you can talk about him. I don't…I don't want to be like he was. I want you to feel comfortable telling me about him. He was important to you."

Her mind automatically corrected his sentence to present tense and she frowned, pushing it back to the dark recesses of her mind where it belonged. "I know. But I know you don't like him. And you get upset when I talk about all of that."

"Because he's a fucking douchetastic asshole."

"You kiss your mother with that mouth?"

Her hair was flying wildly around her, and she wished that she'd been smart enough to grab something to hold it back from her bag. The wind was chilly, but Edward's flannel was warm and she pulled it tight around her. She met his eyes, their seriousness causing her to bite chew on her lip in concern.

"Stop trying to distract me, Bella."

"I was thinking about my seventh grade science project," she admitted, stalling for time.

"Your seventh grade – "

"Yes. Jasper and I were sitting right over there," she said, pointing toward a large collection of rocks butting up to the large, island like sea-stack at the water's edge. "We were drawing a starfish and the tide came from nowhere. He told our teacher the ocean ate our homework."

"And how did that go?"

"Surprisingly well," she chuckled.

"See, was that so hard?"

"I guess now. But that was something small."

"And you've already told me all the big stuff, right?"

"Yes," she said.

"Bella."

"What?"

"I know you still like him. You were right that it won't just go away. I know that."

"I wish it would."

"Me too," he sighed, bending down to kiss the top of her head. "It's a total mood killer."

"I just…" She paused to formulate her thoughts, ignoring his attempt at a joke. "They were both my best friends. And, like I said, Alice hurts more. I can't not think about it. I can't help being bummed out by it."

"Because you stepped aside and didn't say anything about her relationship with Jasper?"

"Well, yeah, that…but that's not really the main reason I was so mad. I mean, fine, Jasper wants to be with her and she likes him, it would be pretty ass of me to step in the way. What makes me so mad is that she acted like it was fine to flaunt it, that it was ok to _know_ how I felt but think that I was an idiot for feeling it and…she's a know-it-all, and now I'm the one having to deal with the fact that she didn't get it this time. Stupid things remind me of it, like you playing with my bracelet in the car."

"I think she's probably upset, too."

"Probably not. She's probably channeled it all into some ridiculous garment she'll show up to school in on Monday and then she won't care anymore because of the gorgeous creation she'll have made. She's weird that way."

"Want me to pee in her gas tank?"

"Yes. Please. _Please_ pee in her gas tank."

"Your wish is my command," he grinned.

"Ok, not really," she said, grabbing at his arm as he started walking away. "Edward, _not really_!"

"Fine, ruin all my fun. But I'd do it if you really wanted me to."

"I know you would. And I'll make it up to you."

"Oh really?" he asked, eyebrows raised.

"Shut up and come on," she scolded, directing him back toward the campfire. "I want to see your mom try to roast olives over a campfire."

"What?" he demanded.

"Didn't you see her stick them in the basket? I think she meant to prove a point but…"

His laughter was infectious and she couldn't help the giggle that escaped her. She'd laughed more in the last few weeks than she felt like she'd laughed in months. Her laughter only deepened when Edward scooped her up, tossing her over his shoulder and heading back to his parents despite her repeated squeals and demands to be let down. A blush lit up her whole face when he shushed her, steadying her with a hand on her butt. The sudden ease with which he had been touching her counteracted her embarrassment.

When he plopped her down on the blanket, she was still laughing…laughter that would continue for the rest of her night.


	13. Chapter Thirteen: It's a Risky Business

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish SM didn't own them either.

_**Chapter Thirteen – She Realizes It's a Risky Business**_

Bella walked into Mr. Varner's classroom a few minutes early after ditching her first two periods, dropping Edward's hand as soon as they entered.

"Um, Mr. Varner?"

"What can I do for you, Miss Swan?"

"Well, I'm really sorry about the last few days. I find Alice to be super distracting during class, and so, um, I was hoping I could just switch seats with Jasper?"

He paused, leaning back in his desk chair as his eyes shot in Edward's direction. "Are you sure this isn't a thinly veiled attempt to sit next to your boyfriend, Miss Swan?"

"No," she said quickly, shaking her head vehemently. "Even if you don't let me sit with Edward, I don't want to sit by Alice anymore. Or Jasper."

"Alright. I'll switch you. But!" he said, as she moved to sit next to Edward, "Any more problems from you and I'll rearrange the whole seating chart. Understood?"

"Yes, sir," she replied, slipping next to Edward who immediately placed his hand on her knee.

She flipped open her notebook and slid her textbook in front of her. Her pencil tapped against the deck, and her eyes focused in on each tiny tap of her pink eraser against the dull black surface of the desk. Everything about her was tense as she refused to look at the clock…refused to count down the seconds to her doom.

Edward's hand slammed down on the pencil. "That's annoying as hell."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Chill the fuck out, Bella," he replied as she jumped in her seat when Mike Newton and Jessica Stanley stomped into the classroom.

"Can it, you," she grumbled, hunching over and letting her hair fall to either side of her face.

Instead of the clever comeback she expected, he simply stared at her and frowned. His fingers buried themselves in his hair as he inhaled heavily. Suddenly, she felt awful.

"You're right, and I'm sorry," she sighed.

Her hand had just reached for his when the door opened again. Edward stiffened and Bella automatically flinched, not even having to look to see who stood in the doorway. Jasper and Alice approached her side. Jasper wore his usual uniform and usual scowl. Alice, though, was head to toe in black, from her knee high boots, black tights and pencil skirt to her shredded black peasant blouse and black leather jacket.

"You're sitting in my seat," he said, staring down at her.

At first she froze, her mouth hanging open as she tried to remember what to say. A small squeeze of her hand was enough to remind her.

"Mr. Varner switched us," she said, grateful that her voice had only trembled a little bit.

"But why?" Alice asked.

Meeting Alice's eyes was easier. It was easier to feel anger and betrayal than it was with Jasper, pathetic though that was. "Because you're a distraction," she said, simply.

"You are such a – "

"Mr. Hale, that is _enough_. Take your new seat with Miss Brandon."

"What if I can't see the board?" Jasper asked, placing his hand on the edge of the desk and leaning on it, still not looking away from Bella.

"Then I'd be happy to relocate you to another, closer seat, Mr. Hale. However, considering you voluntarily sat in the second desk to the back, well…"

Alice tugged on his arm, glancing nervously between Mr. Varner and Edward, both of whom were staring him down. Bella, however, kept her eyes resolutely forward.

"Fine," Jasper agreed, standing and stalking to her former seat, collapsing into it in a huff.

"All right, let's move on to Chapter Thirteen. I'll be lecturing, you'll be listening. Any problems and, well…let's not have any more problems today, ok people?"

The class snickered, even Edward, as they all sent darting glances between Bella and her former friends. She felt her entire face flame up as she ducked down into her seat. As bad as this business with Jasper and Alice was, it was even _worse_ when they were playing it out in a fishbowl.

For the entirety of the hour long class, Bella took notes, answered when called upon, and only looked Edward's way when he was diagramming a problem she didn't particularly understand. Never once did she turn to look over her shoulder, despite the eyes she felt boring into her back. But she wasn't going to let him affect her. For a split second she wished that she'd had Edward switch seats with Alice, but it was better this way. She couldn't see him unless she looked, something she refused to do. Instead, she stayed as calm as she knew how and had, quite possibly, the most normal math experience yet. Not until the bell rang did her focus stray from her books. Confidence restored, she slipped on her coat and allowed Edward to guide her out into the overcast afternoon.

"Where do you want to eat?" he asked.

"Well, we have to stay on campus. We already blew off English and History."

"Whose fault was that?"

"I needed a game-plan!"

"And what an excellent game-plan it was," he said, hugging her to his side and kissing the top of her head. "You were amazing in there."

"I acted like a five year old faced with the bogeyman."

"Maybe at first you did," he chuckled, "but you hung in there. You should have seen Jasper's face. I thought he was going to deck me!"

"Deck _you_?" she questioned. "But – "

"He's blaming me. No way does he think you'd be able to do this all on your own."

She stopped mid step, tugging him to a halt as well. "I wouldn't have. You know that right? If it weren't for you, for us, I'd still be sitting at that table and I'd never have tried any of this."

"Don't be ridiculous, Bella. All of this? It was a catalyst. _You_ made it happen."

"Can we eat lunch in the library?" she said, needing the subject changed before her whole face lit up pink. "I'm not quite ready for any kind of a showdown."

"Absolutely," he said, taking her hand again and following her to the tiny room that had become their hiding place.

When Edward swung the door open for her, he did a double take at the small table in the room. Bella's gaze followed his eyes, and she sucked in a breath when she saw Alice sitting there, lunch spread out, waiting for them as they stepped into the room.

"Um, I thought maybe we could talk this out over food. I brought your favorites," she said, gesturing at the avocados, mangos. and assorted other treats Bella adored but was too frugal to treat herself to. It was a dirty trick.

"Something tells me that talking to you would spoil my appetite," Bella scoffed, trying to let none of her shock at what had just left her mouth show.

"You don't mean that," Alice whispered, shrinking down in her chair.

"Yeah, I do."

"But, Bella – "

"Don't you start that with me, Alice. Don't you start!" Bella exclaimed, stamping her foot.

"I didn't – "

"Yes you did! You know _exactly_ what you're doing. You're pouting and acting all sad and defeated to _make me feel guilty_! I'll feel _bad_ and stupid like I've hurt you and then you'll get me to agree to whatever you want! You don't feel _bad_. You don't feel anything! You don't want to work _anything_ out! You want things to go right back to how they were before!"

Alice slapped her hand down on the table. "And? And what if I do? What exactly was _wrong_ with how things were before?" she demanded.

"Oh, Alice," Bella sighed. "Everything was wrong with it. _Everything_." She turned away, reaching for Edward's hand and pulling him in the direction of the picnic table out front.

"Um, Bella, it's raining," he said, pulling up both their hoods.

"I know."

"And, um, the table is occupato."

"I know that, too."

"So – "

"Hey, Jasper!" she called, letting go of Edward and jogging over to his soaked form.

Edward hovered a few feet away, and she held out her hand for him.

"What?" Jasper asked, not opening his eyes or making any move to sit up off the table top.

"Nothing. Alice is in the library waiting for you."

His forehead crinkled. "She said she was having lunch with you."

"And I told her she wasn't. See ya."

She was about to start walking away when she felt a hand on her shoulder. "Bella?" Jasper asked, his voice stone-dead sober.

"What?" she asked slowly, cautiously.

"I need to talk to Edward."

"No," she said immediately.

"I promise not to hurt your boy toy, B," he said, eyes narrowing.

Her mouth opened in preparation for another denial when Edward spoke up.

"I'll be fine, Bella," he said, tossing her the keys to his Volvo.

She caught the keys with a frown. "If he's talking, I'm staying."

"Bella," both boys spoke, one exasperated and one pleading. They shot each other annoyed glares.

"You can play with the toasty-ass feature, ok?"

"Fine," she huffed after a long pause. "I'll wait in the car."

She backed away slowly, thinking that she'd wait in the car and then Edward would tell her every word that was said. She continued to walk backward so that she could see them. When it became clear that neither was going to start talking, let alone look at the other, until she was safely ensconced in the Volvo.

Closing the door with the click and starting the engine, she immediately turned on the wipers so that she could try to see through the drizzle obscuring her view. Her fingers tapped anxiously against the dash as she leaned forward, watching. It was probably better that if those two were going to have a chat, it was when she had the power to supervise them – when she knew they wouldn't get into a fight.

The thought had her sinking back into her seat and burying her face in her hands. It was beyond ridiculous to even think about such a thing. She knew Jasper was scrappy, but she seriously doubted Edward was the type to engage in a physical altercation, especially over a girl – especially over a girl he'd only known a few weeks. The idea of getting out of the car, marching up to Jasper, and punching him in the face herself was becoming more and more appealing all the time

When she looked up, Edward was walking back toward the car, head ducked down, hands in his pockets, and a frustrated grimace twisting his features. Bella turned her attention to Jasper just in time to see him smirk and head back inside. The door opened and Edward collapsed into the driver's seat

"Well?" she demanded.

"I'm not supposed to tell you," he said, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back against the headrest.

"Like you give a shit what he said."

"Why do you?"

"Because I know it was about me."

"If I asked you, right now, to forget about it, come home with me, and eat some baked goods…"

"I'd say sure. Minus the forgetting part."

His hands buried themselves in his hair. "He told me that if I hurt you he'd run me over with my own car."

Bella gulped. "He said that?" she asked, her mind igniting with possibilities.

"Yeah, he said it."

"Oh. Ok."

"You know he's trying to start shit right? You know he's fucking with your head."

"Yes," she whispered.

Jasper was fucking with her head. He was fucking with her head because he knew that Edward would tell her what he'd said. He _knew_ that she'd made a stand and he was trying to undermine it. Bella was well aware that Edward knew all of that, too. She also knew that Edward had no idea that Jasper would never have come up with the idea if he hadn't already been contemplating it.

"He is such a fucking manipulative prick," Edward groaned when he met her eyes. "How can you…"

"How can I what, Edward?"

"Nothing."

"No, not nothing. How can I what?" she demanded.

"I don't want to start a fight, Bella. I'm sorry."

"Not telling me what you were thinking is going to start one! I don't get that luxury!"

"How the hell can you stand up for yourself with me and not him? It's fine to pick fights with me…to make me feel like an asshole, but your sainted Jasper just gets a pass?"

"That's not fair, Edward!"

"No shit!"

Her mouth pinched into a thin line. She stared out the window, taking several deep breaths before moving her hand to the door handle.

"I know it doesn't make a difference right now, but I warned you that this was going to take time. I _tried_ to get you to wait before we jumped into anything because I am still so screwed up over Jasper. I'm getting better, and I owe so much of that to you, but it takes _time_. And you can't do it for me…some of it I'm going to have to come to myself."

He sat in stony silence, not even looking at her.

"I knew he was messing with my head all on my own, you know. And I could have figured out the manipulative asshole stuff on my own too if you hadn't had to jump in. I pick fights with you because I thought we were comfortable enough – _open_ enough – with each other that I could be myself and tell you how I felt. I'm so sorry that's not true…that I can't be the Bella you want me to be."

She didn't hesitate to pull the handle and push open the door. She shut it with a quiet click, shouldering her bag and walking back toward the school. When she glanced over her shoulder, she saw him with his head resting against the steering wheel. She wanted to run back to the car and hug him and tell him she was sorry and she'd forget about Jasper because he was worth it.

God, he was worth it. She knew he was worth it, but that didn't mean she was going to stick herself in the same situation she'd been in for the last four years. She'd been right in the car, she knew it. Edward was trying to _fix_ her, and that did no one anyone good. She had to figure out the entire mess on her own if she had any hope of ever getting over Jasper and being sure of her decision again.

Biology was almost empty when she walked in, and the growl of her stomach reminded her that lunch wasn't quite over yet. She dug through her bag for her only slightly squashed peanut butter sandwich and ate it slowly, eyes glued to her desk. Even though she knew she was right, she felt badly for her reaction to Edward. She'd been right, but that didn't make what she was putting him through any more ok.

He was the very last student to walk into the room, and he dumped his bag next to her. His seat was pushed as far from her as possible, and she couldn't help but frown. She had things she was sorry for, but she wasn't going to go groveling to him – that was something she hoped she'd never fall into the habit of again.

The period passed in strained silence as Bella took tedious notes. She couldn't help but smile to herself as she packed her books up at the bell – if nothing else, she'd ace her tests that month. From the doorway she could see Edward traipsing to the library but she didn't follow him. Instead, she headed back toward the gym and spent the last hour of her school day trying to read the book she and Edward had selected for their project in the bleachers. The ease with which she kept her focus was a pleasant surprise, and by the time the hour was up, she'd almost finished. As she returned the novel to her bag, she froze.

Edward had driven her to school that day, which meant that she would have no ride home. Bella momentarily considered calling Charlie, but, having never met him, he was already leery enough of Edward. There was no need to make it worse when she inevitably had to explain why he had left her stranded at school. She exited the building resigned to a walk in the rain, but stopped short when she saw the silver Volvo waiting for her by the curb. She hesitated for a second, but ultimately ducked her head and jogged over, jumping in as quickly as possible.

He didn't even acknowledge her presence. The drive was silent, and it became clear very quickly that he had no intention of talking to her. It was the most uncomfortable time she'd ever spent with him, and she seriously regretted not just walking herself. Never before had she been so glad to pull up into her driveway, and she was out into the rain like a shot, running up toward the door. She hadn't even made it to the porch when she heard tires squeal as Edward raced up the street.

Kicking the door open and dropping her things, she stomped into the kitchen. She yanked the fridge open, downing several gulps of orange juice straight from the bottle. She made her way back to the living room, flopping onto the couch and staring up at the ceiling with a scowl.

Ten minutes of angry pouting later, she bolted upright, racing for her shoes and keys.

She hurried out the front door and into her truck, berating herself the whole way. She'd been right earlier when she refused to apologize to him. And she'd been right that she couldn't be a doormat anymore. But that was exactly what she'd been. Sitting around and waiting for Edward…it was exactly the way she behaved with Jasper. If she wanted to deal with this and talk it out, then, fuck him they were doing it.

For the second time since she'd gotten the truck, she cursed its turtle-like-speed. She couldn't help but grin as she remembered that the first time had also involved Edward. When the imposing white house finally came into view, she rejoiced that the Volvo was still there. Parking directly behind it, preventing any attempts at escape, she bounded up the porch steps. Just as her fist was about to hit the door, it swung open.

"Bella! What a very pleasant surprise!"

"Hey Esme," she said, stepping inside and slipping off her shoes as both of her cheeks were kissed. "Where is he?"

"Pouting in his room," Esme confided, slipping her arm around Bella's waist as they moved toward the stairs. "Please go talk him out of his little funk. I don't need his tantrum spoiling my delicious bouillabaisse."

"Yes ma'am," Bella agreed, winking as she headed up the stairs alone.

She tiptoed up the final flight of stairs, pausing outside the door to Edward's room. From inside, she could hear the loud pulsing of classic rock music. Easing the door open, she almost choked on a laugh. There, with his back to her and wearing his socks, boxers, and his blue flannel was Edward, sliding around on the hardwood and shaking his butt. With a push, the door swung silently, revealing Edward's schoolbag open in front of his couch, a notebook open next to it, and his pants and shoes in a pile in front of them.

He spun around. "Start playing old time and – "

She knew immediately when he saw her doubled over in silent laughter from when his spin had revealed his wayfarers.

"Hey there, risky business," she laughed.

He was already halfway into his jeans, hustling around as he dumped all his books back in his bag and hurried over to his radio.

"How long have you been standing there?" he demanded, his face redder than hers had ever been.

"Long enough," she smiled, walking toward him, all her anger and righteousness and the rest of it evaporating instantly.

"Yeah, well, who the hell let you in?"

"Your mom," she replied as she sidled up to him.

"I'm mad at you."

"That's pretty stupid."

"Well, um, you can't just – "

"Edward?"

"Yeah?" he whispered.

"Shut up and kiss me."


	14. Chapter Fourteen: She Feels Guilty

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish SM didn't own them either.

_**Chapter Fourteen – She Feels Guilty**_

Kiss her he did. Despite the lightheartedness of the previous moment, his lips were rough and his hands gripped at her tightly. She could feel his anger in the tension of his shoulders and the tightness of his muscles. The door clicked shut as he pressed her against it. Unbidden, the memory of her closet doorknob digging into her back as Jasper's broad chest propped her up flashed into her brain, but she banished it, focusing on the heat of Edward's skin and the insistence of his mouth. His hands slid down, gripping her waist as he lifted her to her tiptoes. Instinctively her legs slid up, wrapping around his waist. As soon as her ankles were hooked behind his back her eyes flew open in shock.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, disengaging from the kiss.

"Shit," Edward grumbled, still holding onto her as her legs hit the floor.

"Um, well…"

"Yeah…"

Bella stood, shifting her weight back and forth from one foot to the other, her chin tucked into her chest and her hair falling down either side of her face, shielding her furious blush from Edward.

"Look, Bella – "

"No, no," she said quickly, still staring at the carpet. "You're a seventeen year old guy. It…well, it happens."

"That's what I was going to say."

"I just wasn't expecting it and it was my fault for…well, it was my fault."

"Be more specific."

Her eyes narrowed at his mocking tone. "_That_," she said, gesturing to the bulge in his jeans, "was my fault."

His hands went into his hair as he about-faced, walking away from her and then back again as he followed the cream colored line in the large area rug spread out over his floor. She stood her ground, watching as he paced, darting glances at her ever few steps. Finally, after picking up his school bag and stowing it under his desk, he froze.

"I don't know what the hell we're doing, anymore."

"We're fighting."

"Don't fucking make fun of me, Bella."

"I'm not."

"You are."

"No, I'm not. We're fighting. It's what we've been doing. We've been fighting. _You_ wanted me to get away from Jasper and Alice and be my own person but stay as meek and mousey as I was with them. _I _wanted to be myself for once, and I'm starting to wonder if maybe _myself_," she said with air quotes, "didn't turn out to be a giant bitch."

"I'm wondering that too."

"Jesus, Edward. I came here to _apologize_ to you."

He froze. "You what?"

"I'm sorry. You were right earlier. Jasper gets to dick me around and I take it all out on you when you make a mistake. I suck."

"Yeah."

"I really am sorry," she sighed.

"I don't know if I believe you," he said, dropping his head after a long pause. "I thought I could do this and it would be no big deal, but it is and it _hurts_ and I'm torn between pouting like a motherfucking girl and punching him in the fucking nuts like a jealous asshole."

The door was still against her back, and she fumbled for the door knob. "I think I should go."

His head snapped up. "What?"

"I just…I'll leave you alone. I'm sorry. I didn't _want_ to – "

His eyes were wide with panic, and her whole body tensed as he opened his mouth to speak.

"You are such an idiot."

"I am," she agreed, starting to turn around. "I'm sorry I wasted your time."

A hand grabbing at her forearm prevented her from leaving the room.

"You're breaking up with me?" he seethed.

"No, _you_ are breaking up with _me_," Bella corrected.

"No I'm not."

"Well, I'm not either," she huffed, pulling her arm away.

"So why were you leaving?" he asked.

"Because you were _breaking up_ with me?"

"But I wasn't?"

"Well? Why not?"

"Because I like you."

"Even though I'm a bitch?"

"_Especially_ because of that."

"Oh."

"Yeah," he chuckled. "And please don't be insulted."

"I'm not," she said defensively.

His hand closed around her wrist, and she let herself be pulled away from the door and onto the cool black leather of the sofa. Edward tugged her into his lap, arms locked around her waist.

"You are," he whispered into her hair.

"All I know is that I came here to apologize."

"You're doing a _super_ job of it," he smirked.

The reminder of her own scathing comments to him just a few weeks ago made her smile in spite of herself. That was the thing about Edward. He had no problem pointing out all her flaws, but he had no problem pointing out things about himself either. Somehow, it made her feel better that someone as normal and together as Edward with such great role models had as many weird ass issues as she did. Then she felt bad for wishing her weird-ass issues on _anyone._

"I wish I wasn't such a mess. I wish we could just go out without all the extra baggage," she said, nestling her face into his shoulder.

"I'm pretty sure you're worth the trouble," he replied, brushing his lips across the top of her head.

"I don't want to _be_ trouble."

He snorted. "You're a _girl_, Bella. Trouble is pretty much a part of your genetic makeup."

"You're teasing me. Does this mean we're done fighting?"

"I sure as hell hope so."

"Did we fix _anything_?"

"Hmmm…well, we've both admitted we were assholes. That's something."

"I'm really glad you moved here."

"Yeah, me too," he agreed after a pause.

They sat together in silence, Bella's ear pressed to Edward's chest. She'd always wondered, whether it was scientific or not, if a person's heartbeat matched their personality. Would Alice's pulse be fast and erratic? Would Emmett's be boisterous and booming? Would Rosalie's heart beat _at all_? And Jasper…would Jasper's heart echo the steady anger that seemed to thrum through his veins? Edward's heart beat just as she imagined it would. Steady and strong and soothing and unintentionally in time with his fingers running through her hair. Exactly every fourth beat his hand would slide back to the top of her head and then slide its way through her long, thick locks.

The comfortable silence cocooned them, and again she couldn't help but marvel at the brevity of their relationship. There were still so many things she didn't know about him. They'd talked plenty, but it was mostly arguing about books or talking about movies and bands and Forks and how much they both loved the coast. Even after she'd spiller her guts to him, there were fundamental things about him she just didn't know.

"Did you have friends at your old school?" Bella asked as she played with the buttons on his flannel.

"I hung out with some kids, yeah," he said slowly.

"What about, like, a best friend? You know?"

"I guess not. Not really. Seattle was…I kind of kept to myself."

"But you had girlfriends?" She didn't have to look up to know he was blushing.

"Well, I mean, yeah. But it was never anything…it wasn't _serious_."

Sitting up, Bella stared at him. His lips were pursed and he was staring at his lap, not really looking at her. His shoulders were tense and his jaw set. He looked like he was gearing himself up for another fight, and she couldn't understand why. Her hand found his and squeezed reassuringly.

"I'm just wondering, Edward."

"I know."

"And you can talk to me."

"I know."

"Because I'm not going to judge you."

"I know." This time, though his words were a whisper, she heard _guilt _in them.

"Tell me what you're thinking."

"I didn't have friends in Seattle."

"You just said – "

"I said I had people I hung out with. But none of them were _friends._ They were just other kids from school who hung out with me because my dad had money. I mean, their parents did too…but, well…"

"Your dad's loaded?" she offered.

"Yeah. I mean, well, yeah. But he works hard. Before, when he worked at the hospital, sometimes we'd go days without seeing him. He'd be called across the country to do surgeries and then it would be weeks. He works _hard._"

"I never said he didn't."

"I know. It's just…I didn't want to make friends here because I didn't want to have to think about people liking me for my dad," he sighed.

Bella bit down on her cheek to keep from giggling, thinking automatically of his American Beauty girlfriend. But she wanted him to keep talking and so she held herself together.

"I've never…I've always just kind of kept to myself. I like _watching_ people. I like staying back and hiding. It was hard to do that in Seattle because of the gossip and everyone knowing how much everyone's parents were worth and who had been at which gala and who had donated what amount to what foundation for what cause du jour."

"And you thought _Forks_ would have less gossip?" she asked incredulously.

"I thought I could _hide_ better."

"A brand new Volvo is not the way to go about that here, in case you hadn't noticed," she said lightly, smiling tentatively.

"I didn't want to be the rich kid, but I knew people would know why my dad was here and where I was living, so like I told you before, I went with the hands off, intimidating vibe."

"Didn't work so well," she said, sliding her hands up his chest and around his neck, her eyes locking with his.

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions," he said, taking hold of her hips as he pushed her back on the sofa.

"Lame."

"I don't care," he chuckled softly as his lips met her neck.

Her eyes were just sliding closed when she saw a flash of blonde. Marveling at the fact that – despite only making out with a grand total of four guys in her lifetime – she'd been walked in on by parental units _twice_ in the last few days, she pushed Edward off of her, this time managing to do so without sending him crashing to the floor.

"The door was _open_," Edward said, straightening his shirt and scowling at his father.

"Yes. I appreciate that. Apparently it isn't a deterrent. Perhaps you and Bella should hang out downstairs?" Carlisle said dryly, raising an eyebrow at his son.

"We weren't _doing_ anything," Edward argued. "And besides, it's not like it wouldn't take you twenty minutes to _find_ us downstairs. At least up here you know where we are."

"I miss the days when you were young, adorable, and _impressionable_ enough to do whatever I asked of you just to make me happy."

Bella choked on a laugh, earning herself a wink from the father and a glare from the son.

"I miss the old days when you didn't automatically assume I was a _devil child_," Edward seethed.

"Well, back then you _weren't_."

"Um, maybe I should go?" Bella asked as she watched Edward's eyes narrow in anger.

"No," they both said at once.

"I just came up to tell you that your mother made steak and potatoes, and that if you two have made up you should come eat. And judging by what I just – "

"Can it, old man," Edward said, reaching for Bella's hand.

"Call me old again and you can have a head cheese sandwich."

"_Head_ cheese?" Bella asked, nose wrinkling in distate.

"You don't wanna know," Edward said. "We're coming, Dad," he continued when Carlisle showed no sign of moving from his post against the door frame.

"Now, Edward."

"I _heard_ you."

"Well, after you."

He gestured toward the door, and with an annoyed huff, Edward stood and took her hand, pulling her to her feet.

"Tell your mother I need to return a call to Dr. Alexander in Seattle and that I'll be right down."

"Aye aye," Edward replied, giving a mocking salute with his free hand.

"And keep in mind that the car in the garage is owned by _me_, kiddo."

"Yes, sir." The reply was immediate and respectful, all traces of teasing gone.

"Way to wuss out," she said when Dr. Cullen had disappeared out of ear shot.

"I'd die without my car in this town. I'd shrivel up and _die._"

"You could ride with me," she pointed out, smiling innocently.

"Well, then my dying would be _literal._ Think about how sad my mom would be."

"What would make me sad, dearest heart?" Esme asked as she placed a butter bell on the table.

"Losing your only son in a horrifying car crash caused by riding around in a bucket of rust not fit to hold garbage."

"That is _my_ bucket of rust you are talking about! And I love it!" she exclaimed.

"Not everyone needs shiny and _new_," Esme laughed.

"Neither do I!" Edward claimed, looking affronted. "Classic cars are like…they're awesome. When they aren't allowed to crumble into _crap_."

"So I let my truck crumble into crap," Bella glared.

"I didn't say that," Edward backtracked, holding his hands up defensively.

"Are they back to fighting so soon?" Carlisle asked, strolling in and taking his seat.

"This isn't arguing."

"It's _disagreeing_."

"Pardon me," Carlisle chuckled as he smeared butter on his potato. "Pass the chives."

"You know," Edward said quietly as he sat next to Bella. "Dad's mechanic, Marty, is pretty amazing. I could have him look – "

"No." Bella shook her head once. "I couldn't…my truck runs fine."

"It's not a big deal," he argued. "I'd feel better – "

"I really appreciate it, Edward. But – "

"Speaking of Marty," Esme interrupted, smiling reassuringly at Bella, "when are you taking your father's car to Seattle?"

"Oh, right!" Edward said, his face lighting up at once. "I almost forgot! We'll go this weekend. We'll drive it in and then hang out in the city while we wait. If, I mean…you're ok with that, right?"

"Of course," Bella replied, thinking that she wouldn't have plans otherwise since Edward was officially the only person in Forks besides his parents and Charlie that she was talking to at the moment.

"Oh, Bellisima, that reminds me," Esme said after a sip of wine. "There is a festival coming and – "

"No way, mom. No tulips this year. Please. I'm begging."

"I was not asking you," Esme continued calmly. "I am asking Bella. I have never had a girl to bring along before. Now, you may send a substitute!"

"Mom, she doesn't – "

"I'd love to," Bella cut in.

"Splendid."

"You don't have to do that," Edward whispered when Esme's attention had diverted back to Carlisle.

"I know. I _wanted_ to."

And she did. It was easy for her to forget what it would have been like to have a mother around. Renee had abandoned her too young to really remember, and Jasper and Alice's mother's were too self-involved to ever pay attention to her. She didn't even have grandparents or aunts or cousins she could look too. Alice had really been her only source of female companionship, and that was completely shot to hell. It was nice to think that Esme, one of the most genuinely nice and _motherly_ women she'd ever met, was showing an interest in her.

When dinner ended, Edward walked her to the door, eyeing her truck distastefully as it sat parked behind his shiny new Volvo.

"It may be a rusty deathbucket, but it's _mine_," she scolded.

"It's un_safe_."

"You mean it's not European."

"That would be a start."

"You do know that Volvo is manufactured by _Ford_ right?"

"Yes, I did," he chuckled. "The question is, how did you?"

"I might've looked it up," she said, biting her lip and looking away as Edward's chuckle turned into a laugh.

"Can I pick you up in the morning?"

"Of course."

"I'll trade you baked goods for hot chocolate?"

"Some of those lemon cookie things?"

He nodded his head, pulling her to his chest when they'd reached the truck. She reached up to kiss his cheek before wrenching open the door. His fingers caught her under her chin, holding her in place as his lips met hers and his arms locked around her waist.

"I wish you didn't have to go," he grumbled, his hand sliding just under her shirt to rest on the small of her back.

"It's only 'til tomorrow."

"Yeah. I'm being a girl."

Silence hung between them, and she could feel Edward ready himself to say something.

"So…my mom'll be gone tomorrow after school," he said. "And, judging by the phone call he said he had to make, my dad's probably doing a surgery in Seattle."

Her whole body warmed at his words, and subconsciously she pressed herself tighter to him. Bella didn't say anything, just burrowed her face into the collar of his flannel. The implication behind his words was obvious, and desire trumped her nerves just enough for her to pull away and look up, scanning the calm expression that didn't match the sparking in his eyes.

"Where's Esme going?" she asked, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

"Portland. She's picking up a sculpture."

"So she'll be gone a while?"

"Probably all night."

"Oh…um…well…"

"Bella, I'm not…I just thought it'd be nice to…hang out…without worrying about my parents."

She raised her eyebrows at him.

"Well, I mean…if…"

"The fact that this is kind of awkward means that – "

"Yeah, no, I get it," he mumbled, his hand running once through his hair and then settling to rest on the back of his neck. "I'm an idiot."

"You're not," she disagreed. "I just…it's…shit."

"Pretty much. I'll see you in the morning."

"Cookies?" she reminded him.

"For a fee," he smiled.

She slid across the well-worn leather of her bench seat, buckling up as she pulled the door shut. As soon as the engine rumbled to life, Edward gave her a stern thumbs down. An eye roll and the bird were her farewell. With a strong pull of the wheel, she pulled out from behind the Volvo and made her way down the driveway and back toward town.

The cruiser parked in the driveway left her stomach clenching in guilt. With all the time she'd been spending mooning over Edward and stressing over Jasper and pulling her hair out over the situation with the two of them, she'd been seriously neglecting Charlie. When she walked in and saw him sitting at the kitchen table eating a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon in silence, she wanted to shrivel up and hide forever.

"I'm sorry, Dad. I was out and I just – "

"Don't worry about it, kiddo. Mrs. Cullen called and told me you and Edward were having a fight and that you'd probably eat over there."

"She _what_?" Bella gasped.

Charlie chuckled. "Yeah. I told her to keep her son in line or I'd stick him in the slammer. She asked me to dinner but…well, I didn't want to impose and…I didn't want to impose."

"I should've taken care of your dinner before I left."

"Believe it or not, Bella, I'm a grown man. I'm perfectly capable of making my own dinner."

"Yeah, like scrambled eggs?" she said, gesturing to his plate. "Easy mac? Cereal?"

"Quit tryin' to take care of me. I should…you and Edward had a fight?" he said, switching abruptly from one awkward subject to another.

"Um, yeah."

"Do you…do you want to talk about it?"

She collapsed into the chair across from him, stealing a piece of his bacon. She took a bite, buying time to figure out how she could talk about this with Charlie without turning them both into stuttering, blushing messes, and if she even wanted to.

"I just messed up. It was my fault," she said at last.

"Did you say you were sorry?"

"Yeah."

"Did he take it?"

"Um, yeah," she said, flushing pink as she remembered Edward's way of accepting her apology.

"Good."

"Hey, dad, I was thinking…Edward's parents are gonna be out of town tomorrow. Maybe…maybe we could have him over for dinner?"

The words were out of her mouth before she really thought about them. All she knew was that the guilt of abandoning Charlie more even than usual combined with her nerves about Edward's invitation had compelled her to speak, and she was glad she had.

"That'd be good. I should meet him."

"And you'll behave?"

"Of course."

"Dad," she said slowly.

"What?" he asked innocently.

"No guns please. No large knives. No uniform. Just be dad, ok?"

"A dad would use all of those things creatively and for the purposes of intimidation."

"Please? _Please_? He's…I care about him a lot, ok?"

"All right, all right," he said, shooing her away with his hands.

"Thanks, Dad," she said, giving him an awkward hug on her way out of the kitchen. "I'll make you whatever you want."

"Meatloaf," he said immediately. "I want meatloaf."

"Done," she promised.

She walked down the tall, placing her hand on the banister and spinning herself around to the stairs which she went up two at a time. She almost called Edward to ask him to dinner, but instead she changed into her pjs, ran across the hall to brush her teeth, and collapsed into her bed. Almost as soon as her head hit the pillow, she was passed out, exhaustion she didn't realize she was suffering taking over and sending her into the deepest sleep she'd had in weeks.


	15. Chapter Fifteen: Anywhere but Here

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish SM didn't own them either.

_**Chapter Fifteen – She Wants to Go Anywhere but Here**_

The next morning, Bella awoke with a yawn and a stretch. She smiled up at her ceiling, replaying images of a boxer-clad, dancing Edward from her dream. A giggle escaped her as she remembered that his little movie recreation moment had been _real_. Still laughing, she grabbed her robe and walked down the hallway.

After a quick shower, she stood in front of her closet. The gloomy day brewing outside helped her decision. She slid on her favorite jeans, the soft, well-worn denim perfectly fitting her mood. An equally well worn Forks PD t-shirt was next, and she slid Edward's faded green flannel over it, rolling the sleeves up to her wrists. A pair of chucks and a ponytail later and Bella was skipping down the stairs and rummaging in the cupboards for her cocoa powder and cinnamon.

Just as she finished pouring the steaming hot liquid into a pair of silver travel mugs, she heard someone pull into the driveway. With a few quick turns the lids were secure, and she raced out the doorway, smiling at Edward as he leaned up against her door waiting. He waved a plastic bag full of perfectly golden cookies and grinned back at her.

"Treats."

"I see that."

"Where's my chocolate, woman?"

She held up the mugs, and he opened the door for her. The leather was already warm, but that didn't stop her from reaching forward to crank the toasty ass feature for her seat up to high. A contended sigh had just escaped her when Edward climbed in and rested one hand on her shoulder. He turned to look between the seats as he backed smoothly down the driveway. As soon as he had the car in first gear he reached for the mug and took a long drink.

"Look! No strings attached."

"Jerk."

Reaching over, he tugged on the end of her ponytail. "Seriously, it's delicious. You'll have to show my mom how you make it."

"Or I can just show you," she pointed out with raised eyebrows.

"Everything tastes better when someone else makes it for you."

"That would explain why this cookie is like heaven in my mouth," she replied, and a crumb dropped out of the corner of her mouth. "Oops."

"These ones are my favorite."

"I can see why."

"Wait till you try her pumpkin ones next fall. They're amazing."

A tingling ran through her at his words…at the thought that he was picturing keeping her around all the way to October. The six month leap in time would have seemed impossible only days ago, but suddenly it felt _probable_ even.

"So, I was thinking," she began nervously.

"One of my favorite things about you."

"Since you'd be all alone tonight," she continued, ignoring him. "And since I promised you traditional, American processed goodness…"

"Yes?" Edward asked, and this time he sounded nervous.

"I was thinking maybe you'd like to come over and let me cook you dinner…and meet my dad."

"I've already met your dad," he said quickly.

"Meet him as my boyfriend, not as a speeding delinquent."

"Well…ummm…"

"I've had dinner with your parents about a million times now – "

"A million?"

"Don't try to distract me with bickering, Edward. I think maybe I hurt Charlie's feelings. Not that he'd ever in a million years say it but…you should come over and meet him."

"I'm sorry," Edward sighed as he pulled into her parking spot. His fingers ran through his hair. "I'm not particularly good at giving parent."

"You're great with your parents."

"My parents _have_ to like me. They paid enough."

"Edward," she warned.

"Yeah, yeah. Ok. Your dad freaks me out, is all."

"It's the guns, isn't it?"

"Well, that doesn't help," he chuckled, reaching for the door handle. "He's just so…serious. I feel like I'm fucking twelve years old around him."

"You were around him _once,_" she reminded him, climbing out of the car as well. "And he had just pulled you over."

"I…what if he doesn't like me?"

"Are you _serious_?"

"Well, he's your dad and – "

"He'll _love_ you. He already has kind of a weird crush on your mom – apparently she's been calling him when I stay for dinner since I'm a horrible daughter and don't do it – and he thinks your dad is great for volunteering so much at the hospital even though he's just here for that study whatever thing he's doing."

"But those are my _parents_."

"Edward, _I_ like you, and he knows that. That'll be enough. I promise."

"Fine. If I get shot, I at least want it on my tombstone that I died for love."

Bella stopped mid-step to gape at him. His face had paled at first, but blood was starting to rush back in. His face was splotchy with his embarrassment, but the words to relieve him wouldn't come to her. All she could do was stare. She thought for sure that he would start talking, play it off as a joke, but as the silent seconds continued to tick by her wishful thinking was starting to seem less and less like it would become her reality. The warning bell rang, startling them both back to consciousness.

"Shit. We're gonna be late," he said, his words startling her. "Come on."

Edward grabbed her hand, pulling her along behind him. She stumbled for their first few steps, struggling to keep up with his quick, even strides. He slowed just enough for her to catch up, sliding his hand around her waist to brace her. The feel of him pressed up against her side, of his hand keeping her so close, was different, though she couldn't figure out how.

When he released her next to her desk in English, she felt _less_ than she had a second ago and realized that his touch had seemed like _more_. She let her bag fall with a thump and when she looked up, she noticed Jasper for the first time that day. His entire body radiated shock, from his wide eyes and open mouth to his limp posture. Not waiting to watch the slow evolution back to anger, Bella collapsed into her seat, her mind automatically thinking back to what Edward had said.

It wasn't even his words that had her heart thumping like mad and her fingers drumming nervously on the desk. Technically, he hadn't said he loved her. He hadn't even really come close. He'd made a joke. What made her think was the fact that he hadn't bothered to correct it, or even to play it up. His words had clearly surprised himself as much as they'd surprised her.

Mr. Mason's lecture was intense, and he stood in front of Bella's desk for most of it. This kept her from communicating with Edward, but it didn't even come close to forcing her to pay attention. That word…_the _word…it slithered around in her brain, choking at every single available neuron until her thoughts were utterly consumed with it. She thought it especially strange that she dealt with her feelings for Jasper with such resignation and acceptance, but the mere possibility of Edward having those same feelings for her scared her senseless.

Her brain was such a jumbled, nervous mass of thoughts that she didn't even hear the bell ring at the end of class. The hand on her arm made her jump, and the smile she gave Edward was nervous.

"You're acting funny," he said to her as soon as they got outside. His forehead crinkled as he turned to stare at her, one hand on each shoulder.

"What? No I'm not," she replied automatically.

"You are."

"I'm just tired, I dunno."

"You were fine this morning."

"I was excited to see you this morning."

He rolled his eyes at her flirtatious attempt to distract him. "Do you need to go to the nurse?"

"No, no I'll be ok. English just kinda sucked it out of me."

"Yeah," he smiled. "I can see that. Come on or we'll be late, and every time Miss Robbins smiles at me when I am I feel all guilty."

His calm made her more nervous. Maybe what he'd said _was_ a joke? Or maybe he was just being an ass – it wouldn't be the first time someone had messed with her in that way. Or maybe he was just so comfortable with the idea of it that it didn't really faze him. She couldn't decide which would be worse.

History passed much the same way English had, though this time she was far enough away from Edward that she felt like she could think again. Underneath all the fear and nerves, she realized that she was both pleased and annoyed as well. Edward was great. More than great. He was smart and funny. He paid attention to her when she talked and even when she didn't. He was ridiculously cute and his flannels were crazy hot too. He had a temper and a tendency to think he was always right, but he also knew when to apologize when those things got out of hand.

By the time the bell rang once again, she'd decided that when Edward was ready to let her know how he felt, he probably would. His forwardness had frightened her in the beginning, but that same need to say whatever he was thinking could only help her now.

"So, any food allergies I should know about?" she asked, reaching for his hand and sliding it around her waist.

"Would it get me out of this?"

"Definitely not."

"Then no, no allergies. What're you cooking?"

"I promised you processed deliciousness."

"Excellent. Nothing with a foreign pronunciation, right?"

"Unless meatloaf suddenly has French origins, no," she laughed.

They walked into math, and Bella ignored Jasper's cold stare and Alice's uncomfortable glance. The tiny clench of her stomach was still there, but for the first time she felt real annoyance that it wouldn't just go the hell away. She propped her bag over next to the table leg, and Edward dropped his behind his chair.

"All right, ladies and gentleman," Mr. Varner spoke, sounding tired and rubbing his hand through his thinning hair. "I've got a headache the size of Mt. Rainier, and if I'm miserable you're all going to be miserable too. Work with your seatmate and do the problems from Chapter Thirteen, due at the end of the period."

A collective groan ran through the class as Mr. Varner plopped back into his chair and promptly put his head on his desk. Even Edward sighed, flipping through the pages of his book until he got to the assignment. Bella opened her spiral to a blank page and turned to face him.

"I really hope you understand some of this, because I don't. At all," she told him quietly.

"It's easy. Come here."

He reached over, tugging her chair closer to his. For the next hour they sat with their sides pressed together while he quietly explained every problem she didn't understand to her. His patience stayed mostly steady, and those times he was exasperated with her failure to understand what he was saying he hid _almost_ well enough for her to not see it. She found herself playing dumb just to get a rise out of him – to make hiding it harder – which only served to annoy him further. When the period ended, she was both incredibly amused by how hard he'd fought to be patient with her and equally as grateful – no one had ever made math make quite that much sense before.

"Thanks."

"Next time you pull that dumb girl crap on me I'm not helping you," he warned

"Who, me?" she asked innocently, grabbing her bag and waiting for Edward to fish his out from behind his chair.

"Has anyone ever told you what a pain in the ass you are?"

"All the time," Alice mumbled brushing past them, trying to catch up with Jasper, who had already practically sprinted from the room.

"Bitch," Edward said to her retreating form.

"Hey," Bella said, elbowing him lightly. "Don't."

"Why – "

"Because. I don't want to start stuff, ok? Don't sink down to their level."

"Fine," he huffed.

"So do you wanna eat – "

"Cafeteria. If we're not sinking to their level, no hiding."

"All right. Hey, I don't suppose you could pilfer some more of your mom's baked goods for dessert tonight?" she asked, thinking again about dinner.

"Sure. She left some fresh cannolis for me to make up for her being gone."

"Didn't you say they were amazing?"

"Like a taste of Italy in your mouth," he said, heading toward one of the isolated corner tables.

"What happened to not hiding?"

"We're not," he argued, digging for his lunch. He pulled it out and then froze, frowning, before diving back into his bag again.

"What?"

He didn't answer, just kept digging. He started pulling things out of his bag, tossing them onto the table. First his textbooks then his notebooks then a pencil bag and his iPod and what looked like a sketch pad. Two novels came out next, and his keys hit the table with a metallic clink as he started searching through the small front pockets.

"Edward?" she asked nervously, peering toward his bag. "Did you lose something? What is it? I could help…"

Again he ignored her, merely upending his bag on the table. A guitar pick, a pack of gum, and several torn scraps of paper fell out. He gave the bag one last scan before searching through the stack on the table. His eyes were frantic with fear, and all the color had drained from his face as he started flipping through the random assortment of crap for a second time.

Bella's stomach clenched nervously as she glanced around. The rest of the FHS student body seemed to have noticed Edward's strange behavior as well. They were all watching him out of the corners of their eyes, whispering behind their hands. Their malicious smiles only doubled her nerves, and she noticed for the first time the steady stream of students abandoning the cafeteria for the courtyard.

"Edward, you're freaking me out," she tried again, placing a hand on his arm. He flinched away, looking up and taking note of the attention being given to him for the first time.

"Oh no," he breathed. "Oh _fuck_."

"Wha – "

"I'll be right back. Wait here," he said, bolting to his feet.

"No I'm not – "

"Just wait right here, Bella. _Please_," he said, turning to stride away.

Her heart hammering in her chest, she jumped up and moved quickly after him. By the time they'd both stepped out into the overcast afternoon, she'd caught up to his side, but he barely even noticed her. He kept walking forward, more slowly now, toward the edge of the large crowd gathered around the picnic table by the parking lot.

"No," Edward whispered again.

There, standing on the bench with something in his hands, was Jasper, his gray eyes glinting in triumph. She moved closer, and the object he held turned out to be a composition book, the kind with the mottled black and white cover and black taped binding. The exact same kind of journal she'd seen on Edward's couch the day before…the exact same kind she'd seen him hurriedly jam into his bag before hiding it away.

"Ah, the man of the hour," Jasper said, spotting Edward for the first time and waving the book in the air. "Perhaps _you'd_ like to grace us with a reading."

"Give me back my notebook." Edward's voice was steely, the nerves and fear of only moments ago now replaced by blatant rage.

Bella followed him tentatively as he pushed through the circle. Once they'd broken through the outer rings, she saw a smug Rosalie, flanked by Lauren and Jessica, standing to Jasper's right. Alice was on the ground to his left, twisting her hands and bouncing up on the balls of her feet and looking nervous…_very_ nervous. Emmett stood just behind her, looking like he was torn between fleeing and decking Jasper.

"I don't think so, Cullen. We haven't gotten to hear the end yet."

"If you don't give me my fucking notebook back, you are going to regret it until your last motherfucking _painful_ breath, asshole. Give it to me. _Now_."

"No," Jasper replied, smirking and reopening the notebook.

Edward went to take a step forward, but Tyler and Eric each grabbed one of his arms and yanked him back. He tried to pull himself out of their grip and couldn't.

"_I'm just so sick of this bullshit_," Jasper read in a high, girly voice. "_This entire fucking experiment should be null based only on the stupidity of the fucking subjects. Alice with her backstabbing know-it-allitude and Jasper with his general fucking douchiness and his fucking sister with her big fish ridiculously tiny pond worldview. Her boyfriend who knows it's all ridiculous but is too apathetic to _do_ something about it. Not to mention their god damn useless followers. The people in this town are all sheep. _"

There was a pause in the reading as Jasper gave everyone a chance to glare at Edward. Bella wanted to reach for him, but he was still being restrained. His eyes were focused only on the boy in front of him.

"Stop it, dude. I'm asking now. Please, just stop." The pleading tone of his voice was like being plunged into ice, a million sharp prickles assaulting her all at once. Her heart slowed and her face paled and everything about her seemed to freeze in place.

"_I don't know why I thought maybe it could be different, that maybe she'd get her head out of her ass and see things for how they are. God damnit if the plan didn't work fucking beautifully. I should have known that day at her locker that Bella was just as fucking pathetic as the rest of them._"

Jasper suddenly stopped talking, looking up and meeting her eyes. She could barely make out the horror on his face through the salty tears now spilling silently down over her cheeks. Not even bothering to wipe them away, she turned her attention to Edward.

The sudden pause – a pause in which everyone had turned to stare at Bella – was enough for Edward to free himself from his captors' grips, and he flew with surprising speed at a still agog Jasper. He hit him with a crash, knocking Jasper's tall form off the bench and to the ground.

The notebook flew straight up into the air. She watched it flip end over end in the sky before falling with a thud to the grassy ground at Alice's feet. Alice picked it up, looking at it for a long moment before walking over and handing it quickly to Bella and turning to immediately move away from her again. No one noticed the exchange, too busy shouting about the first fight that had happened on school grounds in what felt like years as they ringed around Edward and Jasper.

Edward sat perched on Jasper's chest, pinning his thrashing form to the ground with his knees. His fist met Jasper's cheek with a sickening thud, but he barely got in that one blow before Jasper had thrown him off with a sharp push to the chest and leapt up. Edward had just made it to his feet when Jasper rushed him, tackling him to the ground and grabbing him by the shoulders. He lifted up and slammed them down, Edward's auburn head hitting the grass with a series of repeated thuds. Bella watched in horror as he reached up and raked down hard on Jasper's neck with his fingernails.

"What the _fuck_?" Jasper bellowed, leaning back enough for Edward to wriggle free. "Are you a fucking _girl_, Cullen?"

Edward swung wildly at him, and Jasper ducked, sidestepping and making contact with Edward's gut. The breath wheezed out of him and Jasper took the time to land a blow to the side of his head. The reaction was immediate, and this time Edward's blow hit Jasper square on his left eye.

"How's that for a fucking girly punch_, asshole_," Edward growled as Jasper let out a pained groan.

His arm reeled back for another swing when Bella found herself screaming.

"Stop it! Stop it! Fucking _stop it!_"

Everything seemed to pause as her voice broke into a whimper on the last word. Edward's hand remained suspended in mid-air as he remembered her presence for the first time since stepping outside. Jasper stood panting, dropping to put his hands on his knees but never taking his eyes off of her. Bella's whole body was shaking, her hands clenching the notebook to her chest. An eerie silence descended, punctuated only by her sobs, as the administrator's were spotted hurrying over.

"What's going on here? Break it up!" Mr. Hale called out. When he spotted his son and Edward staring at a sobbing Bella he froze. "Both of you. My office, now. And the rest of you, get your butts to class before I give every single person standing here detention for a week."

He waited for the two boys to slowly start moving toward the main building, each shooting furtive glances over their shoulders at Bella, before following them into the building. The rest of the crowd started to break up, scattering toward all the different classrooms.

Bella stayed rooted to the spot. She felt Alice's eyes on her, but couldn't even bear to _think_ about talking to her. She wanted to run, but she didn't think her legs would support her weight much longer, and Edward had been her ride to school. Her sobs intensified as she thought his name.

Suddenly, she felt herself being gently lifted from the ground. She blinked through her tears to see Emmett, clutching her carefully to him as he made his way toward his giant jeep. Her whole body relaxed into his broad chest, her sobs quieting somewhat as he slid her into the passenger seat and buckled her in before jogging to get in and start the engine.

"Where to, Swan?" he asked gently.

"Anywhere but here, Emmett. Please. Anywhere but here."


	16. Chapter Sixteen: She Listens

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish SM didn't own them either.

_**Chapter Sixteen – She Listens**_

Bella kept her cheek pressed against the cool glass of the window, watching as Emmett drove out of the parking lot heading west out of town toward the coast. The miles flew by in a blur of green and gray, the colors almost soothing. The mere idea of putting distance between her and what had just happened was enough to let the clenched muscles of her stomach relax – it was _almost_ enough to let her forget.

The hard cardboard edges of the notebook digging into her arms made her remember.

Emmett pulled the Jeep into one of the many scenic overlooks, barely cracking the windows and intensifying the steady roar of the ocean. Staring out over a vast and seemingly endless horizon, she tried to let the rhythmic pounding of the waves regulate her breathing and her heart. Normally the cool, salty sea air was enough on its own to send shivers of peace through her, but not today.

It was impossible to even begin to fathom what had just happened…to even consider what those words had meant. Experiment? Sheep? _Pathetic_? They rattled around inside her brain, too foreign to take hold in any kind of intelligent thought process. All the answers she could possibly want were scrawled on the pages she clutched to her chest, but for the moment she was too terrified to even imagine what they said.

The words hurt her – they clawed at her like Edward's fingers had at Jasper's neck. It hurt that Jasper would read the words aloud. It hurt that Edward would write them. It hurt that he'd kept everything a secret after she had told him so much. It hurt that Alice had stood by and let Jasper do such a thing. It hurt that Emmett hadn't stopped him when he so obviously disagreed. It hurt that Edward hadn't even taken the time to glance at her before he attacked Jasper. It _hurt_.

Classic rock suddenly interrupted the stillness, and Emmett jumped as he reached for his cell phone. Bella hugged the notebook tighter to her chest, biting on her lip as he glanced at the screen.

"Shit," he mumbled. "Sorry, Bella, I've gotta – "

"It's fine," she managed to say, her voice rough and barely above a whisper.

"Rose," he said when he answered the call. "I'm sorry…no, no, she's fine…I don't…absolutely not, Rosalie…I don't give a flying fuck, I'm not…I'll be home once I've got her with Charlie…no, I'm not taking her to the fucking station…Babe, I love you, I do, but I'm hanging up now."

He flipped the phone shut with a click, and glanced at Bella.

"I'm ready to go home now," she told him quietly.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Cause I don't have anything – "

"Em," she said, placing a hand on his forearm. "I'll be ok. I just need to sleep for about two days."

He didn't respond, and she was grateful again for his silence on the trip back to town. He insisted on walking her to her door when they reached her house, scooping her up into an impulsive hug before she had the chance to disappear inside.

"Thanks," she said when he let her go.

"Take care of yourself, ok?"

"Ok."

"I'm serious, Bella."

"I know."

He walked back to the Jeep, and the mere idea of being alone with her thoughts – with the notebook – made her want to chase after him and beg him to stay. She thought about making a big dinner anyway as a distraction, but it would have been useless and she'd just ruin the meal. Instead, she left a message for Charlie that she wasn't feeling well and he should pick himself up something to eat.

The trip up the stairs to her bedroom was slow and yet still seemed to sap all of her energy. Her hand hovered over the doorknob. Emmett's phone call had made her nervous, as it seemed like _someone_ was trying to figure out where she was. The two people she was trying to avoid had both entered into her bedroom through her window before, and even if there were no cars or motorcycles or anything else outside, it didn't mean that they weren't waiting for her. With tiny tremors running through her fingers, she turned the knob and pushed the door slowly open.

She stared for a long moment, taking in the empty bed and the still rocking chair and the window shut tight against the sill. Relief exhaled from deep within her as she shut the door and walked to collapse face down onto her bed. She lay there, trying not to cry, and kicked off her shoes.

When that battle was lost, Bella rolled to her back and stared at the ceiling. She wanted to scream, to flail, to yell, to punch, to _act_, and instead she was stuck in her room, trapped and terrified. Inching her way toward the headboard, she pulled her knees to her chest and stared balefully at the notebook still on the foot of the bed.

Everything had gone to hell. It had gone to hell when Edward showed up and then it seemed to fix itself when he'd kissed her. It had gone to hell again when Jasper had kissed her and righted itself again when she told off Alice. And now…here she was again…only this time she felt frozen, the tears of her despair weighing her down like lead.

Slowly, she stretched her leg out. Her toe nudged the black spine cautiously, like she was afraid it would burn her. Bella steeled herself and, using her heel, drug the traitorous book until it was sitting right in front of her. If she'd been capable, the strength of her glare would have bored holes straight through the offending cover, burning out the words that still rattled painfully around her brain.

For what felt like hours she just sat there, completely still and staring. Inside the cardboard cover lay all the answers she wanted, and some she probably didn't. Finally, before she could talk herself out of it, she flipped open the cover.

_The Forks Experiment_

_A Social Exploration by EAC_

The words stared up at her, and a disappointed sigh escaped her chest. There, in familiar, slanted scrawl, was the evidence that Jasper hadn't been making it up. The words he'd read…those hateful, hurtful words…were true. Tentatively, she flipped the page to the first entry.

_Well, at least I know the image worked. I've been here two fucking days and already I've pissed off the Chief of Police and had a pseudo run-in with some townie in an ancient truck… _

Bella stared, her eyes running over the paragraphs that told the story of her first encounter with Edward and his shiny black entry was significantly less scientific than she'd expected. Edward mostly just vented about how much he hated Forks and how at least in Seattle there had been a Borders he could escape to. Seeing his thoughts undiluted and completely out in the open made her even more nervous as she turned to the next page…the next day.

_Red Truck Girl is interesting. I figured she'd be one of the popular kids. Isn't that how small towns are supposed to work? The kid of the Chief of Police in the thick of all the shit that goes down? Well, she's not. I mean, she's clearly in the middle of some shit, just not _the_ shit. The blond was so clearly, clearly trying to pee all over her at her locker, but he has a girlfriend. God, I should be friends with her just to fucking piss him off._

The cover slammed shut, and it took her a second to realize she'd been the one to do it. She sat, wishing that closing the words in would make them fade away, and just stared. In that moment – that horrible time of realizing that no one was turning out to be what she thought they were – homeschooling suddenly seemed like a very good idea.

She knew that she should sit down and force herself to plow through the pages, reading each entry one by one, but impatience nagged at her and when she finally opened the notebook again, she went directly to the last entry. It was the entry Jasper had read aloud.

"Yesterday," she breathed, looking at the date before her eyes scanned down toward the angry writing of the text below.

_I don't know why I thought maybe it could be different, that maybe she'd get her head out of her ass and see things for how they are. Fuck me if the plan didn't work fucking perfectly. I should have known that day at her locker that Bella was just as fucking pathetic as the rest of them. She not worth my fucking time. What was I thinking? I wasn't thinking. I'm not thinking. If I was thinking, I'd never have tried to make it work with someone so fucking dependent on other people to figure out who the hell she is or what the hell she fucking wants. I just need a fucking break. _

The blank lines that followed burned into her brain. He'd ended it there. He'd just _stopped_. He hadn't written that he had changed his mind. He hadn't written that he was only ranting. The words just sat there, complete and on their own, and she wanted to light the whole book on fire and thrust the ashes out into the wind. For a long time she just sat there, staring at nothing but seeing those words etched into her vision, obscuring everything else.

Bella was seriously contemplating taking the damn thing downstairs and pitching it into the fireplace when she heard the door open and Charlie calling her.

"Bella?"

She glanced at the clock, noticing for the first time how late it was. Getting up, she opened her door and poker her head out. "I'm here."

"Still feeling cruddy?"

"Yeah."

"Can you come down here for a sec?"

"Sure thing," she said after a short hesitation, sighing as she slipped out into the hallway and pulled the door shut behind her.

Her body felt like it was trying to move through tar. Any motivation she'd felt for doing anything but curling up in bed had fled, leaving her brain moving too slowly, but she kept walking until she reached the kitchen. Charlie was pulling groceries out of paper bags and putting them in the cabinets.

"You didn't have to do the shopping," Bella frowned. "I was gonna go tomorrow."

"I know. Here," he said and shoved one of the paper bags at her.

"What's this?"

"I…well…"

Curious, she set the bag down on the table and folded back the brown paper. Peering inside, her chest tightened just a bit. Crowded together in the bottom of the bag was a pint of strawberries, a container of banana ice cream, and an entire tube of peanut butter cookie dough. Biting her lip, Bella looked up at her father.

"I…I mean…thanks."

"Do you…want to talk about it?"

"How do you even…Principal Hale called you."

"He had to. There was a fight on campus. They were both pretty beat up."

"Were they…are they…"

"Dr. Cullen was called and they both checked out fine. I'm worried about _you_."

"I've got supplies," she said, holding up the bag of treats with a timid smile. She headed to the freezer and put the ice cream in, thinking she'd probably need it tomorrow. She grabbed a spoon and turned back to Charlie. "Thanks, Dad. Really."

"I'm, ya know…_here_ if you need me."

"Hopefully, for both our sakes, it won't come to that."

Bella was halfway up the stairs when she realized she hadn't cut open the cookie dough. Mumbling curses to herself, she turned and headed back to the kitchen, passing Charlie shuffling toward the den with a takeout bag in one hand and a Rainier in the other. She dug around in the junk drawer, looking for scissors, but couldn't find any.

Still grumbling to herself, she decided to leave the cookie dough for the following day…or maybe even the day after that or the day after that. The idea that she'd still need a pick me up weeks into the future was depressing, and the tiny sliver of good mood that she'd felt at Charlie's surprising gesture withered almost instantly. After she stowed the cookie dough in the fridge, she pulled the strawberries out as well and dropped the brown paper bag into the recycling box on her way out of the kitchen.

She trekked back up the stairs and twisted the door knob. Just as it started to swing open, she dropped a strawberry and had to drop down to retrieve it. In the middle of dusting it off and deciding if she wanted to eat it, run to the bathroom and rinse it off, or pitch it, she looked up and gasped.

"What are you doing here?" she hissed, hurrying to shut the door and brace herself against it.

"I needed to see you and you fucking ran off," Jasper answered from his perch on her bed where he sat plucking at a loose thread on her comforter. His hair was windblown, but he wasn't wearing his bomber, just a solid black hoodie that only intensified his pallor.

"So knock on the door, asshole," she said, ignoring the clenching of her stomach. Her eyes darted to the open window. "At least that way I can have a chance at slamming the door in your face."

"Bella… I just…let me talk."

"No. You can either climb your ass back out the window or I'll scream for Charlie and he'll pitch you."

"God damnit, B, why do you have to do that?"

"Do _what_?" she demanded incredulously. "What can I _possibly_ have done to you?"

"You automatically assume the fucking worst of me! Why can't you just listen to me for once?"

"I don't want to _listen_ to you _ever_."

"I didn't mean to read that part about you. I swear it," he said quickly. "I swear I didn't."

"But you meant to read the rest of it."

"Yes. I did. But it wasn't about _you_. It was about me and Rosalie and everyone else at school. I read those parts."

"It was still going to embarrass me, J," she whispered angrily. Remembering that the notebook in question was still resting by her pillows, she moved quickly across the room, snatched it up, and crossed to shove it in her dresser. "It was still going to make me look like a fucking idiot. It was still going to _hurt_ me. And I don't even know why you even care about me being upset. It's never stopped you from being a hateful son of a bitch before."

"It was supposed to embarrass _Edward._"

"Who's my _boyfriend!_"

He ran his fingers through his hair, fisting it roughly as he collapsed backward onto her mattress. "I broke up with Alice."

Her breath hitched and she took an involuntary step toward him. "What?"

"I broke up with Alice. Now will you stop being a bitch for five seconds and fucking let me talk?"

She couldn't respond. Her mouth was hanging half open, and she was too busy focusing on trying to keep her heart from thundering out of her chest to form a coherent thought, let alone voice one. The first half of his sentence was too shocking for her t even think about his insult. She collapsed back into her rocking chair and just stared at his prone form for a long moment.

"Why are you doing this to me?" she finally whispered. "Do you get off on playing with my mind? Torturing me into confusion?"

"Fuck you!" he exclaimed, sitting bolt upright. "No," he said more quietly when she gaped at his volume.

"I'm so exhausted, J. I'm so very tired of all this."

"And you think I'm not?"

His words sparked her anger. "You haven't been the one to have to deal with the comments and the glares and the…and the…"

"The what?"

"You know what."

"No, I fucking don't. Jesus, Bella, I don't fucking know anything anymore. You just _quit_ talking to me. And then you fucking tried to sabotage me and Alice for fucking no reason. And _then_ you went around acting like it was all my fucking fault!"

"_You_ quit talking to_ me_. And then…you don't get to lecture me after _that_ day."

He flinched at her words, his temper momentarily quelled. "Alice made me keep it secret."

"Fuck that. You know what I'm talking about. You were looking right at me while you…while you guys had…had sex!"

Jasper's whole face lit up bright red, and he stood abruptly and turned away from her.

"I fucking thought so."

"You don't understand _anything_."

"Because you were too much of a jerk to explain it to me!"

"I was…I can't even fucking say it out loud. God _damnit!_" he exclaimed, punching her mattress.

"Quit it!" she said, already listening for Charlie. "Why do you have to make this all so fucking hard? Just go, Jasper."

"No. Fuck that."

She choked on a sob. "Why are you such a douche? Seriously. _Why_?"

"Because I want you!"

Strange silence fell over the room. Jasper looked shell-shocked at his words, and Bella had to turn away. She could hear the TV downstairs but not Charlie, and she was suddenly afraid he'd heard Jasper's outburst. She headed toward the door, trying to give her something to think about other than the words still ringing in her ear. Cracking it open, she poked her head out into the hallway. Her breath whooshed out when she heard Charlie on the phone in the kitchen. She pulled the door shut again but didn't turn around.

"So you're just going to ignore it? Like always?" Jasper demanded.

Bella whirled around. "Ignore it? Ignore, _what_?"

"I – "

"You didn't say anything for me to ignore!"

"I told you – "

"That you _wanted_ me?"

"Want."

"You want me to pine after you and follow you around and be your damn punching bag you mean!"

"That's not what I said."

"Then explain it to me. Explain it."

"I liked you for the longest time," he said after a hesitation, collapsing back onto her bed. "We were best friends, B. And…and then I liked you as something more than that. I don't know how it happened, but all of a sudden one day you were all I could fucking think about."

"You're lying," she whispered.

He glared at her. "This is hard enough already and you're going to mock me?"

She shook her head emphatically side to side, and the anger in his eyes softened.

"I liked you, but you didn't even _notice._"

"What the hell was I suppose to be noticing, J?"

"I don't know! I didn't…I even flirted with Alice to try to make you jealous but you didn't even care. I realized you weren't ever going to want me and so I asked you about Alice, and you went out of your way to be a bitch and sabotage it. I couldn't figure out what I'd done to make you hate me like that."

Bella flushed bright red, but didn't say anything. She had to hear the end – she had to hear the explanation she'd been so desperate for. She wasn't sure what she'd do or decide when he was done, but she still needed to _know_.

"And so I went to Alice myself. She was all flirty and said she liked me, but she said we should keep it a secret from you."

"For how long?"

"Two months."

"Two months?" she asked in a gasp.

"It felt like forever – "

"You guys…after only two months?"

This time Jasper's cheeks turned pink. "Would you quit being so fucking judgmental!"

"God, it can't have even been two months. That didn't look like a – "

"It wasn't. Not that it's any of your damn business."

Her eyes narrowed. "You're right. It isn't. Get out."

"Shit. And you wonder why I don't ever talk to you!"

"You didn't just not talk to me! You were _awful_ to me."

"I was fucking angry."

"That's bullshit," she huffed.

"Look, do you want me to explain this whole fucking mess to do you want to keep bitching at me?"

"I'm not so sure anymore."

"I was thinking about you," he said quickly.

"What? What the hell – "

"That day, when you walked in. I'd been thinking about you. And then there you were. And I couldn't look away and I couldn't stop thinking about you and I almost fucking _hated_ you for being there and invading my brain and just ruining my fucking _life_."

"Jasper, I – "

"I care about Alice, I do. But…I never stopped wanting you. I was so mad at you and I hated that you made me feel so fucking _worthless,_ so I went out of my way to make you feel as worthless as you'd made me feel. And then fucking Cullen shows up with his fancy car and his smart mouth and his creepy stares and you just _go_ to him like it's no big deal. And then he's touching you and kissing you and smiling at you and then fucking _smirking_ at me when you weren't looking and always writing in that fucking notebook when you weren't around…it fucking hurt all over again."

"You were with _Alice_."

"Because I couldn't be with _you_."

"You could have been," she said softly.

His head whipped up. His eyes asked the question that hadn't yet made its way to his mouth.

"That's why I lied to you about Alice. I couldn't...it made me sick to even _think_ about you with someone else. It _did_ make me jealous."

"Why the fuck didn't you just tell me?"

"Because you'd been acting weird for months. And you didn't say anything either!"

"So what the fuck now?"

"I…don't know."

"I still want you, B."

"You _want_ me…what the hell does that even mean?"

Jasper started to answer, but steps on the stairs made them both freeze. She gestured franticly toward the closet, and hustled over to push him toward it. He'd just shut the door behind him when there was a knock on the bedroom door.

"You ok, kiddo?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You need anything?"

"I'm good, thanks."

"Um, Edward called for you three times."

"What did you tell him?" she asked, swinging the door open. Thinking about Edward still made her angry and sad and betrayed all at once but it still made her heart skip to think that he'd been calling.

"What did he say?"

"He just asked to talk to you."

"And what did _you_ say?"

"I said you were asleep. Is…is that ok?"

"It's perfect, Dad. Thanks."

"Well…night."

Bella closed the door on his retreating back and went to open the closet. Jasper stood, huddled amongst a rainbow of cardigans. His hair was a mess, and there was a dust bunny clinging to the shoulder of his hoodie. Without thinking, she reached to brush it off. As soon as her hand made contact, Jasper grabbed it and held it to his chest.

"This. This is what I mean. Don't you...you have to feel it."

"I feel it," she breathed, staring at his fingers clasped around hers.

"Then why did you push me away?" he asked, and for the first time his voice was neither angry nor exhausted, just needy. He reached out and grabbed hold of her other hand, tightening his hold on her.

"You were with Alice."

"I wish you'd read my note."

She'd almost forgotten the note she'd so petulantly crumpled and pitched back at him. "What difference would it have made?"

"I told you that everything was different and you threw it back in my face."

"Why didn't you just tell me that night," she begged.

"Because I was _scared_. I was fucking terrified!"

"You just left me there. What did you think was going to happen?"

Tears were brewing, and her vision started to blur at the sudden influx of moisture. She blinked angrily, willing them away, but traitorous tears slid down her cheeks. She wanted to wipe them away, but Jasper still had hold of her hands. He didn't make any move to wipe them away either, just stared at her, watching them drip from her jaw.

That feeling – that simultaneous rush of warmth and nerves and fear and just _heat_ – washed over her when his gaze didn't flinch. She hated the butterflies that made her tingle and the burn she felt from his fingers. She hated the way her pulse raced as he took hold of both of her hands in one of his. She hated the way her breathing turned rapid when rough fingers finally trailed down her cheek. She hated the way she automatically tilted her face into his palm.

Mostly she hated how much she loved all of those things too.

The confusion and the fear and the anger and the sadness were all dwarfed when Jasper slid his fingers from his cheek to the back of her neck, tilting her head up and pulling her mouth to his. Though the buildup had been almost tender, as soon as their lips met desperation took over. Hands fumbled, fingers tangled in hair, and feet stumbled as they tried to get out of the closet.

Their tangled bodies collapsed onto her bed. Jasper tucked her into his side, his lips trailing down her neck and across her jaw line and along the tiny sliver of shoulder exposed by her too big t-shirt Bella tugged on his shoulders until their mouths met again, a tortured groan escaping her.

Rough hands slid up over her rib cage and this time it was Jasper groaning as his tongue traced her bottom lip before sucking it into his mouth. The only thing she could think about was the familiar fire raging on inside of her and how this time she wouldn't be able to stop it…this time it would burn her up.

Her eyes flashed open as one finger ran down the center of her stomach and past her belly button, tracing along the waist band of her jeans. In that split second of awareness – that tiny moment where she actually thought about what she was doing and looked around – her eyes automatically flashed to the window. Jasper froze at the gasp that escaped her lips. He turned to look at the point where her eyes were fixed.

They both stared silently at the white box tied with silvery blue ribbon that rested on the windowsill. Bella could just make out the edges of a fold of paper held underneath the ribbon. She was immediately pushing at Jasper's chest, sliding out from under him and padding across the floor to peer out the window. The ladder Jasper had used to get in the window was still propped there, but aside from the box there was no sign of anyone else.

Without turning around, she picked up the package and removed the ribbon. She walked to her dresser and placed the still folded note on the worn wooden surface. Inhaling deeply, she flipped open the lid. There, nestled together, was an assortment of cannolis. Some were plain, some dipped in chocolate, some dusted with pistachio. But all of the same origin.

Edward. Edward had been there. Edward had climbed the ladder, likely knowing that someone else was already in her room. Edward had seen…_what_ had Edward seen?

"B?" Jasper asked, moving to stand behind her.

"I think I need to sleep now," she whispered, still staring at the little hand crafted deserts.

"Because of Cullen?" he demanded.

"Yes."

"But after what he wrote – "

"What he wrote is no worse than how you spent years treating me."

"But – "

"I just – "

"Fine. Whatever."

She set the box down and moved her fingers to her temples, her eyes squinched shut. It was frustrating how quickly he'd gone back to being prickly and cold, even if she _was_ pushing him away. "Please don't do this again. I'm allowed to be upset here, ok? He was my boyfriend, and you've been nothing but a fucking ass, J."

"Was?" he asked, clinging to one word.

"I don't know."

"All right. I'll go. Can I…can I pick you up in the morning?"

"No," she said. "No. I'll see you at school."

He didn't respond. She was afraid he'd try to kiss her again and knew that if he did, she wouldn't be able to make him leave. Instead, he just turned and swung a leg over the sill to the waiting ladder. She didn't watch him leave. When she heard the ladder being slowly lowered and carried away, she picked up the note Edward had left her. With trembling fingers, she unfolded the crisp cream paper. Two words stared up at her.

_Read everything._

Bella let out a shaky breath, her eyes scanning the words rapidly over and over. Finally, she slid open the drawer she'd stuffed the notebook in earlier. She walked to the window, shutting it firmly, and climbed back into bed not even bothering to undress. Steeling herself, she opened the cover and started to read.


	17. Chapter Seventeen: She Surrenders

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish SM didn't own them either.

_**Chapter Seventeen – She Surrenders**_

Bella stood nervously, wringing her imperceptibly trembling hands together. Her weight shifted from foot to foot as she stared at the door in front of her. Three times already she'd raised her hand to knock only to have it drop back down without ever meeting the hard wood. If she hadn't been afraid of the noise it would make, she'd have sobbed at her indecision.

"Pathetic," she whispered.

With a deep breath, she steeled her nerves. Her hand raised and formed a fist. Just as it was about to fall forward, the door it had been approaching swung open. A woman with honey blonde hair, blue eyes, and enough makeup to keep Lauren Mallory happy for a lifetime stood, her bright red lips parted in shock.

"Bella?" she asked.

"Hi, Mrs. Hale. Is Jasper home?"

Jasper's mother snorted. "Probably. He's been moping around here like a little girl."

Bella couldn't help but compare Mrs. Hale's tone to that of Esme. Esme would tease Edward, possibly even with that very remark, but her voice and expression would make her affection toward her son obvious. Mrs. Hale…it was disgustingly clear that she thought Jasper was just as pathetic as Bella had been feeling moments ago.

"Um, would it be all right if I went up to see him?" Her voice was timid…_meek_…and she hated it.

"Mr. Hale and I are having important guests for dinner." Mrs. Hale's chest puffed up as she smiled. "Chief Ranson is stopping by in a few hours."

She had to suppress a giggle at the mention of the Port Angeles Chief of Police. Chief Mark complained every time Bella cooked dinner for him that Mrs. Hale made the driest roast he'd ever eaten and that her company wasn't much better.

"I'll be out of your hair by then," she promised.

"So long as you are, he's upstairs in his room. Please remind him that if he keeps up this childish brooding that his father and I will be…displeased with him."

"Yes ma'am," Bella sighed, remembering all at once that being Jasper's best friend hadn't been all sunshine and rainbows.

Moving as quickly as possible away from the hateful woman, she reached the wide wooden staircase to the left of the entryway. She climbed slowly, trying to steady her breath and her nerves. It was ridiculous that she was still so tense. Charlie had let her pull her sick act on him, so she'd had an entire day home alone to read Edward's journal and to think and stress and get herself ready for this moment. She'd just reached the top of the stairs when Rosalie emerged from her room. Bella froze as she made contact with icy blue-gray eyes.

"What are _you_ doing here?"

"I need to talk to your brother," Bella whispered.

Rosalie frowned. "Why the hell would you need to talk to him?"

"None of your business."

"Just…you know what? Never mind. You're right. It's none of my business."

"No, wait!" Bella said, grabbing her arm as she moved to walk past her. "I…"

Still frowning, Rosalie removed Bella's fingers from around her arm. "Just keep the whole picture in mind. The _whole_ picture."

"Why are you suddenly being all nice to me?"

"Because you're better than this. And because you don't have anyone else to tell you so."

Bella watched her go, the strangely thoughtful words echoing over and over again inside of her head. Puzzling though they were, coupled with the mouth speaking them they became almost inconceivable. She breathed deeply, filing her confusion away with the knowledge that if she allowed herself to think about one more out of order aspect of her life, her brain might very well implode.

With a few tentative steps, she moved to stand in front of Jasper's door. She could hear the muffled beats of some angry rock coming from inside. At first, she raised her hand to knock. Frowning, she instead reached for the brushed silver of the knob, the clamminess of her palm making it slippery in her grip.

Steeling herself, she turned until she heard a faint click and then pushed the door open. Inside, Jasper law sprawled across his floor, his eyes covered by the crook of his elbow. The room around him was a complete disaster; clothes were strewn everywhere, paper was crumpled and pitched about the room, stacks of books leaned precariously in ever available space except the shelves they belonged on. The mess was almost enough to make her smile. She took comfort in the familiar, in the idea that some things about him were exactly as she remembered.

His voice, worn and annoyed at the same time, snapped her focus back to his prone form. "Rosalie, I told you to leave me the hell alone."

Bella started at his words, staring at him. He didn't flinch when he spoke. His eyes remained covered, and she took comfort in her momentary anonymity. The element of surprise made her brave, and the trembling in her knees seemed to slow.

"Do you want me to leave you alone, too?"

Immediately he was upright, his gray eyes wide and his mouth gaping open. He sat there, staring, for two blinks before scrambling to his feet.

"You're here."

"Yes."

"But…why?"

"To talk."

"To talk?"

"_Just_ to talk."

"Ok," he said slowly, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.

She felt those narrow eyes on her as she walked toward the leather office chair in front of his large computer desk. Her first inclination as she sat was to perch on its very edge, ready for flight at a moment's notice, but she knew she had to pick fight over flight, and so she forced herself to push back, settling for at least the appearance of calm.

"What are we talking about?" Jasper asked when she didn't say anything.

"You," she said, pivoting with her feet so that the chair moved from side to side. "And me. You and me."

"I thought we already did that. Yesterday. Remember? When you kicked me out because you needed time because fucking Cullen brought you baked goods."

"I kicked you out when it became clear we were incapable of talking. And I _took_ the time I needed. All my time did was create more questions."

"What did his note say?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Like hell it doesn't!"

"J, I'm here to talk about you and me, not me and Edward."

"If I had a fucking say there wouldn't _be_ a you and Edward."

She clenched her eyes shut, grimacing in annoyance. "What do you think I'm here for, you ass. I'm giving you your say!"

"Oh."

"Yeah. Oh. When did you become such a raving douche?"

"Right about the time you morphed into a selfish, manipulative – "

"I'm manipulative?" she demanded.

Jasper exhaled through his nose, his fingers moving up to massage his temples. "I didn't mean that. You just…I get so frustrated and…well…"

"Look, I didn't come here to fight with you. Why don't I just ask you my questions and you can answer them?"

"Do I get to ask you about shit?"

"Yes," she said, deciding that she didn't feel like tip-toeing around their issues. "What did you mean when you said you wanted me?"

"Is that seriously a question?"

"I _seriously_ just asked it, didn't I?" she snapped.

"What happened to not wanting to fight?"

"This isn't going to work," she countered, rising to her feet and shaking her head.

"What? No!" he objected, moving to block the door.

"You're making fun of me. Again. You're deflecting me. Again. Answer my damn question or get out of my way!"

"So that's it? You're just going to run away? _Again_?"

Her breath came in angry huffs as she seethed at the mockery laced in his last word. "Stop it. Just stop it."

"What, B? Stop calling you on your shit?"

"Stop trying to distract me from my questions by trying to make me feel _worthless_. It's not going to work. Not this time."

"I'm not."

"You are! You're such a freaking coward!"

"What did you just call me?"

"A chicken. A wuss. A fucking _coward!_" She was yelling by the end of her sentence and didn't care.

Jasper was across the room in a second, his hands reaching to grasp her upper arms. His hold was lose and almost gentle, completely incongruous with the wild intensity in his eyes. "I am _not_ a coward."

"Then answer my question."

"Bella – "

"Answer my question or let me go," she whispered.

"I…" he trailed off, his eyes staring skyward as though he'd find some way to counter her spelled out in the coded texture of his ceiling. His chest heaved with the effort of forcing himself to breathe. "I want you…I want you because I fucking love you."

The slow reluctance of his words, his inability to look at her as he said them, was like a stab in the gut and she wrenched herself away from him. "Then why?"

"Why what?" he asked, his skin paling as he sank onto his bed and stared at his hands.

"Why didn't you _tell_ me?"

"Why _would_ I tell you?" he asked, the flames of his quelled anger flaring back up in his tone.

"What?"

"Why would I tell you?" he asked again.

"Because…Because you _knew_!"

"Knew _what_, B? That you were replacing me in your life like it was no big deal? That you didn't want me muscling in on your _new_ best friend? That all of a sudden I wasn't fucking good enough for you? Not even enough at all?"

"You're being deliberately obtuse!"

"Fancy words don't make what I'm saying any less fucking true."

"You _said_. The day you keyed Edward's car, you _said_ that I was just a bitter, jilted – "

"We weren't friends!"

"But…what about my secret?"

"God, Bella. That was the worst secret ever. I wouldn't have even had to tell anyone. Everyone could see you salivating over him!"

"Him?"

"Fucking Cullen!"

"Edward?" she asked, confused.

"Who the hell else would I mean?"

"You!"

He blanched. "Me?"

"Yes! You! You were talking about my secret…about me seeing you and Alice on the couch that day. About _you_ jilting me when..."

"I…wait, what?"

"You…you weren't talking about how I feel about you?"

"No, I wasn't. And like I would ever tell anyone about…about that day."

"But…"

"You liked me?" he asked suddenly.

"Love," she corrected in a voice so quiet that at first she didn't think he heard. "I _…_I thought you knew." His serious expression – his obvious confusion – freaked her out. "I kissed you! Twice! You said we _had_ to!" She was floundering, drowning under the weight of his revelation and hers. She realized she was crying when she started to sob, her chest heaving with every gasping breath.

"You mean you kissed me the first time and then you crumpled up my God damn not and pitched it back at me!"

"Because you'd been manipulating me! For ages, Jasper. I was so confused. You were with _Alice_. You'd never shown interest in me!"

"You just weren't looking!" he yelled.

The door suddenly swung open. Mr. and Mrs. Hale stood shoulder to shoulder, matching expressions of disgust on their faces.

"Is there a problem here?" Mr. Hale asked.

"The only problem is you eavesdropping on my private conversations," Jasper seethed.

"You don't have private conversations in _my_ house, pal," Mr. Hale argued.

"Not that it would have mattered with all the barbaric shouting. I simply will not tolerate it any further," Mrs. Hale pouted. "Bella may have been raised by a – "

"Don't you talk about my father! Don't you _dare_!"

"I will talk however I want in my own home, missy. And if you plan on staying here much longer I suggest you speak to both my wife and I with respect!"

"She's not going to be here much longer," Jasper scowled. Bella sucked in her breath and whirled to face him. "Come on," he continued, grabbing her hand and moving toward the door. "We're leaving."

"You most certainly are not! We have dinner with the Chief tonight and – "

"And I'm not going to be there."

"Don't you talk to your mother that way!"

"Then don't you let her talk to Bella that way! We're _leaving_."

"Jasper Whitlock Hale! You get your butt into the kitchen right now!"

He didn't respond. His hand still clasped with hers, he drug Bella past his red-faced and steaming parents and down the stairs to the front door. She stayed silent as he grabbed his keys and leather jacket off the hooks by the door, scooping up his helmet just as his parents came running down after them. Jasper swung the door open, yanking her out behind him. She'd just managed to pull her free hand through the doorway when he slammed it shut behind them.

"Where are we going?" she panted as she ran behind him toward the garage. She prayed that he didn't say Lake Crescent…that they were going anywhere but there.

"Away from here," he said, sliding the cool leather around her shoulders.

She reached for the offered helmet and held it poised over her head. "Jasper, I – "

"The river. We're going to the river."

He waited for her to tug the heavy plastic into place before climbing into his bike. She hesitated, wringing her hands as she stared at the tiny space left for her on the seat.

Jasper's lips pressed into a thin line. "We can take my dad's car if you want."

"No," she whispered, moving to slide behind him. "No, let's just get out of here."

Her arms wrapped tentatively around his waist, and she felt him suck in his breath as her hold tightened, leaving her hands pressed up against the firm muscles of his abdomen. It was absolute déjà vu, right down to the sinking feeling of guilt when she unconsciously pressed herself against him as closely as she could. As he revved the engine, Bella told herself that she was hanging on for safety – that she didn't want to get hurt – but the tighter she clung, the more she ached. Her only consolation was that the Hale's lived so near to the Bogachiel that the ride would be a short one.

When Jasper approached the turn at the end of his drive, she shifted her hands higher up his chest to get a better grip and immediately felt his heart banging against his rib cage. It was so strange to compare this reaction with the cold, sneering veneer he'd hidden under for so long. She still couldn't combine these two Jaspers and didn't know if she ever really could.

They'd just rounded the last bend that would take them to the spot they'd always used to hike down to the river and fish with Charlie and Emmett when she saw the black car flying closer. She tried to tell herself that it was just a black car – that it could be anyone behind that wheel – but as it flew closer she could see the black of the rims and she knew that it could only belong to Edward. Her whole body tensed and her stomach turned over as the guilt again flooded her system. She turned to face away from the oncoming car, clenching her eyes shut and resting her helmeted head against Jasper's back.

She could feel herself buckling under the weight of it all, knew that she was too weak to keep carrying on like she had. All she'd wanted were answers, to know the things that everyone seemed to be hiding from her so that she could finally figure things out. Now she wished she didn't know any of it – that she hadn't followed Edward out of the cafeteria that day. That she hadn't crumpled up Jasper's note. That she'd locked her window. That she'd just read her damn book instead of wondering about the sounds outside. That she'd just kept to herself and just survived high school like a normal person.

It was easy – too easy – to think about all the things she could have done to not rock her boat. It was even easier to imagine burying herself in the sand for the next year and a half and pretending none of this had happened.

At that moment, she wanted to punch Edward square in the nose. A surge of anger swept through her at the realization that he was exactly right. She'd been weak and mousy and _pathetic_, and she'd expected him to stand there while she fixed herself. She'd read his journal from cover to cover and had practically felt his frustration and annoyance at her in the entries after their fights. But she'd sensed impatience too, impatience for her to turn burst out in front of him like a butterfly out of a cocoon and she just _wasn't ready_.

Her eyes opened when she felt the bike slowing, and her death grip on Jasper loosened as they eased off onto the shoulder. They coasted to a stop behind the tree-line, shielding the sleek motorcycle from view. Bella climbed quickly off the motorcycle, jumping immediately to stand next to a large cedar and yanking off the helmet.

Jasper watched her with a frown. "You don't have to feel guilty, you know."

"Guilty?" she squeaked. "What would I be guilty about?"

He rolled his eyes and sighed, running a hand through his hair and immediately sending her mind back to Edward. "That was Cullen's car, B."

She sighed. "Yeah, it was. And I can't help it."

"Why did you come to my house today?"

"I told you. To talk."

He reached for her hand, and she hesitated for only a second before lacing her fingers with his and following him down the narrow, overgrown trail that led to the river. They walked in silence, and Jasper's hold on her was firm and sure and steady and confusing. Only when they finally broke out of the woods and stood next to the clear, rushing water of the river did he release her.

"What made you want to talk?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You could have said any of this to me the other day. Or _any_ day for that matter. But you didn't. What made you want to talk to me _now_?"

She stood staring at him, biting her lip. He needed to know but she was terrified to tell him, terrified that he would misinterpret it. "Because of Edward's journal."

His brow furrowed. "Edward's journal? What the hell?"

"Edward left me his journal. And he told me to read it – all of it. And I did."

"And _that_ made you want to talk to me?"

"Didn't you…didn't you read it?"

"Only the part I read out loud, B. And I fucking swear that I never meant to read the parts about you. I only wanted to read the shit he said about the rest of us."

"We've gone over that," she said, brushing the statement aside with a flick of her hand. "But if you didn't read it, how did you know where that section was?"

"Alice."

"_Alice?_"

"She was the one who took it. I'd talked about it – he wrote in the fucking thing every free second, watching you like a creepy ass stalker the whole time – and then Alice just slipped it out of his bag in calculus. She must have read some in class, I don't know, but I didn't notice she had it until we left for lunch. She pointed the part I was reading out to me, fucking laughing. And then…that's when I stood up like an idiot and I just wasn't _thinking_ and he makes me so god damn _angry _and I yelled at you that night when that wasn't my plan at all and I've just sat around stewing about how epically stupid I was ever since."

"Alice took it? Alice is the one who stole it?" Bella demanded.

"Yeah, she said we could have fun reading it all later and laughing. I think…well, what I think doesn't matter."

"She is such a _bitch._"

"I'm the one who read it," he said, jumping in. "Not Alice. She didn't want me to read it, she tried to talk me out of it."

"Because she fucking knew what it said after. But that's not the point. The point is she thought that the journal would be about Edward and I _doing_ stuff. She was trying to make you mad. She was _scared_ and so she tried to…she was freaked out because you were being so jealous and so she tried to make you hate me!"

"That's awfully – "

"Awfully what? Devious? No shit. I can't believe her! No, I take it back. I totally can."

"You're getting distracted," he said. "Why the fuck did Edward Cullen's diary make you want to talk to me."

"Because most of it's about you."

He just stared at her.

"Most of the notebook is about you and me. I mean, lots of it is about Edward and I, but most of it is about how mad he was for how I felt about you and how weak I was around you. And a huge chunk is about you watching me. Your face when you would watch, how you acted. Things I never even noticed because I'd convinced myself that you just hated me for that stupid note you wanted me to give to Alice."

"I was a jackass, I'll admit it."

"You were worse than a jackass. You were downright cruel."

"Because you'd been treating me like dirt!"

"No I hadn't! I was terrified of losing you! I thought I already had!"

"Does it look like I'm fucking going anywhere?"

His words hung there in the air between them. She stayed perfectly still, considering those words, thinking about what she'd planned to do. She remembered her still raw guilt when she'd seen the Volvo. She remembered what Emmett had told her in the library. She remembered every mean thing Jasper had ever said to her. She remembered cartoons and crustless PB&Js. She remembered the day she'd caught him and Alice on the couch. She remembered every other trip to the river he'd taken her on.

"I don't want you to go anywhere," she said simply.

"Good. Because I'm fucking not."

"I mean I want you to stay with me, J."

"Are you serious?"

"Would I really lie to you right now?"

"And Cullen?" he asked cautiously though his eyes already sparked with the same passion that had already been her undoing.

"I've waited for you forever. It's like you said…"

"We have to," he said gruffly.

"We have to at least try."

"Fuck trying."

And then he was at her side, lips burning up her throat and to her mouth. She felt like flames were licking at every square inch of her. Fear came with the heat – that terror that a burn like this would leave her scarred – but this time she didn't let herself think. This time, she surrendered.


	18. Chapter Eighteen: She Realizes

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish SM didn't own them either.

_**Chapter Eighteen – She Realizes**_

Bella sat in her truck, her knee bouncing up and down and her hands tapping spastically on the steering wheel as she stared through the rain and waited. For now, everything was fine…everything was _normal_. As far as Mike Newton and Lauren Mallory and Eric Yorkie and everyone else knew, today was no different than it had been the previous day. She was still a doormat and Jasper was still an asshole and Alice was still addicted to drama and Rosalie was still addicted to attention and Edward Cullen was still the new guy with the holier-than-thou douche-itude perfected. They all waited, hovering like vultures, for these objects of gossip to appear…for something worthy of talking about to finally occur.

Part of her wanted to breeze past them all, head held high, and let them know how beneath her notice they were. But they weren't. She did notice them – she _did_ care – and so she hunkered down in her seat and scanned the parking lot. Alice's beat up Beamer was conspicuously absent from its usual parking place, a fact that made Bella's stomach jump in both guilt and glee. Her friend was hiding – there was no other explanation for Alice to miss out on the aftermath of the previous day.

The previous day. The words refused to conform to her perception of time. It was almost impossible to believe that Edward had first arrived less than three weeks ago. Three weeks. 21 days. 504 hours. 30,240 minutes. So much had happened – so much was still happening . Three weeks ago her life had been uncomplicated. She had lived in a universe she understood and could manage and she simply had to sit back and bide her time until she was finally free and could start over. These same thoughts had been running through her brain for days, but still she couldn't let them go.

A flash of black caught her eye, and her head jerked up to look in her rearview mirror. Edward's black Volvo drove behind her truck, pulling into Alice's usual space a couple spots down. Her whole body stood tense as she tried to keep from watching his door…tried to keep herself from wanting desperately to catch just a glimpse of him. Part of her wanted to see him look normal so she could stop feeling guilty. But the selfish rest of her wanted to see him as wrecked as she felt.

Even after reading his notebook – even after knowing the whole story – she'd known what she had to do.

Jasper had been tied up in her life practically since infancy. It killed her to have to read Edward's words, to see how many times her feelings for Jasper had hurt him and _why_ he'd been so hurt. But…he'd still kept everything a secret, and she hadn't been able to make herself forget his hypocrisy. If he'd been honest with her when she'd been honest with him instead of telling her just enough to appease her questions, Jasper's public performance wouldn't have changed anything.

Today could have been the same for her as yesterday in the same way it was for everyone else. But he'd lied and he'd kept secrets when she'd spilled her entire story and now she was left questioning every single thing she did. Her insecurity just made her mad at him again, irrational though it was. He was the one who had come and told her to stand up for herself. To fight for what she wanted. To forget everyone else and make herself happy. And now, she was doing what she could to make that happen.

When she glanced up again, he was standing in front of her truck, tiny rivulets of water running down the already slick surface of his rain jacket. She couldn't help but think of the hour he'd sat soaking wet in the tree outside of her window just to talk to her. Her heart jumped in her chest and her mouth went dry as he stood and continued to stare.

Her cheeks flamed red. She could see for the first time that his guard was completely down – she could see his anger in his eyes and his fear in the tense set of his shoulders and that tiny glimmer of hope in the way he was chewing on the very corner of his lip as he stared.

She felt like she couldn't breathe. Soon, Edward's eyes weren't the only ones on her. They'd captured the attention of the rest of the student body as well. When she could bear it no more – when she felt like diving under her dashboard and hiding her face in her messenger bag, she buried her face in her hands and tried to duck out of view.

After a few moments, she cracked her fingers to peek at her surroundings again. Edward was gone, and she let her hands melt off of her face into a twisted puddle in her lap. A quick glance showed that he had not proceeded inside as she'd hoped. Instead, he stood hunched over with his back pressed against the faded red brick of the main building, his eyes hidden from view by his hood. All around him people were whispering behind their hands, giggling and darting their eyes furtively between him and Bella.

He was _waiting_.

Bella didn't know what to do. He would find out. Hell, he already _knew_. He'd seen them when he left the cannolis. She hadn't returned his calls. He had to know. Which meant that he wasn't waiting to see her and Jasper together. He was waiting to see how she'd handle it.

His sick little tests drove her crazy. She wasn't a lab rat. She wasn't a _subject_ to be studied. She was a person…she'd been his _girlfriend_. She knew what he'd be expecting. All previous evidence showed that she'd do exactly as she'd done moments ago – she'd bury her head in the sand and hide behind Jasper and the idea that he would think that of her and be _right_ was maddening.

Just then, the flashy red of Rosalie's mustang pulled into its spot at the front center aisle. She could see Jasper's blond head in the backseat, and knew he and Emmett must have ridden with Rosalie because of the rain. As soon as the car had stopped, she could see him hurrying Rosalie out. When she'd made it through the open door, he flipped her seat forward and stepped into the rain. His eyes were automatically pulled toward hers. He smiled at her, and she felt the familiar flames lapping at her heart.

He wore his familiar bomber over a plain gray fitted t-shirt, but carried no other protection from the elements as he practically sprinted toward her. Before she even thought about what she was doing, she had opened the door and hopped to the ground to wait for him. His hand reached out for hers for the final few steps it took to reach her side. Immediately she'd reached out to meet his touch. He just stood there, looking at her for a moment, before he leaned down and brushed her neck with his lips.

"Ok?" he asked.

She nodded her assent and stood waiting as he draped her own rain jacket around her shoulders. When he was satisfied that she was protected from the never ending drizzle, he gripped her hand tighter and headed for class.

Jasper bristled under the stares, but she kept herself as calm as possible. She didn't cuddle into his side or giggle or bury her face in his shoulder as she walked – she just moved forward as if she'd been doing it every day for her whole life.

The whispers intensified, a steady hiss of sound snaking its way through the open courtyard. It took all of her focus to keep from faltering. She knew Edward was watching, could feel his eyes burning a hole in her side. They'd almost made it to the door before she allowed her eyes to glance in his direction.

He was still standing hunched against the wall, but the tension in his shoulders had doubled and all hope had evaporated. He seemed empty to her, and her shoulders drooped at the thought.

Sensing her mood, Jasper followed her eyes and frowned.

"Bella – "

"I know."

"I just – "

"I _know_, J."

"We talked and – "

"And I told you before I went home home. The last three weeks happened, whether you or anyone else likes it or not. I can't just erase them just like you just can't erase Alice and – "

"I don't think we need a rehashing of Jasper Hale's Top Ten Moments of Fuckery," he grumbled.

"I didn't mean to. I swear. But…we both have to be patient with each other. We've got a lot of water and stuff under our bridge and…well…"

"Some shit over the top?"

Bella smiled up at him sadly. "Yeah."

"I told you I was sorry."

"We still have more to talk about."

"We could ditch English?"

She came to an abrupt halt midway through rounding the corner that would take them to the portable. "You just want me away from Edward."

"Fine. If there was such a thing as fucking Cullen repellant, I'd make you bathe in it. Honestly, just being here is pissing me off. Let's bail. They can all gossip to their pathetic little hearts' content, and when we come back it won't be as big a thing."

"Are you crazy? It will be just as big a deal!"

"It won't feel like as big a deal to _me_."

"I already blew off English like three times in the last month, Jasper. I don't think – "

"I'll text my dad. He'll mark us excused. Come on."

"Where are we going?"

"Pancakes?"

"We'll never make it to Kalaloch in time for breakfast. And we certainly won't be back here in time for history. Probably not for math either, and I _refuse_ – "

"Please?" he asked quietly, reaching out to again take hold of her flailing hands. "I…well…I mean…fuck it. I want us to start fresh, Bella. We need to talk more where we can't be..."

"Distracted?" she offered, unable to look him in the eye. "All right. But I have to be back for calculus."

"Deal," Jasper said, leaning down and kissing her casually before tucking her into his arms and burying his face in her hair.

That same nonchalance she'd tried to put on when they had approached the school terrified her when displayed by Jasper. She'd been pretending – _acting_ like everything was fine when inside she was a million kinds of a mess. Jasper, though, seemed to genuinely think that everything was normal and ordinary and not so confusing that it seemed like nothing would ever make sense again. For as much as Bella wanted to believe Jasper's apology – as much as she wanted to try – a part of her still couldn't trust him enough to know that this wasn't all some big game or cruel joke.

With her face buried in his shoulder, Bella was biting her lip and trying not to cry. It was all so overwhelming and it took every ounce of effort she had left not to just throw her arms wide and scream into the sky. Having to stand there in that moment and feel so much, her boy troubles felt anything but petty and insignificant.

When they finally released their hold on each other, she knew immediately that he'd be watching. It was like some crazy sixth sense – an alarm bell ringing in the back of her head – that let her know that Edward was looking. Her eyes roamed until she spotted him, standing outside of the English building. His hood was thrown back, and she could see the flush of anger in his cheeks. Too soon, she knew, she forced herself to turn away, letting Jasper lead her back to her truck.

"Can I drive?"

"What?" she asked, wrinkling her nose in confusion.

"I want to drive."

"But…_why_?"

"Because this truck is an example of American engineering at its best."

"Stop making fun of me," she sighed, moving toward the driver's side door.

"I'm not!" he argued, stepping between her and the rusted metal.

"You've called my truck all sorts of names since I've had it. You said it should be put out of its misery."

"I didn't mean it."

"So you were just being an ass?"

"Yes. I was absolutely being an ass."

"It's not funny."

"Believe me, I know."

"So why do I feel like you're mocking me?"

"Because you don't trust me."

"Should I?"

"Quit being ridiculous and fork over the keys."

"You didn't answer my question."

Sighing, he stepped closer to her. "I know I fucked up hardcore – _really _hardcore – but I want to fix it."

"I know," she said, handing him the keys. "But – "

"It's going to be hard. Yeah, yeah."

She frowned the entire way around the truck. When she'd opened the door and settled in, she found that he was frowning too.

"How can you be so calm about this?" she demanded.

"What does that mean?"

"Aren't you scared or _anything_? Nervous? Apprehensive?"

"At the risk of sounding like a tool, what I am is fucking grateful, B. I've wanted you and wanted you and I was such a god damn prick and here you are, talking to me and trying to figure this shit out. Yeah, I'm scared. Yeah, I'm apprehensive. But I'm not going to just give up. That's what I did before and behold my success," he said, shaking his head and cranking the key in the ignition.

Jasper stayed silent for much of the ride down the coast, though the quick glances he made toward her let Bella know that he was clearly waiting for her to talk. It was strange, being near him and staying so quiet…no arguing, no jumping each other, just a not quite peaceful silence. They needed more arguing and more talking and, she had to own, more jumping each other. But the idea that they could just sit comforted her, pushed back her fears.

They hadn't done much talking the previous night by the river. She instinctively tucked her chin into her chest, letting her hair fan down and hide the burning of her cheeks as she remembered exactly how little talking they'd done. She'd driven home from the Hale's afterward an emotionally drained mess and still hadn't recovered.

Everything had been so in the moment – had happened so fast – that she'd forgotten half of the things she'd needed to say to him and ask him about. His revelation that he'd thought she hated her had made her forget the rest of the hateful things he'd said to her the day he keyed the Volvo.

"You said my sick little obsession with you."

He jumped at the sound of her voice, his head whipping back and forth between her and the slick, windy road spread out in front of them. "What?"

"The day you keyed Edward's car. You said you'd tell everyone about my sick little obsession with you. I thought – "

"That's not what I meant."

"Are you sure? Because it sounded to me like – "

"I'm serious. I…Alice told me that you played these games. That you'd try to make me uncomfortable or freak me out just to prove you could."

"Alice told you that?"

"Yeah. Like that day Emmett asked you out? She told me you put him up to it."

"But…I talked to Emmett about that! He _explained_ to you – "

"I thought he was covering for you."

"Why the hell would he do that, J?" she demanded. "It would've – it _did_ just piss off Rosalie."

"And then there was you holding my hand the day Cullen showed up and that day in the library with Emmett. _And_ all the shit with Cullen… agreeing to be his partner instead of mine in English, being his personal fucking tour guide."

"That doesn't have anything to do with me having an _obsession_ with you. With everything else you said that day, about me catching you and Alice and my _unrequited _crush and – "

"I already told you – "

"Yes, I know you did. But – "

"But you don't believe me," he finished for her.

"I'm sorry. I'm just trying to figure this whole mess out. You confused me for so long and – "

"Alice told me all that, Bella. I fucking swear. But it was my dumb ass that believed it. I _wanted_ to believe it, because even if you _hated_ me I still mattered. God, I sound like a total fucking pussy right now."

"It's just….I had this picture of what you thought of me and so I assumed…"

"And I told you about the unrequited crush part. I…I was totally convinced that Edward was just using you to piss everyone else off. I told you about the way he'd fucking smirk at me and…well."

"You were right."

"In the beginning I was," he mumbled.

"What?" she said, turning her attention away from the gray-blue blur of ocean flying past her window.

"I was wrong. Cullen likes you," he admitted, though his whole body was rigid as he watched her out of the corner of his eye.

"I know he does," she sighed. "And right now I wish he didn't."

"Me fucking too," Jasper agreed, flipping the turn indicator and getting ready to pull into the Kalaloch parking lot.

Kalaloch was a large collection of beachfront cabins, some directly on the bluff, with a large lodge – covered in shingles faded gray by the ocean breeze – that served quite possibly the most delicious pancakes Bella had ever eaten. Not that she'd eaten all that many outside of the lodge, but still – she knew a good pancake when she presented with one, and these were the fluffiest, most delicious, and most perfectly golden brown she'd ever even seen

She heaved open the door and jumped quickly to the ground, sliding just barely on the sandy mud deposited on the pavement. The steady roar of the ocean surrounded her, and she breathed deeply of the salty air, just tinted with the sweet smell of cedar.

"If I could live here, I'd do it," Jasper said, coming up beside her.

"Your mother would _love_ that," she snorted, sliding her hand through his arm.

"I'm serious."

"What happened to your big New York plans?"

"I think those were Alice's big New York plans. I'd miss Washington too much."

"But you guys always said – "

"I said a lot of shit, B."

When she looked up at him, his face was calm and his eyes were slowly scanning the horizon. It had been easy to forget how much he loved the ocean too, how they used to come out with Charlie and play in the freezing water of the river let off. How Jasper used to engineer bridges for the tourists to walk across and then pout when Charlie wouldn't let him charge them to use it.

"Come on," she said, tugging gently on his arm. "I'm starving."

They walked up the ramp toward the entry, Bella stepping into the bright, warm interior while Jasper held the door open for her. They slipped inside, past the newspaper articles about Laura Bush's visit to the Washington coast and into the snug dining area. Aside from one elderly couple, the window covered room was mercifully empty.

"Two," Jasper said, smiling at the hostess.

"Aren't you two kinda young to be in here this time a day?" she teased.

"Mental health day," Jasper winked.

"All right. Well, I'll be your server this morning. Can I get you two something to drink?"

"Orange juice," Bella said.

"Coffee. Black. And I think we'd both like the short stack, extra butter and extra syrup. And," he paused to look at Bella, "two sides of bacon?"

"And a side of sausage," she added. "We'll share."

"Better make it two," Jasper amended. "You suck at sharing."

The waitress walked away with their unused menus still tucked under her and, scribbling on her pad and chuckling. They sat in silence once more while they waited for her to come back with a pot of coffee in one hand and Bella's juice in the other.

"Your food'll be out in just a sec guys," she told them over her shoulder

"I've missed you," Jasper said quietly when she'd walked away.

"Me too."

"I used to come up with these grand plans to get you back. Then I'd convince myself you'd laugh at me and chicken out. And that just made me angrier and angrier every time, even though it wasn't your fault."

"If I'd told you – "

"You're right. Why would you have? I misinterpreted everything, anyway. I'd have thought you were making fun of me."

"How do we go back?" she asked. "I…you hurt me so much. So much. And I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad, even if I kinda hope you do, but I cried so much and I was so exhausted and…I've been a mess."

"I have been too."

"Yeah. A mess with a girlfriend you liked a lot. And don't even try arguing with me. I know you liked her. You probably still do. But you were the one who was better off than me."

"You could have had boyfriends."

"Yeah. Mike Newton. Jake Black. Tyler. A veritable buffet of fine male specimens."

"Fine, point taken. But – "

He was interrupted by the arrival of their food. Two plates heaped with butter smothered pancakes were placed before them along with a pitcher of real maple syrup and their sides. Bella immediately pulled a plate of sausage toward her and doused it in the syrup while Jasper rolled his eyes and the waitress wrinkled her nose.

"I like what I like," she said simply, reaching for a piece of bacon and taking a bite.

When they had assured the waitress that everything looked delicious and they didn't need anything else, she left them and Jasper finished his thought. "You had Edward," he said between mouthfuls of pancake.

"I know I did. But…I couldn't be with him, not when I felt the way I feel about you."

As soon as the words left out of her mouth, she inhaled so sharply she almost choked on her sausage. She zoned out as Jasper changed the subject, already thinking ahead to the weekend and what movies were out in Port Angeles or maybe a road trip to Seattle if it didn't rain.

She hadn't been able to make it work with Edward because of how she felt about Jasper. So how the hell was she supposed to make it work, or even _try_ to make it work, with Jasper when she still had feelings for Edward. The realization was like the keystone of the emotional mess she'd been all day. With that final piece in place, the fear she'd felt all day made sense. She'd felt exactly the way she had when she was with Edward, only in reverse. The guilt and apprehension and nerves even when she was theoretically happy…it was all the same.

The familiar drowning sensation washed over her and she had to fight to keep her face calm and interested. Jasper stopped talking.

"You ok?"

"Yeah," she choked out. "Something just went down the wrong pipe, that's all."

"Drink some juice then. And try to take smaller bites. There's plenty."

She returned his nervous smile with a wobbly one of her own. The rest of breakfast seemed to crawl by. She still chatted, she still laughed, she still ate, but inside she felt nothing. All she could think about was what she was going to do. She hadn't been lying when she said she'd missed Jasper – she had – and she didn't know how she was going to keep from losing him, keep from hurting him again.

In that moment, all she knew was that she'd made a huge mistake.


	19. Chapter Nineteen: She Can Do It

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish SM didn't own them either.

_**Chapter Nineteen – She Can Do It**_

Edward wasn't standing outside when Bella rumbled into the parking lot Monday morning. She hadn't really expected him to be in the torrential downpour, so she was very surprised to see that Jasper was. He stood leaning against his sister's car, a huge umbrella in his grip, watching. The look on his face broke her heart into a million pieces. Equal parts rage and hurt and frustration and hate and love beamed across the parking lot like emotional lasers, and each tiny pulse felt like a direct hit.

It was hard not going to him, not burying herself into his chest and inhaling him, holding him, and making that awful look go away. She'd thought he hated her before, but now she'd given him a reason for it. Yet still he stood, staring relentlessly at her, his cool gaze trapping her in the cab of her truck. She was thankful that there was no one else to witness the moment of weakness when she'd reached for the door almost desperately just as he turned to walk away from her.

Bella waited until he had stalked inside before climbing out, rushing across campus and ending up three minutes late to first period. When she walked in, she noticed Edward's seat was empty. Even though she knew it shouldn't, her heart sank in her chest. Jasper was staring at her still, his eyes boring into hers, and all she wanted to do was run right back out the door. Instead, she sat quietly, once again looking resolutely forward and taking meticulous notes as she focused on anything but the tingly feeling of being watched.

By the time the bell rang, the torrential downpour had stopped, letting students dawdle together in little groups outside. Walking to her next period, gossipy whispers assaulted her ears from every direction.

"I heard that McCarty and Rosalie walked in on Jasper and Bella doing it on his bike."

"I heard Hale showed up at the new kid's house and threatened him with a _gun_."

"No way. _I_ heard Cullen strung up a dead bird outside Jasper's window!"

She couldn't stop herself from snorting derisively. At least as far as rumors went, these were out of the box. She was just about to open her mouth with a retort when she heard a rumor that made her heart stop in her chest.

"Did you hear about Alice though?" Lauren Mallory's nasally voice questioned. "I might have heard that there's a reason she hasn't been in school since Jasper dumped her ass."

It was like a bucket of cold water had been dumped on her head. Bella pretended to dig through her bag, glancing at the group of students huddled together. Lauren's mouth was set into a grim line, but her eyes were alight with the excitement of knowing something no one else did.

"What?" Jessica Stanley demanded. "Is she ashamed to show her face? Not enough black in her wardrobe for a proper drama queen mourning period?"

"Better," Lauren whispered over the strained silence. "My mom saw her name on the rotation charts at the hospital, but Dr. Cullen snatched the file before she could see."

Bella held her breath, unable to hear whatever it was that Eric Yorkie was whispering to Lauren, who gave a sad chuckle in response.

"As if, Eric," she scoffed. "Her parents have demanded total privacy. The rumor is she's there for _psychiatric _observation."

"What'd she do, slit her wrists?" Jessica asked.

Lauren only smiled knowingly, and it took all of Bella's limited self-control to keep her from running over and yanking the other girl to the ground by her gaudy earrings. Her breath hitched in her chest as she contemplated what was being said. Alice wasn't the slit her wrists type. At least, she wasn't before. She'd once broken a nail while distressing a bolt of denim and had cried for days that her finger was going to have to be amputated to save herself from the pain. But then…Alice _was _a drama queen. It would be _just_ like her to get pouty and then cut off her nose to spite her face.

Dropping her bag back to her side, she raced across campus to the physics lab, peeking her door in to see if Emmett had arrived. She was thankful when he looked up right as her head came into view, immediately standing and hurrying to her side as he caught the panicked look on her face. He took her arm, leading her around the corner so that they were hidden by the lockers.

"What is it? What's he done to you now? I swear to fucking – "

"No one did anything to me. I just…I heard…I mean, everyone was talking and…"

"No, Cullen didn't nail a dead cat to the Hale's front door, Bella."

She scowled at him. "I know that," she snipped. "Alice. Tell me about Alice?"

"What about Alice?" he asked, his brow furrowing as he cocked his head to the side.

"She didn't…I mean she hasn't…she's still…"

"Still _what_?"

"She didn't kill herself did she? I mean, I know it's stupid but it was Lauren and her mother – "

"I am going to string that bitch up by her fake nails," Emmett said, his eyes narrowing as he scanned the halls and rubbed a fist into his open palm.

"So Alice is all right?" Bella breathed, her hand flying to her chest.

"Physically, yes. Mentally, that girl is looney tunes."

"What – "

"I don't mean because of you. I mean in general. She's been skipping classes to avoid seeing Jasper. Then, this weekend when everyone heard about you guys going to Seattle together, she started claiming she was going to eat paint or fill her pockets with rocks and drown herself in the ocean or some shit."

"Are you kidding me?"

"No. You know her mother. Alice went straight to the hospital for a psych evaluation. Any excuse to get people to talk about her. Total BS."

"So she's fine."

"Hell yeah she's fine. Dr. Cullen sent her right home. I hear he gave her a pretty big lecture about the dangers of suicide threats and the selfishness of wasting precious hospital resources for made up maladies and shit."

"How do you even _know_ this?"

"Mr. Brandon called Mrs. Hale Sunday night, trying to give her the heads up so she could try to convince Jasper to see Alice. She's apparently been sitting in her room screaming his name."

"She is _un_believable," Bella grumbled. "She used to do that all the time for attention – sit in her room and wail and wail until her parents gave in just to stop the noise."

"Well, Mrs. Hale reamed Jasper pretty good about it all. Rosie and I heard it from upstairs."

"Was Jasper upset?" she asked tentatively.

"He was ten kinds of pissed. He ripped into his mother about how Alice was manipulative and knew how people would react so she pulled these stunts all the time and he was sick of them. He said he wouldn't play her games anymore and went upstairs and slammed the door. Rose tried to get him to come out, but I didn't see him 'til they picked me up this morning."

"Wonderful. Really great."

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Bella. It's not your fault. Me being ten minutes late for physics is, though. Feel bad about that."

"Oh crap," she moaned. "I've got history. Thanks, Em. You're amazing."

"I know," he smirked, ruffling her hair before turning back toward his class.

Her feelings were mixed as she hurried to class. Relief that Alice wasn't really dead. Annoyance that she'd tried to start a rumor like that to get Jasper back. And anger that Lauren Mallory was such a total bitch. Not for the first time she wished she was still talking to Edward. This time, though, she wanted to be able to tell Dr. Cullen that Mrs. Mallory was going through patients' files and discussing their contents with her daughter.

Getting through the rest of the day was easier than she'd thought it would be, mostly because she only had Jasper's glares to worry about. She'd avoided him and hid in the library for lunch. She again kept her eyes resolutely forward through calculus. She skipped out on gym and headed back toward the library for her last period of the day. And, just before the bell finally rang, she bolted to her truck. Watching over her shoulder as she hurried out of the building, she breathed a sigh of relief that no one was following her.

When her eyes focused back on the direction she was walking, she stumbled. There he stood, waiting patiently next to her truck.

"Fleeing?"

"Or so I thought," she mumbled, fumbling with her key ring as she struggled to unlock her door.

"Just like that? We're back to the way things were?"

"Wait a second. Are you acting like this is _my_ fault?"

He looked at her like she had suddenly sprouted a second head. "You _were_ the one who broke up with me yesterday."

"And, if memory serves, _you_ were the one who went freaking postal on me!"

"I was upset," he said calmly.

"What do you _want_, J?"

"I want you to take back what you said yesterday. I want to fucking invent a god damn time machine and pop back about five years and kick my own ass. Then yours. I want to kiss you again. I want to yell at you until this fucking ache goes away."

"I can't do this. You know why I can't."

"I know why you _think_ you can't."

"Don't," she pleaded, pulling open her door and pitching in her bag. "Don't do this to me. Because I _want_ to take back what I said. But you know what else I want. It's too late."

"Don't fucking say that."

"It is. It's too late, and that blame we'll have to share."

"I'm begging. I miss you, B. I've missed you for years and I was an ass and I'm _sorry_ and I know I can't erase it but Jesus…don't do this to me again."

Bella inhaled sharply, her lips pressing into a thin line as she stared up at him. Her first response was to want to kick him in the shin for acting like this was her fault, but when she saw the desperate look in his eyes her frustration melted away. What he'd done to her aside, she _had_ abandoned him before.

"I just can't."

"You mean you won't."

"I can't because I won't."

"You're a fucking tease."

"You don't mean that," she said climbing into her truck. "And I'm leaving before you say a bunch of other stuff you'll just feel bad about later."

"Shows what you know."

She raised an eyebrow. "Do you see? Right now? This is why I have to do this."

"You have to do this because you're still salivating over Edward fucking Cullen."

"That's part of it too," she acknowledged.

"You're just selfish," he said simply crossing his arms and glaring.

She met his gaze and held it. "Yeah. I am."

With a quiet sigh, Bella heaved the door shut and started the ignition. Jasper was still standing there, the anger that had been on his face only seconds ago completely gone. Seeing him so blank made her want to leap back out of the door and apologize, but again she stayed strong and calmly pulled out of her parking space and drove away.

The entire trip home she thought about her last words to him. He was right, and she was right to admit it. But that didn't mean it was a bad thing. For _years_ she'd been so caught up in what Jasper thought of her and what everyone else was whispering that she'd hidden away and let herself be miserable. No more. As bad as she felt for hurting Jasper, she felt better knowing that for once she'd stood up and done what she knew she had to do.

She was almost smiling when she turned the corner toward home and saw a very familiar, very glossy black car parked in her driveway. Her first instinct was to jam her foot down on the gas and drive past as quickly as possible; it was too soon after her confrontation with Jasper to talk to Edward. She could see him waiting on her porch, and for a split second thought that his distance from his car might give her enough of a head-start to get away.

The road before her was long and straight, and with his absolute disregard for the speed limit when it didn't suit his needs, she knew she needed to stick to her new, independent woman mentality. Almost immediately her foot slipped from the gas and she slowed to turn into the driveway. Her heart was already starting to race as he moved down the walk, and she took a second to drink up the sight of him.

His hair was messier than usual, his face paler. He sported his familiar grimace, and the resigned dullness in his pale green eyes – no longer marred by scrawled on guyliner – made her stomach sink. She noticed that his nails were clean of any polish, but he still wore his ratty, dark wash jeans and a red flannel open over a black band t-shirt. He was heartbreakingly, rakishly _sexy_, and she was so busy ogling that he was almost to her door before she remembered that she was supposed to be getting out.

She got out of the truck and stumbled to the ground, slamming the door behind her. Her hands were already fidgeting as she tried to think of what to say to him. And how to say it. How was she ever going to tell him what she needed to tell him? She'd been so prepared to talk to Jasper – she'd had reason after reason why their time had passed. But the more she'd thought about it since that breakfast, she'd had less and less reasons to give Edward. Telling him that he'd been right all along – that she still had feelings for Jasper and she couldn't just forget – seemed impossibly hard.

"Hey," he said softly when they met on the path.

"Hey," she replied, and her voice sounded hoarse. She cleared her throat. "Did you…Are you here for your journal?"

"No. I mean, yeah, I want it back," he said quickly. "But that's not why I'm here."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Do you want to come in?"

He nodded and waited for her to slip around him. She kept her eyes on her hands and she walked quickly up to the front door, sliding her key in the lock and pressing it open with her shoulder. She dumped her bag and her keys at the hall tree and turned around.

"Wait right here," she ordered before running up the stairs and into her room, pulling the journal out from between her mattress and box-springs before sprinting back downstairs and thrusting it into his hands. "Here."

He reached to take the journal from her, and his fingertips just brushed hers. Immediately she felt that sense of _warmth_ and _peace_ and she blushed as she jerked back.

He set the journal on the hall tree with a whispered thanks.

"Edward – "

"I know you broke up with Jasper," he said all in a rush.

"What?" she demanded, stepping back.

"My mom." Bella cringed at the mention of Esme, her guilt doubling, but Edward ignored her and kept talking. "She overheard it at the grocery store."

"At the _grocery store_?"

"Yeah."

"Oh holy shit."

He didn't respond, but just stood with his hands in his pockets staring at his feet.

"So why are you here?" she asked, breaking the silence.

"I wanted to…I needed…Fuck it. I have no idea." He paused, glancing quickly at her. "So…so you did break up with Jasper?"

"Yes, but I – "

"I know. I just…I knew that it was too late."

"But – "

"No. I know how you work. If…if it had been because of me you'd have been at my house last night. Or today when you realized I was hiding."

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I'm just…you were right. You were right all along and I just can't make how I feel about him go away."

"Then why – "

"Because I can't make how I feel about you go away either."

His head snapped up and he took an automatic step toward her. "Bella – "

"No, don't," she said, holding up both her hands.

"I – "

"I can't, Edward. I can't do this. Not when I still feel the way I do about Jasper."

"I don't care," he said immediately. "That was my mistake before. I know that you feel more for me now than you did when we first started going out and I can tell…I don't care how you feel about him. I care how you feel about _me._"

"No," she said, stepping further back from his pleading face and seductive words. "No, please. I can't be with either of you. Both of you tried to argue that you were ok with it, but neither of you were."

"I miss you. I made a mistake. I told you I did."

"I know what you _said_. But that's irrelevant. _I_ felt bad. I felt guilty and horrible every time I kissed one of you – "

"Can we not talk about you kissing him?"

"See!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms wide. "You make those comments and I feel even _worse_. And anyway, I need to spend some time figuring stuff out. I spent so long in love with Jasper and pining away for him and letting him and Alice run all over me. I need some time to figure out how I feel about things."

"And you can't do that with me."

She smiled sadly at him and shook her head. "No. You're too good at fixing me. I need to fix myself."

"Who cares so long as you're fixed?" he demanded.

"I care! That's what I'm trying to tell you. _I_ care."

"I need you."

She wanted to tell him that she needed him too, because seeing him standing there she realized that she did. It would be easy, so easy, to close the distance and lean up and brush his lips with her own and collapse into his arms and let him fix her and have everything be happy and perfect.

"I want to give you what you want, I do."

"So do it. I don't give a shit about Jasper – that'll fade. I only give a shit about you. I don't care about anything else."

"You say that now but – "

"No. Because I love you."

She took another step backward, retreating into the living room and turning away from him. It was undeniable that his words had sent her heart racing, and she'd had to hide the gasp that had slipped involuntarily from her lips.

"I'm not going to apologize for saying it, Bella. You said what you had to say, and I couldn't leave here without at least letting you know that. I don't suppose I've changed your mind?"

Tears were streaming down her cheeks, and, with her back still to him, she tried to surreptitiously wipe them away.

"God damnit," she heard him mutter, and his footsteps immediately followed. "I'm such a dick. Come here," he said reaching out and placing a hand on her shoulder. Her whole body tensed as he pulled her to face him, reaching up to swipe at the wetness on her cheeks.

"You aren't. It's my fault, and I'm sorry," she whispered.

"No," he said, pulling her against his chest. "It's my fault. I should have told you about the journal the day you took me to Lake Crescent, but I was a chicken and I didn't."

"I overreacted about what Jasper read, but it _hurt_."

"Which is why I wrote it down in the stupid journal and didn't say it to your face. I was _angry_."

"I know," she said, separating herself from him and immediately missing the tingle that had run through her when he'd wrapped her in his arms.

"It didn't give me a right, but – "

"No, you can be mad at me. I deserved it. And you _had_ told me about what Seattle was like for you. And I _knew_ you weren't the type to prance around with eyeliner just because you _liked_ it. I just didn't ask."

"Can we still be friends?"

She shook her head slowly. "We both know that you'd never be all right just being friends."

"And you would be?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No," she said in a low voice. "No I wouldn't be."

"So let's be _more_ than friends."

"You can keep asking me, but I'm going to keep saying no. Please don't make me keep rejecting you."

He laughed, and it was so sudden and so full of genuine amusement that she couldn't help but smile in response. "I wish we lived in the old days. I'd show up, tell your father I wanted to take his _very_ marriageable daughter off of his hands, pack your shit up, throw you on my horse, and ride off with your sizable dowry."

"I wouldn't have a dowry," she pointed out with a snort.

"And I wouldn't care," he said, and her chest tightened.

"Would it make you feel better if I told you how hard this was for me?"

"Nope."

"Oh, well then I take it back."

"I don't want to see you unhappy. It's been killing me that I fucked this up so badly."

"This is about me. I'm the one that fucked up."

"And we really can't hang out anymore?"

"I don't think so."

"What if I tried to make you feel bad and pointed out that you're my only friend in Forks?"

She raised her eyebrows. "I'd say that's your own fault."

"Ok, then get ready for the big guns. My mom asked me to remind you that the tulip festival is coming up. She'd still love for you to go, and I'm supposed to bribe you with promises of cannolis."

"That's below the belt."

"I have no shame about fighting dirty when it comes to you."

"Tell your mother that I'm going to have to say no. But…wait a sec ok?" she said, running to the phone and grabbing a piece of paper. She scrawled a phone number on it and thrust it out at him. "Give her this."

"What is it?" he asked, his brow furrowed as he stared at the number.

"Reverend Weber's phone number."

"Are you telling me to turn to Jesus in my time of trial?"

"I said it was for your mother, didn't I? Mrs. Weber runs an arts and crafts fair every year. She's the nicest lady I know, and I'm sure she'd be thrilled to go with your mother. I can't think of a better friend for Esme."

"Thanks," he said, smiling and putting the piece of paper into his pocket.

"You'd better go," she said, trying not to frown or start crying again at the thought of him leaving. "Charlie'll be home soon and I promised him dinner."

"Oh? Well, I'd like to take this moment to remind you that you promised me processed American goodness as well. I believe meatloaf was mentioned?"

"Edward – "

"So you're going to break my heart and then push me back out to the cold, cruel world without feeding me?" he demanded.

"It's not funny."

"It kinda is."

"I'm serious. You can't stay. It's…please?"

"English!"

"What?"

"English. We need to talk about our English project. It's due in two weeks."

"So we'll talk about it at school."

"I don't like to procrastinate."

"Yes you do. You _always_ wait until the last minute."

"It would be selfish of me to risk adversely influencing your grade."

"Well, seeing as it's my grade, I'm telling you I don't mind. We can talk about it at school and divide up the work tomorrow."

"Why are you being so difficult?"

"Because! Because it's really hard for me to do this! Because I care about you, Edward, and I won't be responsible for stringing you along when I can't be with you. I _want_ to be. I want to have everything be easy and wonderful, but it isn't and it kills me that I'm hurting you and I'm tired of this guilt over how I feel. I can't…"

She trailed off at the shell shocked look on his face. She knew he'd been teasing, but a little flare of temper had ignited at his words. Now, seeing him, she just felt worse.

"Damnit," she sighed.

"No," he said slowly. "No. You're right. I just…I can't stand the idea of losing you."

"You haven't even known me a month."

"It feels longer than that."

"I know," she whispered.

"I won't ask again. And we'll do our project at school and I'll give you as much time as you want. But I'm not going anywhere."

"Don't say that," she said.

"No. You've said plenty of stuff that's hard for me to hear, and so you can hear me out. I meant it when I said I loved you. I didn't really realize it until the morning that everything went to crap. But I do. And just like how you feel about me and the douchefuck isn't going to go away, this isn't either. It kills me that I messed up so badly. I guess you deserve better than either of us."

She wanted to tell him that she could only hope to deserve him one day, but she knew she'd only be saying it to make herself feel better. Instead she just stared up at him, trembling when he reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ears.

"See you at school?"

With a silent nod she answered him, watching as he turned and headed toward the hall tree. He paused next to his journal, but left it there.

"Keep it," he said. "I want you to keep it."

"All right," she said.

"I'm gonna miss you hardcore."

"I'll miss you, too."

Edward opened his mouth to speak again, but instead just sighed, his shoulders drooping as he shook his head ruefully. He gave a little half wave and a resigned smile before opening the door and disappearing behind it.


	20. Chapter Twenty: She Improves

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish SM didn't own them either.

_**Chapter Twenty – She Improves**_

"Fork over the popcorn, woman."

"You've already eaten more than your share!"

"Don't care."

"We _know_ you don't. But _we_ do!"

"You can either hand it to me or I'll take it by force."

"Emmett Cullen! If you touch another kernel of freaking popcorn I will tell everyone at school about that time in second gra – "

"Jesus! Fine. You win. But I'm hungry."

"Go make your own," Bella advised.

"I'll make some more," Angela chimed in, getting up and pausing the movie. "We both know you're going to break down and let him eat the rest soon."

"It's because she loves me so much," Emmett smirked.

"It's because you're a toddler and you're going to nag me until I give in."

"Nope. It's what I said."

"I can't wait for Rosalie to get back from California."

"Ditto, my friend."

"Then you can go back to bugging her."

"Admit it. You'll miss me next year."

"I'm just disappointed you picked Tennessee and not, say, somewhere in Maine."

"There's no football in Maine, dummy."

"Bet there is."

"Bet there isn't."

"There's football _everywhere_. Well, not in Europe."

"Which is why I didn't apply to Oxford, Bella."

"Are you two going to argue or are we going to finish watching the movie?" Angela asked, walking to take the half empty popcorn from Bella to give it to Emmett before sitting down with the new bag.

"I want the new one."

"Emmett," Angela warned, picking up the remote and hitting play. "Quit being a two year old. I'd like to finish this movie sometime before the weekend ends."

Emmett stuck his tongue out at her and Bella rolled her eyes at him, settling back into the couch and reaching for the fresh out of the microwave goodness Angela was holding out to her. The sense of peace she felt sitting and laughing with her friends was still new to her, even after two months. Becoming friends with Angela was something she couldn't believe she hadn't done sooner. It had started not long after she'd given Edward Mrs. Weber's number. Angela had come to see her in the library at lunch, thanking Bella profusely for sending Esme to her mother. And it had all sort of clicked into place from there.

The stranger story was Emmett's. He'd started visiting with her and Angela at lunchtimes, often with Rosalie. At first, Bella had been nervous – she felt like she was being spied on – but the more they hung around the more she realized how paranoid she'd become. Emmett had finally come clean and told her that hanging out with her during her entire relationshipal disaster had made him realize exactly how much he'd missed her, so he'd prepared for battle with Rosalie – a battle which, strangely enough, had never come to pass.

It was hard to think about how badly she'd misjudged everyone. Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Edward…even Alice. But the lessons had been valuable, and recognizing the truth about who was her friend and who wasn't was very freeing. It was easier to hold her head high and make it through the day knowing that she cared so much less what people thought of her. And, because she _did _still care at least a little, it was easier knowing that there were people who cared about her.

"Crap," Angela moaned, looking down at her phone.

"Who's interrupting the damn movie now, Weber?"

"Can it, Emmett. I've gotta run."

"No you don't," Bella argued. "Come on. The movie's almost over!"

"Sorry, guys, but I really do have to go."

"Go where?"

"Um…a favor for my mom."

Bella's heart skipped a little in her chest, but she played it as smoothly as she could. "Oh? What?" Angela raised an eyebrow – apparently it wasn't smoothly enough. "You don't have to tip-toe around me. I'm fine."

"She needs me to pick her up from the Cullen's house. She and Esme just got back from the tulip expo."

"All right. Tell Esme I said hello?"

"Will do."

"Tell Mrs. Cullen _I_ say hi, too!"

"You've never even met her," Angela pointed out, her eyes narrowing as she considered Emmett.

"I've seen her. That's enough for me to want to say hello."

"Ugh, Emmett. Gross!"

"What?" he demanded. "Mrs. Cullen is hot."

"She's a _mom_!" Angela pointed out, scandalized.

"Not my mom," he said innocently, reaching for the last handful of popcorn.

"Ugh," both girls moaned.

"Prudes."

"Perv."

"I have to go before my naïve little ears are further traumatized," Angela said. "I'll see you in English tomorrow, Bella."

"What? No hug goodbye, Angy-poo?"

"Pick on me again and I'm texting your girlfriend," she warned.

"Why does everyone keep threatening me with Rosalie?"

"Why do you think?" Bella laughed.

"Fuck you both," he grumbled.

Angela reached down and grabbed her bag, pitching the remote at Emmett. "All right. See you guys later. I'll tell Esme you say hi. Both of you."

"Thanks," Bella smiled, waving as Angela disappeared down the hallway.

"I don't understand you," Emmett said after a long pause.

"What?"

"It's obvious you still have a thing for Cullen. Shit or get off the pot, yo."

"I already got off the pot."

"But you clearly still need to take a shit."

"That is the grossest analogy of all time, Emmett."

"I have to use simple words so your pea brain can understand them."

"Oh you suck."

"It's not my fault you're completely dense."

"It's complicated."

"It isn't."

"It is!"

"No, it isn't. You liked Jasper. Jasper was a douche. So you started to like Edward. Edward was a douche. Jasper liked you back and was still a douche. Edward liked you and was an apologetic douche. I see no complication here."

"Because you have the emotional maturity of a peanut."

"I just don't see why you're going to let go of someone you are obviously into and who is even _more_ obviously into you."

"Because I still like Jasper, Em. I don't want to. Hell, I kind of hate him, too. But…the feelings are still there. I care about Edward. I care about him a lot. It's better for both of us this way."

"I think he'd agree with me. You're a dork."

"I know I am. And I know he would. But that doesn't make me less right."

"Whatever you say, kiddo. I still think you should just take a big dump."

"Oh my God, get out," Bella laughed. "You're making me want to puke."

"While normally I would ignore you, I really should head home, anyway. Rose'll be back from Rhode Island soon and I have to finish my Calculus II homework before then."

"You really think she's going to pick Brown?"

"I think it'd make her happy. And she'd be closer than she would be at UCLA. I hate the idea of her being so far away."

"You know," Bella began cautiously, "long distances relationships are hard and – "

"Irrelevant. She's it for me. I'm gonna marry that girl."

"I wasn't saying it for your sake," she teased. "You really think _you _can get a girl like _Rosalie_ to marry you?"

Emmett just laughed, the heartiness making Bella grin up at him. "I absolutely do. I'm planning to lock that shit down as soon as possible."

"All right. Well, step one is making sure you're there when she gets home so get the hell out of here."

"I'm going," he said, rising to his feet and stretching his arms over his head before reaching down to ruffle her hair. "Be a good girl while I'm gone."

She just rolled her eyes, reaching to turn off the TV and following him down the hall to the front door. She stood under the front porch, just out of the reach of the spring drizzle, and waved as he sprinted to his jeep and backed out of the driveway. She was just about to head back inside when she saw a familiar hunter green BMW turn the corner.

Her whole body seemed to freeze as she recognized Alice behind the wheel. It was hard to resist her first instinct, but instead of bolting inside, locking the door, and hiding in her room, Bella simply crossed her arms and stood waiting on the porch.

She hadn't seen or talked to Alice since the disastrous dramatic reading. The rumors had run wild, first with a suicide attempt, then a fake suicide attempt. For a while the whispers were true, spreading the word that she'd been stalking Jasper in the days after Bella had broken up with him. Emmett had confirmed it to Bella one afternoon when they'd driven into Port Angeles to satisfy his craving for a dipped cone from Dairy Queen. While they'd been finishing their English project, Edward had told her that Alice had been leaving him constant voicemails. How she'd gotten hold of his cell phone number neither of them could figure out. As far as Bella knew, the phone calls had stopped after a week or so, and Alice still hadn't returned to school.

When the car pulled into the driveway, Bella was surprised to notice that Alice's formerly sleek bob had been hacked off into a short, pixie-like haircut. Her normally flamboyant clothing was gone, replaced by her favorite skinny jeans and an oversized white oxford – one that Bella knew to be Jasper's – swallowing her tiny frame.

"What do you want?"

"I wanted to talk to you," Alice said, her voice meek and broken. Combined with her smudged makeup and the general wildness in her eyes, the request was almost enough to make Bella feel sorry for her.

"I'm not really interested."

"Please, Bella. We used to be best friends."

"Did we? Because looking back, I don't think that's true at all."

"I loved him. I loved him and you took him from me."

"Theoretically, I could say the same to you."

"I didn't take anything that wasn't available for taking."

"You knew he liked me! You knew!"

"I didn't!" Alice protested.

"You knew. You told me you knew! And so you played us off each other so you could have your cake and eat it too."

"You don't understand."

"Oh? Then explain it to me," Bella demanded.

"You and Jasper weren't right for each other. And he was right for me and I _loved_ him. I could have made him happy!"

"God, I don't even know where to _start _with that bullshit," she argued throwing her hands up into the air before fisting them into her hair. "You know, you may be right. J and I may be completely wrong for each other. But you know what else? If you'd let us figure that out on our own, I never would have begrudged you taking a chance with him. Just like I sat back and didn't say anything when you were dating him before."

"But – "

"Not that you could have ever made him fucking happy, Alice. He's been _miserable_. But I don't suppose you noticed that. It killed him as much as it killed me to lose our friendship. And even though he was a giant douche of his own volition, you were still the one trying to turn us on each other. Not to mention the fact that you only know what will make _you_ happy. God, he didn't even want to go to New York. Did you know that? Did you even care about anything but having him? Did you even know him at all?"

"He never said that – "

"You never asked. Just like you just _assumed_ that you knew what was best for me when you started pushing me toward Edward."

"But you guys were – "

"No. Just…just stop it. I can't blame you for everything, because if I'd been smarter then none of this would even have been an issue. But I still blame you, and I blame you for Edward more than anything else. Because this screwed up what could have been a really good thing for me. I'd have gotten over Jasper if you hadn't been so busy making him jealous."

"Why would I _ever_ want to make Jasper jealous?" Alice demanded, stomping her foot in petulant annoyance.

"That's not what you were doing. You wanted him to think I'd never think about him because I had Edward. But all you did was piss him off. Didn't you realize that? If you'd just let me handle things in my own way, Jasper never would have felt the need to climb through my damn window and complicate this all to hell. We might even still be friends. But you didn't think about me or Jasper or Edward or anyone. You thought about yourself."

"I was thinking about everyone!"

"No. No, you were thinking about your perfect little plans for us. You were pigeonholing all of us into _your_ fucking vision of our future."

"I thought I was helping," she whimpered, her brilliant blue eyes brimming with watery tears. "I just thought that…well…"

"I don't care what you think anymore, Alice. You know, I was worried about you for a bit. I still missed my friend – the girl I could just sit with for hours and never be bored. But you didn't miss me. You're only here now because you couldn't get Jasper to come back to you. It's been two months Alice – longer than that really – since you've said anything to me. Did you really expect me to just forget everything had happened? Seriously?"

"No," she whispered, tugging at the rolled up cuffs of Jasper's shirt. "I just wanted to say I was sorry."

"Fine. But that doesn't change anything."

"I know. I knew before I came here it wouldn't. I came to say goodbye."

"Goodbye?"

"My parents are sending me to Mississippi to stay with my grandparents. They think a change of scenery will be good for me."

"Mississippi?"

"I know," Alice sighed, wrinkling her nose. "I doubt they've ever even heard of spangled polka dot tulle there."

"Thank goodness for them," Bella said, almost smiling. The idea that Alice would be gone left her feeling suddenly more buoyant. Selfishly, it was good to know that she could stop waiting for some new level of crazy to explode onto the scene. And a little part of her was glad for Alice. A fresh start would be good for her – it couldn't be healthy to be as hung up on Jasper as she apparently was.

"Anyway. Like I said. I just came to say that I'm sorry and…well…have a good life."

"I will. I hope Biloxi is good for you. Really."

"Not likely," Alice mumbled. "Anyway…would you, would you give something to Jasper for me? Or to Rosalie or Emmett to give to him?"

"Absolutely not," Bella said immediately.

"I promise it's nothing bad. I just needed to apologize to him and he wouldn't see me."

"I'm sorry, Alice. Put it in the mail or something, but I can't give it to him."

"Can't or won't?"

"Both."

"Fair enough. Bye, Bella."

"Goodbye, Alice."

Alice reached for her door handle but hesitated, turning back toward the porch. After a short pause she just shook her head, opened the door, and climbed slowly inside. The engine rumbled to life, and Bella stood, arms wrapped around her midsection, and watched the green car disappear once more.

Slowly she turned and headed back inside, walking straight to the kitchen and opening the refrigerator. She contemplated the contents for a long time, mulling over what had just happened and deciding what – if anything – she'd make for dinner. Her fight with Alice had been cathartic. It was the first time she'd been able to confront her former best friend since she'd found out the whole truth behind her deception, and it was freeing to finally be unburdened by anger. With a smile, she closed the fridge. She was just about to reach for the phone when the front door opened.

"Bells?"

"In the kitchen, dad," she called. "You're home earlier than I thought."

"I got bored so I left the deputies in charge."

"You mean you lost all your mini candy bars playing hearts and so they kicked you out?"

"Dr. Cullen counts cards."

"You count cards," she said, trying not to jump at the mention of Edward's father.

"He counts them better. That's what I get for letting a doctor into the game. Here," he sighed, thrusting a familiar pale cream box tied with purple ribbon at her. "He brought these for you from Mrs. Cullen."

"Tell him thanks next time you see him," she blushed, opening the box to see an assortment of pastries and cannolis.

"You hungry?" Charlie asked, graciously avoiding her discomfort.

"Yeah. We should just order a pizza. I'm sick of fish."

Charlie burst into laughter. "Sometimes it amazes me that you're even related to me. Come on. Get your shoes. I'll take us out for once."

"Where?" she asked slowly, raising her eyebrows.

"Port Angeles. I've got a hankering for some sweet and sour pork."

"Thai Peppers has a _huge_ menu and you want sweet and sour pork?"

"Yup. Get your shoes."

"I've got to change really quick."

"No you don't. What you're wearing is fine."

Bella glanced down at her ratty flannels and old FPD sweatshirt. "Dad, I'm wearing pajamas."

"They look good on you."

"You're so embarrassing sometimes."

"Sure, sure. Either way, you've got five minutes or I'm leaving your butt here and eating my delicious pork in peace."

Bella stuck her tongue out at him before running up the stairs. She rummaged through her closet for a clean pair of jeans and a clean hoodie, her desire for pad thai and lemongrass soup hurrying her along. She was dressed and back downstairs in record time. The entire trip to Port Angeles was filled with her giggles as Charlie recounted his day. He'd made two traffic stops involving tourists who'd been less than pleased to help fill Charlie's quota. They'd argued and threatened him with lawsuits. Then he'd gotten called back to the station because Deputy Mark had set the microwave on fire. He'd gotten back on the road just in time to bust Rosalie, who he let off with a warning because she'd sworn up a storm at him.

"It was too hard not to laugh at her getting all riled up. I figured she made me laugh enough that she can get at least one free pass," he said as they sat down at their table and immediately placed their orders.

"I hope you at least told her it was because she was friends with me."

"I'm not an idiot," he said, rolling his eyes.

"Thanks, dad. Who was the last?"

"Edward Cullen. His dad sure was steamed when I told on him, too."

"Edward?" Bella asked, her heart again jumping in her chest.

"Yeah. Speeding like a demon out toward Lake Crescent."

"Did you give him a ticket?"

"Hell yes I gave him a ticket. This isn't Daytona."

"How fast was he going?"

"Fifteen over. Again. Madder than hell when I wrote him up, too. Tried to tell me he was following the flow of traffic. Grouchy kid. Strange, with such nice parents."

"Dad."

"I'm just saying."

"Did you give him a ticket because of me?"

"No," Charlie said too quickly, refusing to meet her eyes.

"Dad!" she whined.

"What? I didn't!"

"You're such a liar!"

"He was speeding."

"So was Rosalie."

"Different."

"It so isn't! Just admit it."

"Fine. I confess. And it felt damn good to give it to him, too."

"That was completely uncool."

"I'm a dad. I'm supposed to be uncool."

"What did he say?" she demanded.

"I already told you. He tried to say he was going with the flow of traffic. I called bullcrap, wrote him the ticket, then sent him on his way."

"And headed back to the station to tattle to his dad."

"All in all a successful day," he grinned as their food was placed in front of them.

Bella tried to ignore him, focusing instead on shoveling soup and pad thai into her face. Unfortunately, Charlie kept meeting her eyes and laughing, and soon she was laughing too.

"I really wish you had just let him go. He'll think you did it because I told you to."

"Oh no he won't," Charlie said innocently.

"Dad…"

"I might have made it pretty clear that it was all me."

"Dad!"

"You can get mad all you want, but I'd do it again in a second. If it'd been the Hale kid, I'd have arrested him."

"Oh God," she murmured over and over again. "I would like to again state that you can be beyond embarrassing sometimes."

"And I'd like to point out that you've never said anything nicer to me," he said as he slid several bills into the black folder with the bill. "Come on. I'll buy you an ice cream."

"Ice cream doesn't make up for anything, you know."

"Who's the liar now? I'll buy you a butterscotch cone."

Two delicious desserts, an hour and a half long car ride, and a hundred pages of English reading later, Bella was back at home, curled up in bed with the brown leather journal she'd purchased right after Edward told her how he felt. It was helpful to have an outlet, a place to vent her rage and cleanse her temper at the end of the day. When she'd finished writing about her encounter with Alice, she flipped off the lamp and collapsed onto her pillow.

The next morning, she woke up late and had to hurry through getting ready. She made it outside just as Rosalie and Emmett pulled into the driveway in his jeep. She climbed into the backseat as Emmett raced off to Angela's.

"How was Brown?" Bella asked.

"Amazing," Rosalie said, flipping idly through her Calculus textbook. "It was so gorgeous. And the campus was nice and the people weren't snotty like I thought they might be. Plus, they offer an Egyptology degree. How cool is that?"

"Since when are you into pyramids?" Emmett joked.

"Since I have a brain and I can major in whatever I want."

"But – "

"I'm joking. I'm still double majoring in Environmental Studies and Engineering."

"You can change your mind. Just make sure you don't leave me out."

"Aw, Em. Of course not."

"You two are gag worthy sometimes," Bella said, sticking her finger down her throat.

"Don't hate the player, hate the game," Rosalie sing-songed.

"Not the player game stuff again," Angela said, climbing in. "Thanks for the ride guys."

"You thanks us every day, and every day I tell you it's no big deal."

"My parents raised me right."

They pulled into Rosalie's usual parking spot, and Bella climbed out of the car with Angela.

"Don't look now, but Ben Cheney's staring at you."

Angela flushed bright pink, her eyes immediately darting to where Ben stood next to his faded blue dodge neon. "Really?"

"Yup."

"Should I...I dunno…"

"Go say hi. Maybe ask him if he wants to go to Seattle with us next weekend."

"I couldn't possibly. I mean…"

"One of us needs a boyfriend," Bella said with a wink. "Seriously. Ben's been eyeing you for weeks and he's terrified of Emmett. Just go say hi."

"Ok. Ok, I'll do it!"

Angela hurried off, and Bella walked toward their English building. She saw Jasper, brooding next to his motorcycle with Tyler Crowley and a senior, Marcus Wood. She smiled tentatively at him, and was relieved when he grinned back. She and Jasper had avoided each other since she'd broken things off with him, and the time apart had been good for them just as she'd hoped. They weren't friends, but the open hostility had ended, and she could sit next to him without turning into a miserable, quivering wreck.

She ignored the whispers of Lauren and Eric as she walked past, instead smiling at Jessica who stood huddled under her umbrella and flipping through her Biology lab book. Jessica gave a little wave as Bella disappeared around the corner and walked through the door to English.

Edward was already sitting at his desk, his nose buried in a _Lord of the Rings_ book. He jumped when she walked past him.

"Hey, Bella."

"Hey, nerd," she said, watching him blush as he shoved the book into his bag.

"Good weekend?"

"Yeah. You?"

"It was good. I went to the Lake and did the falls hike."

"I told you it was awesome."

"I took some cool pictures."

"It's hard not to up there." She wanted desperately to ask to see his pictures – to talk more about his hike – but she remembered her promise to herself to be strong. She'd told him she didn't think they could be friends, and she stood by that. They couldn't be _just_ friends, but they couldn't be more yet either.

"Yeah."

"Well, tell your mom thanks for the cannolis."

"I will."

"Thanks," she said, sliding into her seat and wondering if she should have apologized for his speeding ticket. She decided against it – she didn't want to know she'd been talking about him to Charlie.

Sitting alone in the room with him, she was more aware than ever of the level of tension between them –a tension that she knew she could solve just by touching him. Still, she stayed strong. As much as she wanted Edward, she knew that her decision to take some time was good for both of them. It still wouldn't be fair to jump into things with him, and she liked to think she was making herself more worthy of the feelings he'd confessed but she still didn't quite understand.

The more time she spent just hanging out with friends, the more she realized how good her decision had been. It would have been easy – it would still be easy – to just jump back into things with Edward. But it wouldn't have fixed anything. She'd have just been hiding away again.

As Angela came in with Ben, waving excitedly, Bella couldn't keep herself from grinning. Things weren't perfect, and she still had a lot of growing up to do, but she was happy. She still had to figure out things with Edward, and she still had to make things right with Jasper, but both now felt like things she could handle. For the first time in as long as she could remember, she felt a true sense of hope and purpose. Unfolding the note from Emmett, she chuckled and shook her head before stowing it in her notebook.

A few months ago, seeing the one word on that piece of paper would have made her shrivel up in an attempt to fade from view. Now, being called a loser just made her laugh, and, her mood brightened, she pushed her desk next to Angela to start their assignment.


	21. Epilogue

**Author's Note: **Wow. I can't believe I finished. Thanks to everyone who stuck with me. I'm especially appreciative of the kind words from the last chapter, when I took this in a direction I figured people would completely hate. I know that not everyone will be happy with this story ends, but I hope it at least makes sense to you. I'd like to take a moment to thank Mandi1, Penelope_Rose, and JeesieChreesie for being my constant sounding board about this and for holding my hand through the writing process. I love all of y'all.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Twilight_ or any of its characters etc, and I wish SM didn't own them either.

_**Epilogue**_

Bella sat on the rattling L-train, struggling to juggle her box of materials, her presentation notes, and the coffee she'd purchased from a stand back at the station. Her lips moved silently as she repeated her introduction over and over again. The nerves of giving her first presentation since defending her thesis had made her a nervous wreck. When she'd specialized in early Victorian manuscripts on her path to becoming a special collections librarian, she'd done so thinking no one else would be interested enough to care.

Fortunately – or unfortunately, depending on her mood – The Newberry Library was featuring a collection of Elizabeth Gaskell's private writings. Her boss and mentor, chair of the special collections section at the Seattle public library, was a longtime friend of the head of the library's organizing committee and had recommended Bella.

The idea of a trip to Chicago had been terrifying. She hadn't gone beyond Portland since she was five years old, but from the moment she touched down the city had spoken to her. The buildings, the cool wind that sent her hair and scarf flying, the crunch of falling foliage under her shoes, it all made her feel comfortable and homey.

Halfway through her umpteenth read-through, a chirp came from deep within her bag.

"Oh hell," she grumbled, sliding the box to the floor by her feet and shooting an apologetic glance to the man next to her. She gripped her coffee between her knees while she rooted through her bag for her phone. "Hello?" she said, answering before she could check the caller ID.

"Breathe," the voice on the other end instructed her.

"Easy for you to say," she huffed.

"Imagine the audience naked."

"Ew. Gross."

"I do it with juries all the time."

"Because you're a total perv."

"Leah says that you'll be fine and to not wig out."

Bella couldn't help but smile as she heard Jasper's wife chuckling in the background. "You and Leah get paid to talk. I get paid to hide in the stacks and daydream about Colin Firth."

"Who's gross now, B?"

The train began to slow and Bella jerked her head to look out the window, spotting the station approaching. She dropped her presentation folder into the box at her feet and slammed its lid back on. "Thanks for calling, J, really, but I gotta go. My train's stopping and if I don't pay attention to where I'm going when I get off of here, I'll end up in Wisconsin."

"You're going to be amazing. It's easier than you think."

"All right," Bella laughed. "See you tomorrow?"

"Of course. Good luck."

Bella hung up the phone as she stood, putting it back in her bag and reaching down to heft her box up, balancing it on her hip as she moved with the crowd toward the exit. Her boots at least kept her gait somewhat steady, and she made a mental note to thank Rosalie for advising that she carry her heels until she got to her destination – navigating the bustling crowds in her tweed pencil skirt was proving enough of a challenge on its own.

As she walked, she went through her outline in her mind. The more she thought about standing up and talking, the more she wanted to hurl. Trying to remember Jasper's advice, she realized she was thinking about having to face an audience and still feeling sick. Trying to cast her mind away from her impending doom, she let it land on Jasper and smiled.

Their senior year had been rough. He wasn't as openly hostile as he'd been for so many years, but he wasn't exactly friendly either. Not that she'd felt all that friendly toward him.

She paused mid-step and sighed, remembering the cause for her reinstated displeasure with him. Two days before they were supposed to start classes, Edward had shown up on her porch. Emmett and Rosalie had left for college and she was already missing them. She'd been so happy to see him – had needed to mentally restrain herself from jumping him as soon as she opened the door – until he'd told her why he came.

"I'm moving."

Even ten years later, remembering those words sent a cold chill down her spine. She could recall with perfect clarity the frustration and anger and general helplessness as she'd stared at him open mouthed. She'd done everything right – she'd acted like a mature adult – and yet there he'd stood, explaining that Carlisle had gotten additional grant money for the study he'd been conducting, necessitating a move to Alaska.

"Alaska?" she'd demanded.

"Mom doesn't want to be away from dad, so we're going with him."

She'd been completely lost then, and she was just as lost in the horrible memory when she realized she'd walked a block too far and was on the other side of Washington Square. Tripping a little as she did an abrupt about face, she hurried back down the street. She chugged her coffee and pitched her empty cup into a trashcan. Trying not to spill its contents, she pulled the lid off the box and grabbed her presentation folder.

She was practically running when she hit the library foyer. The familiar smell of books and binding and ink swept around her with the draft from the door, and she could have cried in relief. No matter where she went or what city she was in, a library would always feel the same. Suddenly she felt centered and confident again. Marcus Tilby, head of Newberry's special collection, stood waiting for her.

"Dr. Swan. I'm delighted to see you" he greeted her, reaching to relieve her of the load she carried.

"Thank you so much, Dr. Tilby," she smiled as she removed her coat and scarf and straightened her cardigan. "I'm delighted as well."

"Everyone is mingling. Free alcohol," he confided with a wink as he held out an arm so that she could support herself as she slipped on her heels. "It's the only way to guarantee attendance."

"Excellent," she laughed. "Please, keep them drinking."

"I have complete faith in you, my dear. As does Carmen."

"I brought handouts," she said, gesturing to her box. "So people wouldn't look at me."

"I'll have a graduate student pass them out," he laughed.

"Thank you so much."

He gave the box to a trim, blonde girl who smiled at Bella before lugging her materials toward the lecture room. "Are you ready?"

"As I'll ever be."

Bella followed Marcus to the front of a lecture room, watching as a large – larger than she'd expected – crowd took their seats. As Marcus began his introduction, she blushed without being able to stop herself. Taking the deep breaths Jasper had advised on the phone, she stepped to the podium to address the crowd.

Overall, the presentation went much better than she'd expected. Most of the crowd actually knew who Elizabeth Gaskell was, a huge help, and all of them were Victorian literature fans. The questions she received at her conclusion were surprisingly specific and she was pleased that she could answer almost all of them. The few that she couldn't, she was able to point them in the direction of where their answers could probably be found. When the questions finally ended and she received another round of applause, she stepped gratefully away from the podium.

"Truly excellent, Dr. Swan," Marcus told her. "I've rarely seen them so interested before."

"I can't imagine why," she laughed. "When I presented my thesis I thought I was going to put everyone to sleep."

"You are very passionate about your subject matter. It showed."

"Well, thanks."

"How is the research for your book going?"

"Not at all," she sighed. "I've had a lot of things going on and…well…"

"Can I invite you to stay for the reception?"

"Unfortunately not. I have an early flight in the morning and I barely got any sleep last night."

"Well, I hope you have a very pleasant trip home. Please tell Carmen I said hello."

"Of course. And thank you so much for this opportunity. I'm very grateful."

She smiled at the older man as she finished her handshake and gave a little wave before heading toward the outer lobby. She paused by a bench to replace her heels with her boots and put her coat and scarf on. Secure against the elements, she walked outside, repressing the urge to do a fist pump of joy. Practically skipping down the steps, she hurried up the street back toward her L stop. Her phone rang from her pocket, and giddy with the need to gloat she dove into her bag to find it. Just as she'd snatched the cold metal from the recesses of her message bag and flipped it open, she slammed into something hard.

"Excuse me. I'm so…oh holy shit," she breathed, her mind suddenly whirring with possibilities. She could hear shouting from the phone dangling from her fingers so she snatched it to her ear. "I'm fine, J. I'll call you back."

The man in front of her stiffened. "And how _is_ dear J?"

He looked so much better than she remembered. The white sleeves of his button up were rolled and pushed to his elbows. He carried a suit jacket slung over one shoulder, though he still wore the vest that went with it. His hair was windblown and his cheeks were pink from the cold. And his eyes, greener than she remembered, were narrowed at her in achingly familiar way.

"Married. It's nice to see that you're still the same Edward I remember."

His pale green eyes darted immediately to her hand. "Married?"

"Not to me," she said, rolling her eyes.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded.

"Stalking you, clearly. Jesus, Edward. I was giving a presentation at The Newberry."

"The Newberry?"

"I'm a special collections librarian."

"In Chicago?"

"No. Seattle. I'm just visiting."

He just stared at her for a long moment, moving his jacket from one shoulder to the other. He chewed on one corner of his lip, breathing deeply before speaking. "I just can't believe you're here."

"I know. Why are you even in Chicago?"

"My dad got offered a position at Northwestern's medical school right after we moved to Alaska. He finished up his study and we moved here that Christmas."

"So you went to school here?"

"New York. I love Chicago, but…shit, this is a long story. Come on."

Without asking if she was up for it, he took hold of her hand and started pulling her along behind him. As soon as his long fingers had intertwined with hers she felt her whole body light up. _There_ was the fire and the want and the…she shook her head as she hurried to catch up with him. For all she knew he had a girlfriend. Or a fiancée.

"Where are we going?"

"To get my car."

"And then?"

"And then I'd like to make you some coffee."

"You mean buy me some coffee?"

"No."

"But – "

"I've been working all day. My apartment has my coffee. I want my coffee."

"I just – "

"God, you are just as fucking stubborn as you were ten years ago. Work with me here, all right?"

"All right," she said, feeling suddenly subdued. It was insane, to have found him again after so long. It was even more insane that she reacted to him like they'd never been apart. The feel of his fingers in hers felt strangely right. She'd dated since they'd been together. She'd gone to prom with one of Jacob's friends, Paul, and seen him off and on through the summer before school. She'd gone out with a few guys in undergrad. In graduate school, she'd even had a semi-serious relationship with one of Jasper and Leah's law school friends.

She almost ran into Edward again as he stopped next to a black Audi. "What happened to the Volvo?"

He rolled his eyes. "That was ten years ago. My parents sold it when I went to Columbia, since I couldn't use it in the city. I got this when I came back here."

"Don't make fun of me. It was a perfectly legitimate question," she huffed as she slid onto the black leather seat. She waited for him to make his way around the car before speaking again. "I still have my truck."

"You're not serious."

"I'm perfectly serious. It still runs great too."

"You mean it still _runs_, which is pretty much a miracle when we're talking about that bucket of rust."

"Don't be mean."

He smiled at her apologetically before pulling away from the curb. "So, a special collections librarian. Let me guess. Bullshit Victorian literature."

"Well, no one thinks Ayn Rand is special enough to give her a special collection so…"

"I'll take that as a 'Yes, Edward, you're absolutely right. Your genius astounds me' if you don't mind."

"Yes, you're right. I specialize in early Victorian manuscripts. Well, my PhD is focused on them, but you don't exactly get a lot of that sort of thing in Seattle. The Newberry had a collection of one of my favorite author's private writings and asked me to come and speak about her."

"My mother had mentioned that lecture. I'm guessing she didn't go, or you'd have been ambushed as soon as you stepped into view."

"How is your mother? Mrs. Weber was so sad to lose her."

"She's fine."

"Just fine?"

"We've…well, never mind."

"No, come on. Tell me."

"I haven't seen you in ten years, Bella. I'm sorry but – "

"You're right. I'm sorry," she said quickly. "I didn't mean to pry."

Edward groaned, lifting the hand that had rested on the gearshift to run it through his hair. "I suck at talking to you as much now as I did in high school."

"It 's not your fault."

"But it's not yours either. My parents were the ones who moved me to the middle of nowhere."

Bella didn't know what to say to that, so she sat staring at her hands until the car came to a stop outside of a tall residential building. Immediately her door was opened by a valet, startling her.

"I'm sorry, miss."

"No…it's all right. I just didn't expect you."

Edward nodded at the man, handing over his keys as he took Bella by the elbow. "Come on."

"If you brought me to your parents then so help me – "

"That would have been a brilliant idea on so many levels, but no. I live here."

"You live here?" she said slowly, looking around slack jawed as they entered the lobby.

"Um, yeah," he said, rubbing the back of his neck. "Mom picked it."

She stopped and looked up at him with raised brows. "You mean it was a graduation present."

"I didn't say that," he hedged.

"It so was," she laughed, clapping her hands together.

"Fine. It was."

"It's awesome."

"Thanks," he said, pulling her into the elevator and pressing a button.

"Not the penthouse?" she teased.

"Dad talked her out of it."

"How's your dad doing?"

"Great. Teaching agrees with him, and his hours are so much better. Mom loves it. How's the Chief."

Bella's breath hitched. She knew she should have been prepared for it – she had been the one to ask about both of his parents first – but it still hit her like a punch to the gut.

"Bella?"

"I…Charlie passed away last year."

"Oh shit. I'm so sorry. I'm _so _sorry," he murmured, pulling her into his chest just as the elevator doors slid open.

"It's ok," she said, trying to suppress a sniffle as she pushed away from his chest and gave him a watery smile. "He was sick, so we had time to say goodbye."

"How did I not hear about this?"

"How would you have?"

"Good point."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a downer."

"No, I asked."

They were outside of his door, and Bella stood quietly while he unlocked the door and swung it open. She walked into a small entryway and slipped off her boots and coat, noticing at one the ebony hardwood floors that drew her into a large living room. Seeing it, she almost laughed.

"Is that the same rug you had in high school?"

"Yeah," he shrugged.

"And that's the same couch."

"I might have pitched a little bit of a fit when Mom tried to hire a designer."

"I love it."

"Bella…"

"Yes?" she asked, tearing her eyes away from the huge windows with views of the skyline to face him.

"I'm really glad I ran into you."

"Me too," she whispered.

"I still think about you a lot."

"I missed you so much when you moved. You never answered my emails."

"I was angry. And it was hard."

"But…I mean, I know we hadn't been together very long and – "

"I expected you to come around sooner."

"I kind of did. I just, I wanted to be sure. I over thought everything and then there you were telling me you were moving and you just walked away and…I was miserable for weeks. I mean, I deserved it, I did, but – "

"I read all your emails. I did. I just _couldn't_ respond. I wanted to. I'd sit down to type and then…I should have written."

"What have you been doing? You said it was a long story, but now here we are," she said, gesturing around the room before collapsing on the familiar leather sofa.

He came and sat next to her, stretching his arm around her shoulder. "I went to Columbia. I wanted to go to school in the city, but they didn't have an architecture program worth a damn."

"You're an architect?" she asked surprised. "Well, that explains the disappointing lack of flannel in your current attire."

"I am," he nodded, ignoring her jibe about his clothes. "When we were in Alaska, we stayed near one of my father's family friends. He'd retired there after designing buildings in Seattle. I fell in love with it."

"Don't lie. You totally just wanted to be Howard Roark."

"That might have been a factor. Either way, I went to Columbia for undergrad and came home to intern at a firm here in the summers. I did my graduate study at Columbia as well, and I moved back here when I finished. I wanted to be close to my parents, and I love the city."

"It's pretty great."

"What about you?"

"Oh, I went to UW for undergrad and finished in three years thanks to summer school. I did my PhD there, too."

"And Alice?"

"No idea." She shook her head. "I know she got married not too long ago. I ran into her mother in Seattle last month."

"Emmett?"

Bella smiled. "Emmett is great. He's the youngest defensive coordinator in the history of the University of Tennessee."

"I heard he'd killed a chance at a pro career with a knee injury."

"Yeah, but he's much happier coaching anyway. Rosalie had been a civil engineer, but she stays at home with their twins now. They're both really happy."

"I can't believe they actually got married."

"I couldn't believe he got her to _agree_ to it."

"And…everyone else?"

"Angela Weber and Ben Cheney moved to Bellingham. He teaches Eastern History at Western, and she's a nurse."

"You know who I'm asking about, Bella."

"Jasper moved to Seattle to go to UW. He majored in history, then went to law school. His wife's name is Leah and she's a year older than him. She's from Forks too. She was engaged to one of the guys back on the reservation, but when she said she wanted to go to law school he ended it. She was my roommate when I was in graduate school, and met Jasper when he came over to hang out sometimes. They're both attorneys now."

"So you were – "

"We _are_ friends," she corrected. "A lot of water's gone under that bridge."

"But he's married."

"And not to me, though I thought you'd have known that."

"I was gone a long time."

"Yeah, you were. What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Are you single?" she asked after the tiniest of hesitations, feeling her cheeks flame as the question left her mouth.

"Would I have invited you up to my apartment if I wasn't?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, I'm single. I've dated a few people, but nothing serious."

"And _that's_ why Esme's mad at you!"

"I never said she was mad at me!"

"You didn't want to talk about her, which meant you two were arguing. And you were arguing about your lack of a girlfriend."

"We were," he conceded. "What about you?"

"What about me?" she asked surprised.

"You never told me if you were single."

"Oh. Yeah. I am."

"Excellent."

"Excellent?" she squeaked.

"I told you. I've thought about you a lot."

"I've thought about you, too."

"Can I take you to dinner?"

"I…well…shit."

"What?"

"My flight leaves at six tomorrow morning."

"Tomorrow?" he frowned and she nodded. "So don't go."

"What?"

"So don't go. Stay here. I have an extra bedroom. Don't go home yet."

"But…I have a job. And someone has to make sure my cat has food."

"So ask douchebag to feed it."

"Can we not go back to that, please?"

"I'm asking you to just stay a few more days. Please. My mother would never forgive me if she didn't get a chance to pester you for every tiny detail of your life since you last saw her."

"What are we doing?" she asked, burying her face in her hands. "I live in Seattle. You live here."

"So?"

"What do you mean so?"

"We can email and – "

"Seriously, Edward? I mean – "

"Fine," he interrupted, his voice dead and all his previous animation melting away. "You're right. It's impractical. I'd still like to treat you to dinner, though."

"I…" She trailed off as she looked up at him. He was pointedly refusing to meet her gaze and so she stood. "Excuse me a moment."

"Sure," he said, looking back down to stare at his hands. "The bathroom's that way," he said pointing.

Without looking at him again, she walked briskly into the small powder room, pulling her phone immediately from her bag and dialing. She called the airline first, and after a mercifully quick conversation she was dialing again. Jasper answered on the first ring.

"I'm going to fucking kill you. I hope you know that. I'm going to fly out there and fucking murder you. If you aren't already dead."

"I'm fine. I told you I was fine."

"What the hell have you been doing? Why didn't you call me back? Leah and I have been worried sick."

"_I_ told you she was probably just fine," Leah said indignantly in the background.

"You'll never believe who I just ran into."

"Probably not. Just tell me."

"Edward Cullen." There was a long silence on the phone. "J?"

"Fucking Cullen? You're shitting me."

"Nope. I _literally_ ran into him."

"What's he doing in Chicago?"

"They moved here after Alaska. He's an architect."

"An architect?"

"Yeah. Anyway, I'm in his apartment and – "

"You're in his fucking _apartment_?"

"We aren't seriously having this conversation right now, are we?" she hissed into the phone. "You have a freaking wife, you ass."

Jasper sucked in his breath then barked out a laugh. "You're right. I'm sorry. Old habits die hard. I fucking hated that kid."

"Yes, the feeling was mutual. Irrelevant."

"So why are you calling me?"

"I need you to go to my house and check on Petunia for me."

"Why?" he asked suspiciously.

"Because I'm staying here a little while longer."

"Oh?"

"I don't want to hear it."

"Well, how much longer?"

"I have no idea."

"Well, when did you reschedule your flight for?"

"Well, you see…"

"Fucking hell."

"Pretty much. I'm emailing Carmen in a bit. She's been encouraging me to take some time off, and I can work on my dissertation just as easily from here."

"Like you're going to get anything productive done."

"Love you too."

"Fine, fine," he chuckled. "We'll just pick up the damn cat and bring it over here."

"Thanks. Thank you so much. Give Leah my love."

"Will do. Be safe."

"Jesus, J."

"Bye, B."

She smiled as she slid the phone back into her bag and turned to move back down the hallway. It was amazing to think that she was actually going to do this – that she was finally doing it right. She walked straight to the refrigerator, happy to see that it was well stocked. As efficiently she could in the unfamiliar kitchen, she started pulling ingredients out and piling them upon the counter and digging for pots.

"What are you doing?" Edward asked, leaning against the wall.

"Making you dinner."

"I said I'd take you out."

"I know."

"And?"

"And I'm not in the mood to put my heels back on. I want to stay in."

"Ok. What were you doing for so long?"

"Asking the douche to take care of my cat."

Edward froze. "You rescheduled your flight?"

"Nope."

"But," he said, his forehead wrinkling as he cocked his head to one side, "you said that – "

"I didn't reschedule my flight. I canceled it."

"You…you canceled it?"

"Yes."

"So…how long are you staying?"

"As long as you'll have me."

In a second he was across the room and she was backed up against the countertop. His fingers ran up and down her sides as his chest heaved and his head ducked down so he could look her in the eye. "You mean it?"

She didn't answer him. Instead, she pressed herself up onto her tiptoes, wrapping her arms around his neck and puling his lips to hers. Kissing him when they were teenagers had always been amazing and comforting…but this…this was perfect. All the spark and flame was magnified times a thousand and she gasped into his mouth as he lifted her up onto the countertop.

His fingers buried themselves in her hair as her legs wrapped around him. She could feel her skirt sliding up, but she couldn't make herself care – especially when his hands moved to run up and down her leg. She couldn't get close enough to him, even if the buttons of his vest were digging into her chest. Her whole body was trembling as his hands inched further and further up her exposed thigh. With a moan, he pulled away and rested his forehead on hers, and as hard as it was to separate herself from him, she was glad he'd had the control to slow them down.

"You're serious. You're really staying?"

"For a while," she said, trying to control her breathing. He helped her down from the counter, averting his eyes as she smoothed her skirt down. "I mean, I'll have to email my boss. And I'll obviously need to figure out something to do about the clothing situation. But I'd…I didn't rush into anything, did I? I mean – "

He brushed a kiss on the corner of her mouth. "We'll fly back next weekend. You can get your cat and some clothes."

"But – "

"I know this is fucking crazy. We only dated for like a month, but Bella…I never forgot you. And I always wanted to track you down. Now that I've found you again, I don't intend to let you go."

"Ok," she whispered.

"If it means being rash and impulsive and moving you into my apartment, that's what I'm going to do."

"Edward," she chuckled. "I _do_ had a career and – "

"Get a job at the Newberry."

"You can't just walk in and – "

"Yes you can. My mother is on their philanthropic committee."

"I don't want a handout and – "

"It's not a handout. You said you had a PhD and – "

"I _just_ defended my thesis, Edward! And I'm starting a book and – "

"Fine. I'll move to Seattle."

"What?" she asked, her eyebrows flying up in shock. "But – "

"I have a degree from Columbia and work experience at the best firm in Chicago. I'm very marketable."

"Your ego certainly hasn't shrunk at all."

"I'm not kidding around, Bella."

"I'll…I can't separate you from your parents. Family is important and…fuck it. Fuck it. Yes. Yes, let's fly back next weekend and get my shit."

"Really?" he asked, his eyes lighting up and a huge grin breaking out.

"Really. This is crazy but…I've felt at home here since I got off the plane. There has to be a reason for that. And what are the odds of you being exactly where I was in the freaking third largest city in the country. This was supposed to happen."

"About damn time, too," he said, picking her up and swinging her around in a circle. "Just a sec."

"Who are you calling?"

"My mother. Now she'll quit leaving me sad voicemails about having to be an old grandmother."

Bella choked a little as he lifted the phone to her ear, but she couldn't stop herself from grinning as well. It was crazy and impulsive and totally unlike her…but it was also totally right. She knew, as Edward teased his mother – as she heard Esme's delighted squeal from the phone – that this was what she was supposed to do. Leaning back against the cabinets, she watched him move animatedly around the room, the setting sun reflecting through the glass with the Chicago skyline glowing pink in the background, and everything felt complete. She'd come full circle, and now she was home.


End file.
